My Rainbow

In the community of grieving parents, there is this term many refer to as Rainbow Baby. Its essentially like this: there is always a rainbow after a storm.

I have heard and seen first hand so many mothers losing their babies through miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. It is so heart breaking listening to their stories each time. It never gets easier. I always feel the lump in my throat and the knife in my heart. It's just awful.

But then they tell me about their Rainbow Baby. A pregnancy that made it. A baby that was born...and lived. These Rainbow Babies do not at all replace the one previously; nor does it make that story any more digestible. It doesn't, and never will.

But no matter how crappy your day (or storm) was, you can always smile at a rainbow.

I now have my Rainbow Baby. And he is so wonderful. Even more than I could ever have imagined. Holding him and breathing him in is to intoxicating. He calms my storm every time.

I introduce to you my third son; Theodore "Theo" Robert (named after my father - Robert). He weighed in at 7 pounds 7 ounces and 20 1/4 inches long.

 

He was by far the easiest delivery in comparison to my first son Paighton (physically) and my second son Elijah (emotionally and physically). I'd have 10 Theos before any 1 Paightons. If I had a choice of course!

Now, fast forward three months! He has doubled his birth weight and is the happiest baby with lots to say! He has the cutest "shy" smile as if he is blushing from compliments.

I love how these boys have transformed my life. They bring so much joy to my heart. No matter what the day brings me, seeing them smile at me and needing me takes all my woes away. I just might need them more than they need me...


I love my boys!

Home Stretch!

Now let's see... where did I leave off?

OH YEA!! I'm pregnant! Hee Hee.

It's been 8 months since I announced to family and friends that my husband and I were expecting another tiny bundle of joy. Now, we are 36 weeks along; with only 4 weeks left, we are in the home stretch!

Phew!! I almost feel like I can finally breathe again. Almost...

The fears from losing Elijah are still very much real. I also carry guilt. Guilt that I am doing ok in life and am moving on. Yet, I don't really see it as moving on without him. I am moving on with him.

Our son Paighton is very excited about the new baby. So much that we let him pick the name! Now at first he was choosing names like Captain America, Thor, Cupcake, Poopy Pants and so on. So we had a talk about real names, animal names and pretend names. He got better. He began picking names like Ethan, Dominic, and Emma (if baby was a girl). I turned those down as well considering those are the names of kids in his preschool class. Ethan seemed to be a bit of a bully with a very scary anger management problem. He once bit Dominic in the leg because he wanted to sit by Paighton in school and Dominic refused to move. Yikes! Dominic is Paighton's BFF and Emma is Paighton's girlfriend. WHAT?! Yup... I said it... girlfriend! However now that school is over and summer is here, he really hasn't kept in touch much with his friends. We try but its hard to plan with ever changing schedules.

So what shall we name baby? Hmm... it was tough for a 4-year old to pull out a name from thin air when he hasn't had much personal experiences yet to know what names are really out there. At the time, his favorite two movies he was constantly streaming throughout the day over and over and over again were E.T. (yes, the creepy alien movie - classic by the way) and Alvin & The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. OH MY GAWD these movies were driving me insane! But I turned what was a mind-splitting annoyance into a positive and got him thinking. What about the names Elliott or Theodore? He thought those were perfect! Finally, I got him to narrow names down to two. Elliott and Theodore.

We stuck on those names for a very long time. It wasn't until a couple months ago that we all, even daddy, agreed on Theodore. Theodore Robert (my dad's name is Robert). I am very happy and satisfied with our decision as a family. I even have a super cute story to tell Theo when he grows up that his brother Paighton named him. Now we'll see if he likes the reason behind the why... because Theodore is the chubby chipmunk that eats too much. There is just something about an over-indulging fur ball I find to be incredibly adorable!

So a chubby chipmunk. It just might be a perfect fit. A month ago, Theo had a growth ultrasound (we get an ultrasound every visit and a growth every 4 weeks) and he measured 9 days ahead of schedule; putting himself at the 78th percentile for his weight class. WOW! Paighton always measured in the 30s percentiles for weight. Theo is going to be one hefty boy! He sure is going to take after his daddy! I picture giant chest and shoulders, like a gorilla. My husband and his father have very big upper bodies. I love it. Especially when my husband wraps those giant arms around me and pulls me in for a extra strong hug. I feel safe and the stress just melts right off me.

