Independence

This year's Fourth of July celebration was my son's second, yet first in seeing fireworks. I was anxious to see how he would react, and to see the look on his face when the first burst of color flickers in the night sky. I wanted to see in his eyes the reflection of the starburst.

To my surprise, he was afraid of them. I thought he would enjoy it. At first, he smiled and laughed, but it was more of a nervous laugh. His body started to tremble and then I saw tears. We left to go home. He got to see a few of them and that is all that my husband and I wanted; a sneak peek. When we got to our vehicle and I took him out of his stroller, we just stood there for a few more minutes thinking he would now be more calm. He was a little, but then a big one went off. He lunged for the door handle. It was so cute. I feel bad for laughing at his expense of feeling frightened, but I couldn't help myself. He was just so darn cute; endearing.

With this holiday passing, I begin to think of how it could have been different had my other son been with us. Elijah would be 5 weeks old now.

The other day the three of us went to McDonald's. I am not particularly fond of McDonald's, but I have not been grocery shopping for awhile due to taking care of my grandmother in the ICU. It was something easy and quick; besides Paighton seemed to enjoy the new experience. We sat in a booth with a highchair at the end of the table. Paighton didn't want to sit in it so he just sat on his knees next to his Daddy. My husband later told me that while we sat there and ate, he imagined our son Elijah sitting there with us in the empty highchair. I tried to make light of the situation and joked that a 5-week old wouldn't be able to sit. He cracked a smile, but still... I knew what he meant and where he was coming from. I often imagine our son being physically present with us too.

I felt useless at that moment, knowing no matter what I said to my husband it wouldn't make things "better". The kind of better we both want, our son to be here with us and not in Heaven.

I think my husband is a stronger person than I am. Either that or more introverted with is emotions than I am. However, he is the most emotionally-open man I know. I am glad to be with him because I don't know how I would survive with the "typical male". Andrew is by no means "typical". I am thankful for that.

In observance of the holiday and thinking of what independence means for me and my family, I think of the soldiers who have fought and lost their lives or returned home for us. They have accomplished many great things. I compare; just as they have fought for us, I fought for my son. Only difference is I did not win. I did not accomplish what I meant to accomplish. I wonder, will I ever accomplish anything worthwhile for Elijah? Not for me, or anyone else, but him. Only him. I will spend the rest of my life trying and continuing to accomplish for him.

The rest of this month, or longer I will spend a lot of my time and energy on my grandmother. I fear for her health and her life. She has been in the ICU now for nine days. I know she is a strong woman, but learning from Elijah, I also know God decides all.

People keep telling me that God never gives a person more than they can handle. I would like to say this to God... "Ok I get it, I am flattered. I can handle a lot, a crap load. You may stop at any time now, I have had enough".