It is a very unusual feeling planning for a funeral while the person is still alive. I know it is very common, but for someone more in their 40s or older. I was giving into my little addiction today; went shopping at Target. I picked out a few matchbox race cars for my son, got some lavender bath beads and 3 lavender reed diffusers. I know, it seems like a lot, but I wanted one for the living room, bathroom, and my bedroom. I need to be surrounded by calm scents, and frankly, the smell of my neighbors dog crap that is cooking in the sun and drifting through my windows is making me a little sick. I hate dogs.
I ran into an old co-worker today at Target. She used to be my manager actually; it was really nice to see her. We talked about our lives, what we're doing and our kids. I was trying to avoid any attention directed towards my pregnant belly. I couldn't hide it. "Congrats on your pregnancy!" It would be too awkward to explain, yet too hard in the middle of Target. I just said thanks and told her when baby boy is due: August 22nd. I went on my way after wishing her well. It was so nice seeing her; she was one of the nicest managers I've known, a very good person.
Later in the evening while I was cooking dinner, our doorbell rang. It was our neighbor. He has been trying to help us with our siding since our last contractor Patriot ditched us during last Springs hail storm; our siding is still damaged. I was not in the mood to deal with our siding dilemma as that too is a long story. He is aware that I pregnant as we have talked about it and our other children before. I didn't want to get into too much detail with him either. I just informed him we are in the middle of planning for a funeral and haven't had any time to call Patriot to get released from the contract we had signed with them, or to call our insurance company up again to go around in an argumentative circle. He understood and just told me when we are ready to give him a call. I really appreciate him checking in with us again though. Our siding does need to be fixed, and I cannot forget about it too long.
It's weird going out into public, or getting together with people. I am obviously pregnant. I cannot hide it. I almost feel like I am walking around with a watermelon under my shirt because I know that what I am going to get in the end is not a baby I get to take home. I say watermelon, because if a person was really walking around with one under her shirt, that person would feel uncomfortable, physically and emotionally; thinking that everyone is looking at her with odd expressions on their faces, just waiting for something to happen. That's because they are. A watermelon would look very strange, and I too, myself, would exchange a look of "what the heck?". I feel like that's what people are saying behind my back..."what the...". I have already gone through receiving funny look, even looks of disgust, from complete strangers in public when I was pregnant with my son. I can understand that... I look like I am 16 years old. People have a very hard time believing me when I tell them my real age. Even now more, when I am out with my son, a giant pregnant belly... wow, the looks I get! I even saw one mom shaking her head behind my back and once she realized I was watching her do this for a few seconds, she stood tall and scampered off with her perfect little family. Maybe I should make-up a few hickeys on my neck, wear spandex booty jeans, and a really low cut shirt. That will give all the moms in the area something to talk about. I don't know why this bugs me. It just does. I think because people do not know me. They do not know that I have held a job since age 14. I have been on my own since age 17. I have worked very hard against the statistics and came out on top. I am very educated; most companies in this area wouldn't even be able to afford to employ me. Yet do you think I would even be given the opportunity to interview? No. I look like I belong in high school. Other people, who actually like me, say "You should feel very blessed to have found the fountain of youth. You will be thankful for looking so young when your older". Well, yeah maybe. But I need to establish a career now and not when I am 40 because then I look like I am 20. Whatever society.
Back to reality, I apologize for my off-the path rant. So yeah. I am pregnant, and it feels very strange. I often catch myself feeling the baby move and jumping to grab my husband's attention "Oh, feel, quick!" I forget sometimes... and I don't want to make things harder for him. He is having a hard time with this too. I think he might be a little more detached than I am though. He cannot feel the baby move on a 24/7 basis; I can. I do not want to invalidate his feelings, I am just saying... I think our feelings are different in their own way.