Paighton on the other hand takes a lot after me. He is tall and skinny. I don't think we will be skinny forever since he has ambitions to become a UFC fighter. Oh, and a cop, a firefighter, Captain America, mailman, McDonald's worker, a dentist, a baby doctor, a construction worker, a boxer, a football player, a hockey player, and... am I missing any? He loves to stay busy! I like our conversations with each other of what he is going to be when he grows up. Its safe to say he doesn't have any self esteem issues when it comes to his ability to accomplish anything! If he wants to aim for the Moon or farther, I know he will. And I will let him; standing right behind him for encouragement the entire way. I am very proud of my big (not so little anymore) boy.

One area where Paighton isn't all Captain America-can-do-attitude are things more of the sentimental or emotional things. Now I'm not saying he isn't sensitive, because he is. He is just very extra-sensitive. He goes deeper in his thoughts and reasoning than I'd expect from a child his age. But then again, he has experienced more things in his short life than most his peers would at this age. He is very much in touch about death. It makes me a little uncomfortable at times, but I think we manage it well. We always answer his questions without sugar coating anything, but we also don't go further than what is required for him to understand and be content with the answer given.

Now even though Paighton is very excited for Baby Theo, he really hasn't shown complete acceptance yet. He will say cute things once in awhile like "I'm not helping with poopy diapers" and "I don't want him to sleep in my room because he will pee on my bed and chew on my toys" but he also says things that bring us back to the day we lost Elijah. That's when it gets tough. He doesn't fully believe yet that Theo is going to survive. One day he and daddy where gluing paper cutouts of people onto paper making our family. He added dad, mom, himself, and then stopped. He pondered for a bit, then grabbed a baby cutout and said something along the lines of not wanting to add Theo because if he dies then he will have to rip it off the paper. Nothing was mentioned about Elijah. Andy encouraged him to add Theo, and said its ok to to glue it on and we'll just see what happens.

Its really hard because all we want to do is promise to Paighton that Theo will not die. We are literally 99.999999999% (you get the idea) sure that Theo will not die. Same goes for me. Mommy is not going to die. But we are not God. God decides all; who, when, where, how, why (wish I knew the why part of that). I cannot bring myself to promise him anything because I hate breaking promises. He cried for days when I promised he could see his cousins, or his BFF Dominic, and it just didn't work out. I broke my promise. Usually because of circumstances out of my own control, but he doesn't understand that. I don't expect him to understand either. He is 4, not an adult. So I can understand his own anxiousness and frustration in me when I wont give him a straight yes or no answer. I try my best to avoid this question on a daily basis right now.

In efforts to prepare Paighton for the birth of Theo, we watch A Baby Story on TLC, search videos on YouTube and spend time with family and friends with babies. We have even asked him if he would like to watch daddy cut the umbilical cord (entering the room after Theo is born and all is calm of course). This sparked another emotional melt down. Sorry we asked! He first became just unresponsive, then bluntly said "NO" and stormed out our room. After he came back, I asked why. Of course I am not going to force him, but as his mother, I need to know why and what upset him so much. He expressed himself very well and I'm proud of him for opening up to me. Not only did he not want to see dad cut the cord, he doesn't want dad to cut it at all. Period. He said he didn't want me to get an owie; to get hurt - to die. He said he likes his baby brother and doesn't want him to die and if daddy cuts the cord, Theo will die and I will get an owie. My heart felt so heavy listening to him say these things. I assured him it wont hurt me at all; nor will it hurt Theo. Its a part of real life and Theo cant live stuck to me forever. We examined Paighton's belly button and explained how big and strong he got all on his own without being stuck to mommy. He calmed down and the topic hasn't resurfaced since. Not sure if it will.

As the days go on, he is getting very impatient for Theo's arrival. So am I! We are due September 2nd, but I really have a gut feeling that he will make an early appearance. If he doesn't, and I am wrong, that is okay too! Paighton's birthday is August 31st, and making sure he isn't shoved to the side and still gets to have a full day of all about him, I scheduled his birthday party to be on the 17th instead. A whole two weeks early! Now if I didn't plan far enough in advance and Theo comes before then, or on e the day, I am going to feel so awful! I stress about it every day right now. Just PLEASE not before or on, just come after the 17th... PLEASE!!

