Pressing Play

That's the hard part. Just press play. My last post, I talked about how I felt as if I were stuck on replay. I have got to find a way; ambition to move forward. To get unstuck from my rut would be something to wish upon a birthday candle. Blow and poof! Wish granted. Only if that were true, my name would be Samantha. The witch that is. Oddly enough, the wiggle of my nose is what reeled in the attention of my husband. My glasses tend to fall down a lot. They sit half ways down my nose, stubborn to move any direction but down. A wiggle or too usually keeps them from falling all the way off. Tomorrow is going to be a difficult day for us. All week I have been feeling the "difficulties" already. I pre-warned a co-worker to not take anything offensively if I seem anything less than myself tomorrow. She understood, which helps me as well. I hate April Fool's Day. Why in the world am I capitalizing that?! It is not a holiday! Yet for some reason in the English language it is technically considered a proper noun. It is just some stupid day people use as an excuse to be rude to each other and call it a "joke". Just think. That friend you secretly don't like; well now is your chance. Go ahead and slap a dollar bill into his hand, but first dunk it in some chocolate pudding. Very funny. Thanks, now excuse me while I go wash my hands and buy a new shirt. April 1st is a day I will never forget as the day my world died around me. We were told our beautiful baby will die. Die? It's a joke right? By the way, I watched the videos. Every single one of them... Andrew had to go into work that night. As Paighton slept soundly in his cozy little room with his fan blowing rhythmic hums into the air, I laid in the tub with a glass of Parrot Bay rum and ice. Disgusting crap. I dumped it down the drain; I couldn't stomach it. I knew the videos were going to have a big effect on me; and I really needed my husband at the moment. I called a few people but failed to reach anyone expect for one, by text. By then I had calmed down a bit. Watching the videos is nothing compared to what actually happened though. Although it was nice to see the things that took place while I was gone fighting for my own life. I enjoyed seeing my family holding my baby and saying sweet things to him. I enjoyed listening to my friend telling him who to watch for once he arrived in Heaven. My heart skipped a beat and sank at the same time seeing my husband in distress over me; saying he misses me and has to go check on me. He was willing to give up time with his dying son to be with me. I never doubted he loves me, but, wow. There really are no words to how that made me feel. So tomorrow, both my husband and I are getting off work early to do something special together. Not sure what yet, but lunch of course. I am trying to figure out what Elijah's short life was meant for. He has a purpose for me and I want to make sure it is carried out until the day I die myself. I just don't know yet. I really hope tomorrow, with Andrew and I being able to be alone together, it will just come to us. God, I pray that you help us understand Elijah's purpose. I refuse to believe you give babies to loving parents and take them away so soon as if it were a joke. There is a reason. Right?