I told my husband that I have been Googling images online about Triploidy and spina bifida. I want to prepare myself for what the baby will look like. I am not doing it in any way to punish myself, or torment myself. I need to be prepared. I do not want to be shocked, which I am sure I will be anyways, or to be disgusted. It is my baby, and I will love it no matter what it looks like. I just need to know now... I suggested he do the same. I am unsure if he will though. Its really difficult, and quite surprising, that there are actually pictures online that are very easily accessible, pictures of deceased babies, pictures of babies kept for science... it's really hard. The hospital wanted my baby's body. I said no, they may do their autopsy if they wish, but I want my baby back. He deserves a proper funeral and I do not want to subject him to be on display for the next 100-some years. I agreed to the autopsy and other testing involving something to do with chromosomes; because again, God let this happen for a reason. My baby was supposed to be like this. I really hope my baby help leads to more answers for this horrible, horrible triploidy crap, maybe even better treatment and hope to God a preventative measure (although I am not sure prevention is possible without the practice of test-tube babies, which again is a political controversy). Only time will tell...
I love my son, I love my husband, I love my unborn, dying baby Elijah. Now I need to find that love again for myself. I wonder where that went...
Maybe it is in my percocet bottle. Wait.. that's empty....
Looks like a lavender bath and some Food Network for me instead...
Good night Lord.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Sober
I do not think of myself as the type to clutch onto an addition of any sort. I often wonder, how does one get addicted to anything to begin with? Understandably if that addiction is chocolate, or that venti soy white mocha and hazelnut latte with extra espresso shots; an addiction of comfort for your taste buds. Or maybe its an addiction to spending money, which I have done but it leaves me feeling empty and stressed out when that major bill comes through in the mail. Addictions make us feel good. I notice that when I am bored even, I like to go shopping. I am better now at not spending money, but I always seems to pick up an item or two for my son or husband. I turned into a person that feels guilty and selfish if I spend money on myself.
I never understood harmful addictions, like drinking, drugs, self-inflicted injuries, and so on. I always thought of them as very stupid, selfish acts. People who are mature enough to know what is right and what is wrong. It bothered me to no end. I would actually get really furious thinking about it. I think now I understand. Last week an OB had prescribed me 30 pills of percocet, no refills, and made the suggestion of dropping my son off at daycare and taking them with a glass of wine to help calm myself. I know, I know, not very smart, but it makes sense right? My son is in a safe place, and I am all alone to do whatever I want, to cope, cry, scream, laugh, and cry again. You would think I would still have some left. I don't. I did NOT however drink any alcohol. I am too afraid of who I am right now. I don't trust myself to say enough is enough. When the pills run out, and the bottle says "No refills", then I am done. I am too embarrassed to ask a doctor for more. My time of numbing my body and mind at night is over. Now its time for reality again.
I feel ashamed for judging others who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. I never understood their rhyme or reason. A family member struggled with alcohol; I think she still might, I am not sure. She lost pretty much her entire family to cancer. Losing a loved one is not easy. I know I am a strong person, and I refuse to fall into the holes of 'harmful' addictions. Maybe I will just stick to shopping and lattes. I need to keep my body healthy for myself and my family. I am sure my husband and I will try for another baby; not really sure when. I think I might be ready sooner than he will be though. I remember when we made the final decision of having Paighton. Wow, what an emotional mess he was! His mind was working against his baby-making part. He was so focused on becoming a daddy for the first time, all the things that will change not only his life, but our life that the most essential part of his body wouldn't cooperate. He was NEVER in the mood. I always look back on that, knowing that will probably be the only time I am able to say that. ha ha.
Now I am left to think of natural ways to help me sleep at night, instead of depending on something else. Maybe I will go shopping and get some lavender! That sounds like a great idea!