Another amazing thing about my three boys are their due dates... Both Paighton and Theo were estimated to be due on September 2nd. Elijah was due August 28th. Paighton and Elijah were both born on the 31st of the month. Strange as it is... I think Theo will be born on August 28th. It would be kind of neat I think. Sweet and honorable.

If I am going to make it to August 28th, I've got a lot of focusing and praying to do! I have begun dilating already! Last I was checked I was at 1.5.  I have horrible nighttime contraction episodes that last about 2 hours and tons of swelling. At least I am able to stay home and relax if I absolutely need to. The past two months I wasn't able to. Paighton had baseball and swimming lessons. We were on the go Monday through Thursday of every week. Its hard being pregnant and sitting on a stiff bleacher under the hot sun. Paighton had tons of fun but boy, am I glad its over! I told him from  now on, I think we are doing swimming lessons indoors. We will have to see how he feels about baseball next year. I am hoping he will want to drop it; I'm not much of a baseball fan. I'd like to see him get into kickboxing, football, hockey or soccer; some kind of sport I can actually watch without wanting to bang my hand into a brick wall. Even football might be a stretch for me... not a fan. I just get easily bored.

Looking back to my past life, life before kids and a husband, I never in a million years saw myself where I am today. But you know what? I am glad it happened. It took a lot of hurt to get here and it may not be picture perfect but it's perfect for me. I have a great husband who loves me and protects me from everything and everyone, and two (almost three) amazing sons who constantly teach and challenge me every day, and two super annoying cats with personality disorders that I think are just animal versions of how I'd like to act in real life but don't.

Those are the things that I have. You cannot buy them with any amount of money yet they are worth more than any house, car, boat, toy, latest tech gadget, social status or what have you.

I am the richest woman in the world. My family is priceless.

My family is perfect.

Baby #... 5?

Tonight brings lots of excitement, hope, worry, fear, and an endless list of self-asked questions.

Yes, we are pregnant.

Last October I promptly shared the great news to all that Baby # 3 was coming soon. I was so happy and excited, I wrote those words on my driveway using my 4 year old's chalk and took a picture to share. But as I wrote the number "3", I felt off.

Baby #3. I only have one kid. He is 4, but then there was Elijah. He was a baby (Baby #2). He didn't live past 3 hours, but was still here. Very much as real as you and I. He is still a baby in my heart and my mind every day. But he isn't here to see and hold everyday. Sometimes I feel so hurt by that, that I don't want to include him in the official kid count. Is that wrong of me? It's certainly something I am working on; and get better at but still i get tripped up by those random people..."who many kids do you have?" ONE!, I blurt out. It's my way of shielding myself of having to explain the story to anyone I do not know, or just rubs me the wrong way.

But what a lot of people that heard the Baby #3 news in October, do not know this... it was actually Baby #4. Three months prior, in July, we took a trip to Faith's Lodge in Danbury, WI. It was a retreat for bereaved parents for a chance in whatever a person wanted: hope, to recharge, to reflect, to remember, to cry, to laugh. Whatever the moment called for, that is what we did. And we all did it together. It was an experience only we know as we made friends and created bonds (and inside jokes). Sadly, on our 2nd night there, we ended up having to drive to the ER. I was miscarrying. But since I was so early on, they just sent me home (after an exam making sure I was ok). I was so upset, yet oddly relieved. We hadn't told anyone we were pregnant so there wasn't any news to tell anyone we lost it. You can't loose what you never had.

But I was relieved. Relieved that I wasn't father along in a pregnancy I wasn't meant to have. I was relieved I didn't have to give birth to another "Elijah", hold him, kiss him, and wake up to find him dead. I thank God for not putting me through that horror story again.

So the miscarriage I never told anyone from July, prompted me to be more anxious about telling people in October. I told myself "It still counts". I want to be happy, and I deserve to be happy about it. We told everyone a few days after we found out. Two days after we told people, I miscarried. I was more upset about the fact that I still had people saying congrats as I was trying to keep up with taking it back and explaining that no, I was not longer pregnant. Whatever I guess.

So now I come to tonight, and the news of having a baby, that may or may not stick around. I guess it is in God's master plan if I am meant for this, this time around.

I still can't help to think that i have been pregnant four times (now tonight is five) and I only have one living child today. Although I think about it, I am not angry. i am frustrated, as a person would be in attempting to jump on a pogo stick. Frustrated with a giant dose of determination. I say to myself, "I will succeed!"

