I just woke up from a little nap. I woke up to the kicks and punches and somersaults of my sweet baby Elijah. He is just as active and hyper as my son Paighton was when I was pregnant with him.
This is a dream, a nightmare actually. I wish I had some ruby red slippers to click my heels together and wish me home. I wish I could wake up. The wicked witch is about to steal my son away from me. Only thing is, I am the wicked witch.
I cant help but to still feel I am making a horribly wrong decision in my book of life. I cannot erase what is already written; this has not been written yet, just sitting on a rough draft. I can change it if I want to. I can so "NO!" if I want to. I can just not go to Abbott tomorrow; call them and tell them never mind. I just feel that so many people helped me make my decision and i cannot turn back now.
I think I would maybe feel better about going on instead of terminating if I had more support; family, friends and medical. Especially the medical support! I look down the path of life, and no one is standing on the side lines to cheer me on; it is empty, dark, and scary. The path of death on the other hand has a ton of people, sad but supportive. Everyone seems to sympathize, but they always say "it is what's best for your family". Well I want to know, what's best for me? What's best for my baby Elijah? I cant seem all that selfish asking that can I?
This is still MY body. No one owns it, not even my husband or son. Yet what I do with my body effects the people in my life. Even if I was a drugged out stripper that ran away to California of something, that would effect not just my husband and son, but my parents, siblings, my husband's parents and siblings, and the list goes on...
I do not want to be selfish. I want to think of others, especially baby Elijah. That is why I am SO confused. No one seems to want baby Elijah alive except me. I feel like I am the only one fighting for him. It is hard fighting alone.
How am I suppose to tell my husband that I do not want to do this? That I want to fight until I cannot possibly fight anymore?
I just feel that Elijah's increased activity in my belly is him trying to tell me, he loves me, and wants to see me. And I want to see him too. I want to fight for his life, and so does he, I think. Why cant anyone else see it the way I do? I feel his love, all the time... I do not want to lose his love...
I love you Baby Elijah...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
Today I received word on the final plans. I did not want to listen, I did not want to agree to anything, I did not want to make any more decisions. I am tired. Very tired.
This Wednesday at 7:30am, I am to be admitted to Abbott Northwestern in Minneapolis. My mother and my husband's father are our chosen support for the day. I feel like I am committing murder and getting away with it. My insurance company labels it an "elective abortion". This is NOT by any means an abortion!
I wish people, all people, who are Pro-life were not like me. I am pro-life; hardcore pro-life. I always believed there is nothing, NOTHING, in this world that would effect my beliefs and decisions. I feel that people who got abortions just because a baby didn't fit in with their life at the moment are selfish; I still do. If you are that person, I do not need a ton of nasty argumentative comments or emails. This is my opinion and mine alone. You don't need to be my friend, no one is forcing you. Would you harass someone for being a vegan because they think you are gross and cruel for eating an animal? I would hope not. (By the way, I love vegan dishes... and meat...). The reason why I wish pro-life people like me, were in a sense not like me (Does that make any sense?) is because it took something so horrible, challenging, and tragically sad to help me understand and see life through different eyes. I want my baby, YES, of course I do. Do I want to end my baby's life? NO! Do I want my baby to suffer for 1 minute or 48 hours? None of course, but if I have to choose, I'd say 1 minute. I hope pro-life people do not have to endure something like this in order to understand that, yes, there are many gray areas when it comes to life. We only have our human feelings and religious beliefs to guide us. We have the responsibility to decipher to codes, put the puzzle pieces together and see what happens. When you really look at it, no one can say for 100% sure which is right and which is wrong; on any moral issue. Only the God we believe in knows the answers; and someday, we too will know, when our time is up.
In this situation, I do have to choose. And I have. I choose the lesser of the two evils. They both suck, they both upset me greatly and I may never forgive myself, but I have to ask God to forgive me; and I know He will.
I was being asked today questions like "how much time do you want to be alone with your baby?" and "do you want footprints/hand prints if possible, and locks of hair, and pictures?". Stuff like that. Just thinking about it hurts. It hurts a lot. I cant believe I have to think about this stuff. Yes, I want a lock of hair... but from my baby's first haircut, NOT this! I want hand prints and footprints that my sweet baby brings home from school to show me what he did with paint in school. I want pictures to EVERYTHING; first day of school, first bike pedals without training wheels, first prom, wedding, grandchildren! I want it all!