Today I have to make a final decision of what we are going to do. After dropping my son off at daycare this morning, I checked my email, and I get a message from someone that has been following my story on MomsLikeMe. I started to come to peace.... until now... this is what she said: "Hi,I didn't feel that it would have been appropriate to post this for all to see, so I hope you don't mind this private message. I know that I am no one in your life and that my opinion doesn't mean much but I am just heart broken by what you are having to deal with. Our neighbor across the field went through the very same thing you are. They told her that she wouldn't live if she continued the pregnancy. She chose to continue with it anyway. She went into labor at 5 1/2 months. Landon James was born at 11:20AM on April 8th, 2009 - one year ago today. He lived twenty two minutes, but they were the most powerful 22 minutes of their lives and they are so glad that they did what they did. Erin, the mother, was very sick through the pregnancy and quite honestly, I was really worried about her - but she said that she was given this test by God and that she would put her faith in HIM and do what HE asked of her. I lost a baby, too - I was only eight weeks along and then found out that we couldn't get pregnant again for who knows WHAT reason. I would give ANYTHING to have a child - even if it was for only a short while. God has chosen you for this journey for a reason. Don't quit on HIM - don't quit on your son! That is my plea to you. I cried when I read that you can feel your child move and respond to you when you tease him through your belly. That, in itself, is a miracle and what IF they are wrong? Ask God to guide you through this and pray that the best thing happen for all of you - but give it a chance - PLEASE! He answers prayers - especially when there are two or more gathered - if you pray, your son is right there with you and God will listen. You stay strong and you stay positive - no matter how difficult that may be. If you will it to happen by your faith and determination - who knows.... This may just be the best thing that has happened to you. Please, sweetie, don't give up. For all of us that can't have kids, don't give up. I will continue to pray for you and your little precious baby. Just think about this, please? I am sorry if I offended you, but I just felt so strongly about this and needed to share this with you -Pray - ask God for a miracle. I know that I will do the same for you. God Bless."
So... yea... I know what it feels like to be told you can never have children. I went through surgery and a year long treatment in order to get pregnant with my first son. I was given this choice at a VERY early age; an age I was not ready to even start thinking about children. I have endometriosis. My doctor told me I need a hysterectomy; or get pregnant. My husband and I rushed to get our plans in order; get married, buy a house; make a baby. We did not want to have children without the marriage and house taken care of. We are young parents; successful though I'd like to think. We are not rich by any means, but live comfortably looking back at the many luxuries we actually gave up. I do not know her entire story, I am thankful she shared her feelings with me. She did not offend me, although, I think all people should understand that having a baby for the sake of others who cannot should never be a reason to do so. I am sad she cannot have children, and I am even sadder her neighbor's lost theirs. I am sad for anything involving children as they are so innocent and do not understand adult theories and decisions. I wish I had the mind of a child... my life would be much more enjoyable I think.
With a sober mind I can make positive and clear decisions. With a sober body, I may again, someday, have more babies and not have to make such a difficult decision.
Either way, I would appreciate if people would respect my husband's and my decision (keep in mind, it is NOT yet made). You do not have to understand why, or agree. We understand that people are very different in many ways; they cope and heal differently. They can handle more or less than others. Our Pastor already assured us that no matter what, God is with us in our decision. I was struggling with the confusing question of whether or not God wanted me to intervene. Our Pastor said He already has... by letting me know now...God has intervened.
Again... God is preparing me for something important.... He is putting me through many tests right now. So far, I have passed one... I am unable to become addicted to pain meds; even though I tried, oh did I try... it's an impossible feat. it cannot be done... I just love my lattes way too much!
I think today I might take a shower...
I never understood harmful addictions, like drinking, drugs, self-inflicted injuries, and so on. I always thought of them as very stupid, selfish acts. People who are mature enough to know what is right and what is wrong. It bothered me to no end. I would actually get really furious thinking about it. I think now I understand. Last week an OB had prescribed me 30 pills of percocet, no refills, and made the suggestion of dropping my son off at daycare and taking them with a glass of wine to help calm myself. I know, I know, not very smart, but it makes sense right? My son is in a safe place, and I am all alone to do whatever I want, to cope, cry, scream, laugh, and cry again. You would think I would still have some left. I don't. I did NOT however drink any alcohol. I am too afraid of who I am right now. I don't trust myself to say enough is enough. When the pills run out, and the bottle says "No refills", then I am done. I am too embarrassed to ask a doctor for more. My time of numbing my body and mind at night is over. Now its time for reality again.
I feel ashamed for judging others who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. I never understood their rhyme or reason. A family member struggled with alcohol; I think she still might, I am not sure. She lost pretty much her entire family to cancer. Losing a loved one is not easy. I know I am a strong person, and I refuse to fall into the holes of 'harmful' addictions. Maybe I will just stick to shopping and lattes. I need to keep my body healthy for myself and my family. I am sure my husband and I will try for another baby; not really sure when. I think I might be ready sooner than he will be though. I remember when we made the final decision of having Paighton. Wow, what an emotional mess he was! His mind was working against his baby-making part. He was so focused on becoming a daddy for the first time, all the things that will change not only his life, but our life that the most essential part of his body wouldn't cooperate. He was NEVER in the mood. I always look back on that, knowing that will probably be the only time I am able to say that. ha ha.