I just know I am meant to have more kids. It is in my blood, in my family history, in my heart. I have dreams in my sleep seeing my family of (oh I don't know how many exactly) a lot running a muck in the house. To the outside world it looks like chaos; dirty house, marker on the wall, boys pulling the girls' hair, and the girls flushing the boys' army guys down the toilets, hence creating the flood even Moses himself would be afraid to touch!. But in my eyes I see them creating the world amongst themselves. I see stories of pirates come to life as they stand on top of the couch holding onto a soup ladle. I see generosity as they fight and learn how to share. I see compassion as they stick up for each other, and even attempt to hide the truth from me as I interrogate them to find out who really flushed the army guys down the toilets.

I grew up in chaos. Loud noises. Rowdy boys and whiny girls. I like full houses. I just do not understand smaller families. Those seem foreign to me, and even more clicky and "VIP to enter". Geez, it's pretty much impossible to not only have, but sustain a relationship. My experiences only I guess. I am sure there are lots of small families that work best in their own way. I wont ever understand it though.

I am determined to have a large family. And if that means that I, myself, cannot bear them all, I will adopt. I will foster. With the help of God, I will find a way. My aunt has shown me this is possible as long as you have the will to do it. She is an inspiration to me. I am very proud of her.

Children bring wonders to life. They bring out qualities and ideas in yourself that you never thought you had, hiding deep inside. Children are all so different too. They are like snowflakes; not one is the same as the other. Even twins, and I know this for a fact!!

Having a child is such a blessing. I love the feeling of being pregnant; even the icky feelings too! I know it's all part of the good things to come.

My hopes for this pregnancy, whatever number I decide to call it, is that it goes according to God's plan. I am working on taking the responsibility out of my hands and placing them into God's. I failed to realize this the last few times. Here I thought it was all mine and my husband's doing. It is not. I need to remind myself of that.

But I can always help of course...will lots of yummy foods and spoiled pampering from my husband!




To my Baby Elijah,
I miss you so very much. I hope that you celebrated the most wonderful Christmas up in Heaven. Your big brother Paighton talked about you, and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus, knowing He is taking good care of you and mommy's friend Danica. He is such a smart little guy. He remembers all our friends in Heaven and likes to talk about them often; especially you. You are his favorite.

Mommy and Daddy love you. Until then...sending hugs and kisses up to you...

Faith's Lodge

Last week Andy and I spent almost an entire week away from Paighton. We finally got to go to Faith's Lodge in Danbury, Wisconsin. We enjoyed a lot of alone time, as well as meeting new friends.

We took a little trip out on the paddle boat. Don't mind the dumb look on my face of "uhhh". The sun was very bright!! I like this picture because the sun rays glowing on us reminds me of our little guy in Heaven, making sure our paddle boat date was just perfect! However... the humor side if me... when I see this, I hear some kind of Beavis and Butt-Head noise coming from my mouth. I just can't take nice pictures. I'm such a weirdo!

During our time spent there, we had a lot of time to reflect on and think of our son Elijah. More time than we have ever had for a long time. It was nice for a change, however I keep having a lingering feeling I haven't had before; or that I haven't paid attention to at least. It wasn't until tonight that I could put my finger on it.

This feeling is hard to describe, but I will do my best. Let's back up a bit, to 2 years ago when Elijah was first diagnosed, born, died, and celebrated his 1st birthday without him. I was a train wreck, without the tracks; as if I would plow through anything and anyone without a warning. I cried all the time. I screamed all the time.

Now come back to present day. I am OK. That is a strange feeling...  I am OK.

Being at Faith's Lodge and meeting other parents who have lost their babies all too soon and in such tragic ways (as if there is an un-tragic way to lose a baby?? - not!) it brought me back to how I used to feel. I compared it to how I feel now and its not the same. Their hurt is very new, fresh cut in their hearts. Mine has a 2 year old scab on it.

Am I a bad mommy for not crying over Elijah any more?

I do once in awhile. Usually it takes a lot, like someone else's sad story. Or if I hear my husband repeat the events aloud. Just hearing if from him hurts the most.

I just cant shake this feeling; yet the flip side is I also feel like I am still in limbo. Like I am just waiting for someone to knock on my front door and hand me a 2-year old. Our life has not really continued, more so just stayed the same. But I am OK? I am so confused, none of this is making any sense to me.

