Parade of Life

The weather has been nice lately. Most people would disagree with me, but I kind of like it. The smell of the sky and the feel of the moist air on my skin reminds me of my high school days. I remember hanging out with friends, running through cornfields to sneak up and spy on the boys, and sitting around the campfire. Those days were so innocent, not knowing my life would lead me to where I am now. I didn't know life would separate me from people I thought would be in my life forever; I thought we would still be doing the same things. We are not.

I also did not know that I would ever have to deal with losing my own child. I knew that some point in my life I would have to deal with death, but not death of a baby less than a day old. Not even death of anyone younger than myself. I was not ready, I was not prepared.

Today my husband and I took our son to a parade. I was so excited, sitting right next to him and watching every emotion in his face change as the floats passed us by. His eyes would light up with excitement when a dog or cool truck would go pass. When the marching bands came close, he would stare and get lost in space. He was so amazed by the drums and flags twirling around. I barely watched the parade. My eyes were focused on him. Every time he smiled, I smiled. My heart would fill with joy. I wanted to sit right on top of him, I couldn't get close enough to him. He even got a couple suckers, and boy did he like that! He was Mommy's lil sticky fingered munchkin.

The moment the suckers went into Mommy's hair, the suckers were in the garbage. Distraction tactic = banana. Mission complete!

Then the MADD float went by. I remember that float from past years. I was in a really good mood until I saw the mangled minivan atop the trailer being pulled from behind. I can envision my own minivan, and where my children would sit. Placed around the minivan on the trailer were pictures of the children; children who lost their lives to a care less drunk driver. I felt sad. Then I felt like I wanted to lose it when I saw the picture of the mother's unborn baby, placed as if he were sleeping and holding a very dainty and wilted daisy. I didn't lose it... I wanted to. I remember how I felt last year when I saw that picture, not knowing that the organization NILMDTS that took that picture of the dead baby would also take pictures of my dead baby. I remember being shocked, thinking the picture was gruesome and controversial for publicly displaying it. It's a picture of a baby; a dead baby! Not everyone would want to see a picture of a dead baby, so why force them by element of surprise? No one knows its coming around the corner, then all of a sudden its there. You don't have time to make the choice of yes or no I am going to look.

Now, knowing what I know, and going through what I am going through, I think about what other people feel when they see pictures of my Elijah. I hope they are not shocked, or think gruesome and horrific thoughts. I hope they don't think ugly thoughts. I hope people don't think my baby Elijah is an ugly baby. Yes, he did not develop what we consider to be 'normal', but he is still a baby. He doesn't know any different, he didn't have any choice.

I can still see that picture very vividly. The baby's head turned to his left. The daisy, held in the baby's left hand, bowing its pedals to the right. The baby's right hand is clenched in a fist, laid to rest on his chest. His face looks soft, and at peace despite the bruising. Elijah had bruising too. It looks so traumatic and painful. I have been told its not, and I remind myself of it always, but it is hard to believe.

As the float went and passed, I felt sick. I tried my best to be happy, for my son. I wanted him to enjoy the parade and have this experience. I didn't want to be selfish. I waited for the Shriner's to go by on their go-karts, and then I said it, "I want to go". The sun was starting to come out and the weather was starting to get hot anyways. None of us like it super hot, we get cranky.

I find it strange how certain emotions can have an actual physical effect on your body. I understanding being sad, and sometimes a person can vomit if they cry too hard. But they way certain things make me feel is odd. It is hard to explain, but its as if my body just wants to say "I quit". I feel hot, dizzy, nauseous and forget to keep breathing. I want to pass out. I abandon what I am doing at the moment and run away for fear I will draw attention to myself.

Life is kind of like a parade. There is excitement, chaos, candy, encouragement and even sadness. I have had every float in life now. There is more to experience though, and I look forward to it. I do not look forward to any more sad floats. I know they will come, and that instills more fear in me. I am afraid to set goals for myself for fear sadness will come along and take it away; take away my happiness.

My son and husband are my happiness. I went through many difficult friendships and relationships to meet my husband. I went through many years of pain, surgery, and treatments to have my son. They are my happiness and I have fought very hard and cried many tears to have them in my life. I am forever grateful to God for putting them in my life. I never want to be apart from them. I want to stare in their eyes all day, every day. I need them and they need me. The feeling of being needed is more than I ever thought it would be.

Thank you Lord. Although I ask of you this, please give me the strength to set personal goals so that I do not stall in life and become numb. I want to continue living life, not to just be "alive". Amen.