Now I am left to think of natural ways to help me sleep at night, instead of depending on something else. Maybe I will go shopping and get some lavender! That sounds like a great idea!
Today I have to make a final decision of what we are going to do. After dropping my son off at daycare this morning, I checked my email, and I get a message from someone that has been following my story on MomsLikeMe. I started to come to peace.... until now... this is what she said: "Hi,I didn't feel that it would have been appropriate to post this for all to see, so I hope you don't mind this private message. I know that I am no one in your life and that my opinion doesn't mean much but I am just heart broken by what you are having to deal with. Our neighbor across the field went through the very same thing you are. They told her that she wouldn't live if she continued the pregnancy. She chose to continue with it anyway. She went into labor at 5 1/2 months. Landon James was born at 11:20AM on April 8th, 2009 - one year ago today. He lived twenty two minutes, but they were the most powerful 22 minutes of their lives and they are so glad that they did what they did. Erin, the mother, was very sick through the pregnancy and quite honestly, I was really worried about her - but she said that she was given this test by God and that she would put her faith in HIM and do what HE asked of her. I lost a baby, too - I was only eight weeks along and then found out that we couldn't get pregnant again for who knows WHAT reason. I would give ANYTHING to have a child - even if it was for only a short while. God has chosen you for this journey for a reason. Don't quit on HIM - don't quit on your son! That is my plea to you. I cried when I read that you can feel your child move and respond to you when you tease him through your belly. That, in itself, is a miracle and what IF they are wrong? Ask God to guide you through this and pray that the best thing happen for all of you - but give it a chance - PLEASE! He answers prayers - especially when there are two or more gathered - if you pray, your son is right there with you and God will listen. You stay strong and you stay positive - no matter how difficult that may be. If you will it to happen by your faith and determination - who knows.... This may just be the best thing that has happened to you. Please, sweetie, don't give up. For all of us that can't have kids, don't give up. I will continue to pray for you and your little precious baby. Just think about this, please? I am sorry if I offended you, but I just felt so strongly about this and needed to share this with you -Pray - ask God for a miracle. I know that I will do the same for you. God Bless."
So... yea... I know what it feels like to be told you can never have children. I went through surgery and a year long treatment in order to get pregnant with my first son. I was given this choice at a VERY early age; an age I was not ready to even start thinking about children. I have endometriosis. My doctor told me I need a hysterectomy; or get pregnant. My husband and I rushed to get our plans in order; get married, buy a house; make a baby. We did not want to have children without the marriage and house taken care of. We are young parents; successful though I'd like to think. We are not rich by any means, but live comfortably looking back at the many luxuries we actually gave up. I do not know her entire story, I am thankful she shared her feelings with me. She did not offend me, although, I think all people should understand that having a baby for the sake of others who cannot should never be a reason to do so. I am sad she cannot have children, and I am even sadder her neighbor's lost theirs. I am sad for anything involving children as they are so innocent and do not understand adult theories and decisions. I wish I had the mind of a child... my life would be much more enjoyable I think.
With a sober mind I can make positive and clear decisions. With a sober body, I may again, someday, have more babies and not have to make such a difficult decision.
Either way, I would appreciate if people would respect my husband's and my decision (keep in mind, it is NOT yet made). You do not have to understand why, or agree. We understand that people are very different in many ways; they cope and heal differently. They can handle more or less than others. Our Pastor already assured us that no matter what, God is with us in our decision. I was struggling with the confusing question of whether or not God wanted me to intervene. Our Pastor said He already has... by letting me know now...God has intervened.
Again... God is preparing me for something important.... He is putting me through many tests right now. So far, I have passed one... I am unable to become addicted to pain meds; even though I tried, oh did I try... it's an impossible feat. it cannot be done... I just love my lattes way too much!
I think today I might take a shower...
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