Also, while we were at Faith's Lodge, I received an email from a mother, pregnant with a little baby girl named Lucy Rose. She is 32 weeks along, and was diagnosed with Triploidy at 17 weeks. I really hate Triploidy. I wish we could have been assigned a different card...one with actual hope for life. Triploidy just sucks in all forms...I wish there was hope. But when it turned my world upside down, and then had the nerve to threaten my own life, I made it my enemy.

I hate being a bringer of bad news when someone has already received it and reaches out to me for hope. I have no hope to offer... I have a lot of support in any decisions they make for themselves and babies... but those first few emails back and forth...are tough.

Triploidy sucks...

Please pray for Lucy Rose and her mommy, Jeanene and the rest of her family. Funny thing too...she has a 3-year old brother, living...named Elijah...

On a lighter note, I received a thank you card in the mail today from New Beginnings - the organization where we donate Elijah's birthday presents too. It was nice to see that we are doing something to honor his birth each year. Even if it is small and simple. We didn't receive a card last year, so it was a very nice surprise to get one this year.

So... looking forward onto this week, Saturday will be mine and Andy's 5-year anniversary. I think this time we are going to celebrate it with Paighton. Usually we get a sitter and spend some alone time, but Paighton is just as much part of this marriage as we two are together. We are a family. So, I think we are going to head up to Duluth and take him to see a real-sized Thomas the Train and go for a train ride. I am so excited!! I have never been on a train ride (expect for the light rail in the cities - but that's not the same). So what better way for a first time, than with a little guy who is very much obsessed with trains?!

In saying good night now, I send hugs and prayers of comfort for our new friends at Faith's Lodge:
Kelly and Dennis - Jordyn
Jenny and Adam - Cooper
Mary and Ryan - Mac
Melanie and Sunny - Eliana
Charlotte and Dan - Landen
Deanna and Paul - Devon

May you always feel the warm embrace from your sweet babies when you most need it, and learn how to share your babies lives with the world around you so that we all may become better people because of them. God bless you always - thank you for sharing with me and Andy - you are all forever in our hearts.

Thank you Melanie and Sunny for writing our son's name on the beach. Just knowing he was in your mind for a moment, means that he was real and his life matters. Thank you for acknowledging him. Not very many people in my life do that. Maybe they are afraid of reminding me , or making me sad... I don't know. Just... THANK YOU!

Good night my sweet baby boy - Elijah - Mommy's little prince charming. May you come rescue me in my dreams tonight.

Love tenderly,
Mommy

Well, hello Stranger!

Wow. What can I say, other than wow? It sure has been a very long while since I have last written anything. Publicly anyways.

My life has changed so much, and once I just thought it was about set and on it's way, it changed again!

June 15th was my last day working at the bank I've been at for almost five years (I was two months shy of my five year mark). It was a very sad, yet joyous day.

I remember the day my son Paighton was born. I wanted to stay home with him so bad. However, finacially, it just wasn't feasible. It really isnt for most families these days. Then after the birth, and death, of our son Elijah, the thought of being a stay-at-home mom became even more of heavy steel chains tugging at my heart.

Though, I hear it all the time, and brush it off, but my eyes are becoming more focused, and my mind more open to entertain the thought... the thought that "everything happens for a reason". Perhaps I was a stay-at-home mom during those first two years as I grieved over Elijah, I certainly can admit it would have been more diffucult. You see, at work I had great people to talk to, surprise me with flowers and coffee dates. I was with family; and my other son, Paighton was at daycare playing and having fun. He didn't have to see mommy hurt all the time. It's a bummer he had to see any of it at all. I cant take away, or change the past; he saw and heard what he saw and heard.

I am glad Paighton knows of his brother Elijah. He talks about him all the time. A fake babydoll we gave him for Christmas (in preparation for Elijah's arrival), Paighton named.... Elijah. I hear him talk in his room alone, and when I ask who he is talking to, he frankly states"oh that's just my baby brother Elijah". The first couple times, it sent shivers throughout my body. Now it calms me, and brightens my soul with a very big, warm smile.

I knew it was the right time for me to stay home. I felt it deep within me, however weird that may sound, I just did.

So now I am on my third week of my stay-at-home mom role. It sure has been hard getting used to. I havent really found a routine yet. And Paighton and I have been getting on each other's nerves. Everyday though he still tells me it makes him so happy that I dont have to go to work. We just have to get used to being with each other 24/7. It's kind of like an older couple in their first years of retirement. What now? Well... for starters....let's get to know each other better.

