We took a little trip out on the paddle boat. Don't mind the dumb look on my face of "uhhh". The sun was very bright!! I like this picture because the sun rays glowing on us reminds me of our little guy in Heaven, making sure our paddle boat date was just perfect! However... the humor side if me... when I see this, I hear some kind of Beavis and Butt-Head noise coming from my mouth. I just can't take nice pictures. I'm such a weirdo!
During our time spent there, we had a lot of time to reflect on and think of our son Elijah. More time than we have ever had for a long time. It was nice for a change, however I keep having a lingering feeling I haven't had before; or that I haven't paid attention to at least. It wasn't until tonight that I could put my finger on it.
This feeling is hard to describe, but I will do my best. Let's back up a bit, to 2 years ago when Elijah was first diagnosed, born, died, and celebrated his 1st birthday without him. I was a train wreck, without the tracks; as if I would plow through anything and anyone without a warning. I cried all the time. I screamed all the time.
Now come back to present day. I am OK. That is a strange feeling... I am OK.
Being at Faith's Lodge and meeting other parents who have lost their babies all too soon and in such tragic ways (as if there is an un-tragic way to lose a baby?? - not!) it brought me back to how I used to feel. I compared it to how I feel now and its not the same. Their hurt is very new, fresh cut in their hearts. Mine has a 2 year old scab on it.
Am I a bad mommy for not crying over Elijah any more?
I do once in awhile. Usually it takes a lot, like someone else's sad story. Or if I hear my husband repeat the events aloud. Just hearing if from him hurts the most.
I just cant shake this feeling; yet the flip side is I also feel like I am still in limbo. Like I am just waiting for someone to knock on my front door and hand me a 2-year old. Our life has not really continued, more so just stayed the same. But I am OK? I am so confused, none of this is making any sense to me.
Also, while we were at Faith's Lodge, I received an email from a mother, pregnant with a little baby girl named Lucy Rose. She is 32 weeks along, and was diagnosed with Triploidy at 17 weeks. I really hate Triploidy. I wish we could have been assigned a different card...one with actual hope for life. Triploidy just sucks in all forms...I wish there was hope. But when it turned my world upside down, and then had the nerve to threaten my own life, I made it my enemy.
I hate being a bringer of bad news when someone has already received it and reaches out to me for hope. I have no hope to offer... I have a lot of support in any decisions they make for themselves and babies... but those first few emails back and forth...are tough.
Triploidy sucks...
Please pray for Lucy Rose and her mommy, Jeanene and the rest of her family. Funny thing too...she has a 3-year old brother, living...named Elijah...
On a lighter note, I received a thank you card in the mail today from New Beginnings - the organization where we donate Elijah's birthday presents too. It was nice to see that we are doing something to honor his birth each year. Even if it is small and simple. We didn't receive a card last year, so it was a very nice surprise to get one this year.
So... looking forward onto this week, Saturday will be mine and Andy's 5-year anniversary. I think this time we are going to celebrate it with Paighton. Usually we get a sitter and spend some alone time, but Paighton is just as much part of this marriage as we two are together. We are a family. So, I think we are going to head up to Duluth and take him to see a real-sized Thomas the Train and go for a train ride. I am so excited!! I have never been on a train ride (expect for the light rail in the cities - but that's not the same). So what better way for a first time, than with a little guy who is very much obsessed with trains?!
In saying good night now, I send hugs and prayers of comfort for our new friends at Faith's Lodge:
Kelly and Dennis - Jordyn
Jenny and Adam - Cooper
Mary and Ryan - Mac
Melanie and Sunny - Eliana
Charlotte and Dan - Landen
Deanna and Paul - Devon
May you always feel the warm embrace from your sweet babies when you most need it, and learn how to share your babies lives with the world around you so that we all may become better people because of them. God bless you always - thank you for sharing with me and Andy - you are all forever in our hearts.
Thank you Melanie and Sunny for writing our son's name on the beach. Just knowing he was in your mind for a moment, means that he was real and his life matters. Thank you for acknowledging him. Not very many people in my life do that. Maybe they are afraid of reminding me , or making me sad... I don't know. Just... THANK YOU!
Good night my sweet baby boy - Elijah - Mommy's little prince charming. May you come rescue me in my dreams tonight.
Love tenderly,
Mommy