We will be getting photos, I hope. Someone had contacted me with the NILMDTS (Now I lay me down to sleep) organization saying she would like to help me out. She is a professional photographer. I really hope she still wants to. I feel bad that I didn't respond to her right away. I was afraid of things being too real. I still wont even talk to the funeral home on the phone. I am only doing things via email; they probably think I am a scam by now...
In my posts, I seem calm and at peace with things. I just keep telling myself that. I am an utter mess to be honest. Today I laid in bed crying, screaming, then back to crying. I yelled at myself, into my pillow, asking "why?". I called out to my baby telling him that mommy is so sorry, and that mommy loves him so much; mommy will take away the pain. Mommy is going to miss Baby Elijah a lot...
Then I logged into Facebook, looking for something to help me calm down. Maybe something funny or dumb a friend would have posted. Instead I saw a picture of a dear friend who passed away at a young age from a 4-wheeler accident. I still have feelings that haven't found any closure because I didn't get to say good-bye. It wasn't until 5 months after she passed did I even know, at no fault of any one's but my own. I never seemed to forgive myself for that. In this picture she was feeding a bottle to a baby. She always loved babies. She wanted to care for all babies and have her own someday. I broke down, again. I miss my friend so much, but it was nice to know a little piece of purpose to her passing. She was preparing for the arrival of my baby Elijah, and all the other babies in Heaven. I have always been upset that Paighton would grow up not knowing her, but I found comfort knowing Elijah will. I can't wait to see both of them again someday.
Tomorrow my husband is not going to work, and Paighton is staying home from daycare. We are going to have a family day, and maybe go by some items for baby's photos. I do not want gruesome parts to be shown, only his beautiful face.
Then very early Wednesday morning, at 5am, we will drop Paighton off at daycare and head to the cities. I am so scared and feel very uneasy leaving Paighton behind and having to spend a night away from him. It hurts my heart to think he will be scared sleeping at someone else's house and not seeing mommy or daddy for a couple of days. I wish things could be different. I trust the family he will be with, I just don't like the fact that its them and not me. I am his mommy, i should be there for him no matter what. I just keep telling myself that at least he is young and wont remember any of this when he is older. Maybe it would be easier if he were older; have a sleepover at a friends or something. What sucks even more is I think he is sick... He has had a runny nose for a few days now and tonight he started to cough. As I am writing this, I can hear him wake up a couple times in his crib, crying and coughing. Just as my husband is about to check on him, he goes back to sleep. So I am not sure what is going on. I wish it isn't anything serious that requires a visit to the doctor; I wont be around to take him. UGH! Why? Why can't things just come one at a time? Why double up on my already overbearing load of stress?
Speaking of stress, I am still trying to finish my taxes. The website froze on me at the end doing an audit check. Thankfully it saved everything. What next? Oh, I know. My former daycare provider wants more money. We stopped bringing Paighton there because we found out she was abusing and neglecting his basic needs. He was being strapped to a chair all day, while the other kids got to run around. She claimed it was to keep him safe due to his food allergies. I don't but it for a second. Not only that, my son smelled like poop every time i picked him up. I don't think she ever changed his diaper until i actually showed up to get him.
I hope that my life can destress a little. I hope I find peace somewhere...
Tonight I go to bed asking God to help me sleep, asking him to heal my son and stay with him as mommy and daddy are away for awhile.
This Wednesday at 7:30am, I am to be admitted to Abbott Northwestern in Minneapolis. My mother and my husband's father are our chosen support for the day. I feel like I am committing murder and getting away with it. My insurance company labels it an "elective abortion". This is NOT by any means an abortion!
I wish people, all people, who are Pro-life were not like me. I am pro-life; hardcore pro-life. I always believed there is nothing, NOTHING, in this world that would effect my beliefs and decisions. I feel that people who got abortions just because a baby didn't fit in with their life at the moment are selfish; I still do. If you are that person, I do not need a ton of nasty argumentative comments or emails. This is my opinion and mine alone. You don't need to be my friend, no one is forcing you. Would you harass someone for being a vegan because they think you are gross and cruel for eating an animal? I would hope not. (By the way, I love vegan dishes... and meat...). The reason why I wish pro-life people like me, were in a sense not like me (Does that make any sense?) is because it took something so horrible, challenging, and tragically sad to help me understand and see life through different eyes. I want my baby, YES, of course I do. Do I want to end my baby's life? NO! Do I want my baby to suffer for 1 minute or 48 hours? None of course, but if I have to choose, I'd say 1 minute. I hope pro-life people do not have to endure something like this in order to understand that, yes, there are many gray areas when it comes to life. We only have our human feelings and religious beliefs to guide us. We have the responsibility to decipher to codes, put the puzzle pieces together and see what happens. When you really look at it, no one can say for 100% sure which is right and which is wrong; on any moral issue. Only the God we believe in knows the answers; and someday, we too will know, when our time is up.