Also with the added extra time I have, I have been writing more often. Like I mentioned earlier, not all of it is public. I hope that maybe some day it will be, but for now it is just for me. I really enjoy having a place I can go and let my thoughts flow as fast as my hand can keep up. Only downfall is when I go back to re-read anything I wrote, I cant translate my own handwritting. I huge "thank you" to technolgy and the advancement of the human race: I love my laptop!

On another note, I wanted to... but for many reasons didnt...write on Elijah's 2nd birthday this year. It was May 31st. I came here, often duing that week, on the day, and even a couple days after to write, but I just stared at the blank white box where text is supposed to be entered; my hands just couldnt move. My fingers laid motionless on the keyboard; as if they were touching a mousetrap waiting to snap if I dared to even twitch.

I dont know, or understand why today is different, but it is. I feel more free to share than I did in the days approaching and succeding his birthday.

The day of his birthday, we celebrated with a delicious dinner at one of mine and Andy's favorite restaurants. We invited only parents, and of course our friends form Sustaining Grace. Just like last year, everyone brought Elijah a birthday gift in which was donated in his memory to New Beginnings (a program home for pregnant teen girls and teen moms and their newborns). My mother-in-law even brought individually planted Forget-Me-Nots in tiny little tin buckets for Elijah's birthday guests to take home and plant. It was a wonderful, and hearfilled surprise. I have mine planted with the rest of my flowers. Here is a little peak of the flowers on the table..... 

Paighton in the picture was not too happy Grandma had the camera out! He is so shy from cameras and video, yet I will catch him alone watching his own videos I happened to sneak, and he reenacts them all, bit by bit! Oh yeah, and I wasn't paying attention! Oh well! At least the flowers were good looking.

After Elijah's birthday celebration, I went down to the cities for the weekend to celebrate our dear friend, Danica's birthday. Even though many years have passed without having her here with us, I miss her a lot and have a lot of regrets for not being there with her more while she was alive. We really just cant take life for granted because no matter a peron's age, baby or young adult, life can be taken away in a blink of an eye.

For Danica, we sent her bithday wishes written on balloons and released them into the sky towards Heaven. Here is an amazing shot of us walking down to our usual spot...

Afterwards, my husband told Danica's mom that he sent Danica some demands to follow. She laughed. Sadly, Andy didnt really get to know Danica. He met her once, but it sure was enough for her to leave a mark on him. She always had a certain thing about her that made people notice. She was one of the nicest, and most loving persons i have known. She certainly was the most tolerant for nonsense. And by nonsense, I really mean me.

I have another thing I would like to share. Something I have been holding onto for awhile but I just happened to look at the time and I said to myself "HOLY FISH STICKS!" I really got to get some sleep! And I know that this next thing that I want to share, well, it is going to require another hour or more for sure. It will be by far, more difficult that sharing a story, or pictures, of Elijah.

So until then...Goodnight!

Santa came early

So let's see how slick this goes... I have a whole day packed full of doctor appointments tomorrow down at Mayo in Rochester... All by myself. To help me pass the time while I wait my husband came home with a surprise. The iPad2! I am blogging on it right now! Cool huh? I have been aggressively playing the game Angry Birds. I even got a huge list of downloads in line waiting for some mommy and Paighton game time tomorrow night (that is if I get home from Mayo before he goes to bed). It is amazing all the things this tiny little screen can do. Only one thing it can't do... help me with my homework! Apparently Apple and Adobe got in a huge fight over money so now Apple refuses to support Adobe-based programs. My homework and my professor's videos need Adobe flash player in order to function. Boo on that! I can't even read my textbook on the iPad. Yeah sure it isn't the end of the world, however it would have been really nice not to lug around a backpack full of heavy textbooks. Well it sure was fun trying this out for the first time but I need to hit the bed. And hard! I have to leave at 5am!

Close call

I am feeling very thankful tonight. Not because the days are closing in on the upcoming holiday, Thanksgiving. I have been feeling extra thankful since last week Wednesday because I was reminded how quick life can be take away from me.... again.

Last week Wednesday, I was leaving work at 5pm. I was on my way to school to study and finish some homework and quizzes I had put off until that last day due. I stopped to talk to a friend for a few minutes, when my cell phone rang. I answered and it was my husband, telling me he had just been in a car accident. Our 3-year old son was with him.

