Stuck on replay

I feel like I have been stuck in the same spot these past two months. As the days creep up closer and closer to the dates of April 1st and May 31st, my heart throbs stronger with the pain it experienced almost a year ago.

I am reliving my nightmare...

If you were out in a public place and a friend says to you, "don't look, but that guy over there is smiling at you", what would you do? You would look wouldn't you? If you told a young child "don't throw your toy", he is going to defiantly throw his toy. It's funny how, we as people, are told to not do certain things and we do them anyways. Or it's the other way around. DO this, and we ignore and don't do at all. I have this pulling towards a file folder on my laptop. In this folder are the unwatched videos of Elijah's small time here on Earth.

I feel this agonizing plead to watch them. I am afraid to. A lot happened during his two hours of life that I didn't know or see since I wasn't there; I was unconscious. I do not know if I am prepared.

Those of you with kids, if someone had gone into the future and video taped your child's death; would you be able to watch it now, here in the present? That's kind of my mentality of this. I still have not come to terms with things, as I tell myself and others I have. It's a very convincing mask I wear every day. I still see May 31st as the date of death, not date on birth. He was born wasn't he? I am not so sure...

Tonight I took a drive to town for a short visit to Wal-Mart. Funny I know. Yet when I feel like my world is coming down around me; chaos is about to unfold, I like to surround myself around something that makes sense. Organization. I walk slowly amongst the aisles of storage bins, closet systems, bookcases, TV stands and what not. For some reason, I feel peace seeing everything in its right place, organized by size and color. If something is out of place, there will always be someone there to put it back where it belongs. Even if its not immediately; eventually. I feel like my life can be put back the same.

I notice this same tendency in my son Paighton. He becomes very upset if he feels the need to put something away and we don't allow him to do that due to circumstances of being late for an appointment or daycare and work. He becomes "unglued". Although he likes to dump his bins of toys out, he sleeps better in a clean room. He likes to pick up his room before going to bed. Everything has to be in its rightful spot. He has a turtle that shines stars on his ceiling. God forbid I move his turtle to the other side of his bookshelf, or point the tail towards the wall instead of his nose.

Very particular little boy. Just like his mommy and daddy.

Still, I want to see Elijah's videos yet don't. I don't want to become "unglued" for seeing something I cant fix or put away. I have my own idea of how he lived out his life. Being held by mine and Andy's family. Hugged and kissed till the end. A smile adorning the faces of all who came to see him.

I don't want these videos to change my own idea; a dream of a happy life. No sadness present.

Aside from thinking about Elijah's videos, I often think about two little babies I was following for awhile. Baby Hank from Maryland and Baby Logan from the UK. Baby Hank was just like Elijah; they both had full Triploidy. Baby Hank's mommy and daddy are a young married couple just like Andy and I. I prayed so hard for them to be able to see there little baby alive and that Baby Hank's mommy wouldn't have the life complicated issues I had had. It worked. I don't know much about Baby Hank's mommy and her health condition, but his daddy emailed me the obituary. Baby Hank lived for two days! While I was happier than that word in itself could explain, I was also a little envious. I was sad for myself for not having that amount of time with my Baby Elijah. I am happy for them; sad for me. A little selfish? Sure. But that is nothing I can, or would if I had the ability to, take away from that family. I would give them YEARS if I had the power to do so. Huh... if I had the power... Angel Babies would not exist.

Then there is Baby Logan.; diagnosed with Trisomy 18. He was born sleeping. He brought a lot of joy to his "mum", as the people in the UK say it. People always tell me they are surprised at how well I have handled all this. Really? Then you should meet Baby Logan's mommy. She is the person I look up to. I admire her strength and courage. I admire her love for her son, Logan. She sees the beauty in everything. I struggle with that; I see something more horrific as if it were out of a sci-fi movie. The pain, the screams, the blood, the tiny little bruised body called my son...

I wish I would have miscarried a lump of cells...

Not invalidating anyone who has miscarried. It's not the same; doesn't make it any more worse or easier. Just, I think for me, it would have been easier. It's what I, personally, would have preferred. If I had that choice.



Tomorrow is a new day. A day of similarity; fighting off the images, sounds, smells, and touches of his death. Tomorrow is just the same day as yesterday and today; rewind and repeat.