In this situation, I do have to choose. And I have. I choose the lesser of the two evils. They both suck, they both upset me greatly and I may never forgive myself, but I have to ask God to forgive me; and I know He will.
I was being asked today questions like "how much time do you want to be alone with your baby?" and "do you want footprints/hand prints if possible, and locks of hair, and pictures?". Stuff like that. Just thinking about it hurts. It hurts a lot. I cant believe I have to think about this stuff. Yes, I want a lock of hair... but from my baby's first haircut, NOT this! I want hand prints and footprints that my sweet baby brings home from school to show me what he did with paint in school. I want pictures to EVERYTHING; first day of school, first bike pedals without training wheels, first prom, wedding, grandchildren! I want it all!
We will be getting photos, I hope. Someone had contacted me with the NILMDTS (Now I lay me down to sleep) organization saying she would like to help me out. She is a professional photographer. I really hope she still wants to. I feel bad that I didn't respond to her right away. I was afraid of things being too real. I still wont even talk to the funeral home on the phone. I am only doing things via email; they probably think I am a scam by now...
In my posts, I seem calm and at peace with things. I just keep telling myself that. I am an utter mess to be honest. Today I laid in bed crying, screaming, then back to crying. I yelled at myself, into my pillow, asking "why?". I called out to my baby telling him that mommy is so sorry, and that mommy loves him so much; mommy will take away the pain. Mommy is going to miss Baby Elijah a lot...
Then I logged into Facebook, looking for something to help me calm down. Maybe something funny or dumb a friend would have posted. Instead I saw a picture of a dear friend who passed away at a young age from a 4-wheeler accident. I still have feelings that haven't found any closure because I didn't get to say good-bye. It wasn't until 5 months after she passed did I even know, at no fault of any one's but my own. I never seemed to forgive myself for that. In this picture she was feeding a bottle to a baby. She always loved babies. She wanted to care for all babies and have her own someday. I broke down, again. I miss my friend so much, but it was nice to know a little piece of purpose to her passing. She was preparing for the arrival of my baby Elijah, and all the other babies in Heaven. I have always been upset that Paighton would grow up not knowing her, but I found comfort knowing Elijah will. I can't wait to see both of them again someday.
Tomorrow my husband is not going to work, and Paighton is staying home from daycare. We are going to have a family day, and maybe go by some items for baby's photos. I do not want gruesome parts to be shown, only his beautiful face.
Then very early Wednesday morning, at 5am, we will drop Paighton off at daycare and head to the cities. I am so scared and feel very uneasy leaving Paighton behind and having to spend a night away from him. It hurts my heart to think he will be scared sleeping at someone else's house and not seeing mommy or daddy for a couple of days. I wish things could be different. I trust the family he will be with, I just don't like the fact that its them and not me. I am his mommy, i should be there for him no matter what. I just keep telling myself that at least he is young and wont remember any of this when he is older. Maybe it would be easier if he were older; have a sleepover at a friends or something. What sucks even more is I think he is sick... He has had a runny nose for a few days now and tonight he started to cough. As I am writing this, I can hear him wake up a couple times in his crib, crying and coughing. Just as my husband is about to check on him, he goes back to sleep. So I am not sure what is going on. I wish it isn't anything serious that requires a visit to the doctor; I wont be around to take him. UGH! Why? Why can't things just come one at a time? Why double up on my already overbearing load of stress?
Speaking of stress, I am still trying to finish my taxes. The website froze on me at the end doing an audit check. Thankfully it saved everything. What next? Oh, I know. My former daycare provider wants more money. We stopped bringing Paighton there because we found out she was abusing and neglecting his basic needs. He was being strapped to a chair all day, while the other kids got to run around. She claimed it was to keep him safe due to his food allergies. I don't but it for a second. Not only that, my son smelled like poop every time i picked him up. I don't think she ever changed his diaper until i actually showed up to get him.
I hope that my life can destress a little. I hope I find peace somewhere...
Tonight I go to bed asking God to help me sleep, asking him to heal my son and stay with him as mommy and daddy are away for awhile.
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