Of course I freaked and rushed on my way.

But as I was driving (which felt like forever, but was only 15 minutes away) I was replaying our phone conversation we had 5 minutes prior to the accident back to myself in my head. I was feeling guilt. Heavy guilt.

I was feeling guilt because before the accident, my husband and son were on their way home. I talked briefly to my son because I knew he would be sleeping by the time I got home from school. He was sad, begging me to come home. I tried to explain the best a person could to a 3-year old, that mommy had to stay at school. And so, I was feeling guilty here as well for not being home as much as I would like, or he would like. I told him to tell daddy to take him shopping and buy him a new movie. My husband protested, but gave in.

He turned around.

5 minutes later, he got in the accident.

Thankfully, no one was injured badly. My husband's hand was bleeding a lot, but standing out in the ditch and the ice coldness of the air stopped the bleeding. Also his wrist and ankle are sore and he has a gash on his right shin. Even more thankfully, our son wasn't even touched. The ambulance still checked him over, and as he milked the attention of the EMTs, he pouted and showed them each of his week to two week old owies that he has received from being the world's biggest daredevil and couch-jumper. He certainly gave the EMTs a laugh, and said he would be fine.

Now we have to buy a new car. Since his car was a beater, we only insured liability on it. Last time I am going to do that!

It just seems like once life gets even an ounce easier, a car wreck happens and throws you back (or even father) to where you were once before.

Sure, I can pout and grumble about how much this sucks. But would I really think of, is I am glad to have my family. I would be devastated if I received that phone call from someone else, to explain the worst possible.

So no matter how many days a week my son says "jeez, mommy, you are making me crazy" because I force him to be responsible and clean his room and eat his veggies, I love him. His catch phrases always make me laugh, even in the serious and frustrating moments.

And, of course, no matter how many times my husband says "woman, you make me crazy", I love him just as much. He knows that the only reason I pick on him, is because I like him. It all goes back to the story of two little preschoolers on the playground, pulling piggy tails and throwing dirt, only because they like each other in the special way.

So, not because it's the month of the Thanksgiving holiday, but because of an unexpected reminder... I am very thankful for the family God has given me and the family that choose to be a part of our lives.

Wish

I wish you knew how I truly feel.

I wish you knew the day you stopped talking to me because you didn't know what to say... was a day of hurt and confusion.

I wish you knew how I cry myself to sleep every night. Hoping what you once said to me in the moments of friendship were really true.

I wish you knew that I am not a snob. I am climbing an uphill battle of low self-esteem.

I wish you knew that I think of you every day. Wanting to talk to you, but feeling unwelcome.



I do not wish... ever... that you might lose what I have lost.

Never.



You probably won't even read this. You don't even know that I exist.


I wish I had this a year ago to give to you...
http://www.slideshare.net/JOSHFoundation/dos-and-dontsfor-friends-of-bereaved-parents-3995619

Potty Training

We have entered into the world of potty training! Well, it has been awhile, but never seemed to stick. I think we might be getting somewhere this time. Luckily, our daycare provider wants my son to be out of diapers just as much as I do!

The one thing I am having a hard time figuring out is, why is it that he will stay dry all day at daycare, no accidents, until he gets home? He seems to fight me in everything. He wants to sit on the potty but not pull his underwear down? Or he just wants to play in the sink. He likes to drink water out of the cap belonging to his tube of toothpaste. I am very overwhelmed with how to keep his routine going easily back at home. What a lil' stinker he is being.

He has yet to do #2 though. He seems very interested in how the body works. We talked about what happens to our food when we eat it. Now, when we have dinner, he reminds me what is going to happen to the food he is putting into his mouth. It is always good to seize learning opportunities, however, I really dont want a biology lesson at each meal.

Regardless, it makes me laugh. And that is what counts!

Another funny thing Paighton has been doing to cheer me up is singing "I am a little tea pot". We dance to the words and wiggle our bodies together. He makes me laugh. I feel so proud of him for repsonding to the queues in the song; he puts his "handle" up and sticks out his "spout" just at the right time.

I really wish Elijah could be here to join in all of our fun. I bet Paighton would be singing away his little heart and teaching Elijah all about the potty.

If Elijah were here today, he would be 16 months old.

All in a day's work

The one magazine my eyes always scope the room for when entering the waiting lobby of a doctor's clinic is The Reader's Digest. I thoroughly enjoy reading the funny antic's, quotes, and of course, real-life mishaps. I have never subscribed to this magazine, knowingly I would never have "free-time" to read them. It's because of the convenience that I am already at the doctor's office, forced to wait, is when I read them. They brighten my mood.

I wonder if any of my daily life happenings would be "Reader Digest" worthy? Probably not, but according to my husband and a few friends, I certainly know how to cram it all in.

To give you a small recap, I am a full time wife to a very busy 'over-full time' husband, a full time mommy to a very needy, yet stubborn wants-to-be-independent three-year old, a full-time employee, and a part-time college student. Oh, and don't forget the occassional volunteering for certain causes and charities I like to help support when I can. So can my life be any more hectic? No... also forgot to mention, we are selling our house and relocating about 45-minutes away from where we live now. Phew!

Today is the start of week #7 for classes. I have survived my first 2 exams; 82% on one and the other at a 87%. Not bad, but not what I was aiming for. I am one of my worst critics. I was aiming for 95% of better... I was in such a bad mood when I saw that. I can only be upset with one person: Me.

The past two weeks I have been battling a really bad cough as well. I finally went in to the express clinic (per the pleads I kept receiving from my co-workers. Sorry guys!). I was tested for pnemonia and pertussis. No results yet, but at least I departed with a prescription for an antibiotic regardless of the test results. On a side note, the doctor and I sat in the room for a bit laughing and cringing at a giant spider dangling in the window (the other side, otherwise I would NOT have been in that room for long!) about the size of a dried apricot. It was huge! I think it helped to break the ice with the doctor and pull him away from work, and come down to a more humanly level that wasn't so professional. I like those kinds of doctors.

Speaking of doctors, my son has passed his egg allergy! YAAY! First night for dinner, we had french toast. And again later that week... and then waffles, and waffles again... I think he likes maple syrup.

With all the things to do on my plate, I am struggling to find that balance between everything. I want to spend time with my family, but I also want to be #1 in class. I am very competitive and just as failure is not an option, neither is in the middle an option for me. It just will not do. Aside from family and class, I want to accel at work. I have been so tired though. I think this is more due to being sick.

I have, though, been making sure I find enough time for sleep. Family, school and work all are at risk of my monster mood if I am tired. I set myself up to fail if I am sleepy. I am unable to recall on anything from memory if I see dancing pillows and twirly blankets in my head. Ah, the joyful comfort of my temporpedic bed! It is about five years old, but holds me tight just as well.

Thinking back on one of the (many) reasons why I wanted to go back to school and finish my double-major, I remember Elijah being just that. He is my motivation pushing me to become better in all things I know. So with that said... I find myself becoming sluggish. I am thinking about him in ways I shouldnt. I am finding myself sad again. Feeling alone and forgotten about.

Facebook should be the last place to vent about something (or should this blog be as well?), but my sister had posted a very understandle vent about her miscarriage less than a year ago. She was hurt, that at a first glance of a moment to think, our mother had counted off she has four grandchildren. She left off my sister's miscarriage...

Yes, I would be hurt too. But what I think my sister, very young sister, forgets as well, is she never talks about it. It was my persistent questions to our father that gave way to what happened. He didnt want to tell; but knew that if he didnt, she never would.

I wish she would have told me. I would have acted completlely different had I known. Even after I knew, when the topic is never brought up, I assume it's not supposed to be. I try to respect space and privacy. Same goes for another person who has had hard feelings towards me, which I am assuming stems for her own hurt of losing a baby. Maybe I did the wrong thing? Mayve I wasnt there in a way I was meant to be. How am I to know if those who need help never ask for it?

When my other younger cousin miscarried, we texted a lot back and forth; all the while keeping that distance in attempts to stay polite.

I would hope that any of my family or friends who are feeling alone; reach out to someone you can trust, and find some peace. Our problems will never go away, but we can lean on each other and make the walk a bit easier.

I am supposed to be studying right now...

But with all these thoughts and feelings circulating through my head, who can study? Not me. I am just counting down the minutes to when my husband walks through that door with (fingers corssed) a happy preschooler showing off his new letter her learned today.

Can you tell my thoughts are very unorganized today? I can always tell myself when I write as if I am talking to a physical person sitting in front of me. I think its healthy to talk to yourself, to an extent.

I surpass that extent every day. Oops :)