Angel vs. Demon

I often wonder if other people personify their own conscience; create their own idea of a character or characters. Does your conscience have a different personality then the one you own and portray on the outside to other people?

Think of it this way. You watch a commercial, or movie perhaps, and there is a woman standing in front of a chocolate cake. There sits atop on her left shoulder a mini version of herself, conservatively dressed in all white and adorned with a halo. On her right shoulder sits another mini self-version scantily dressed in all red and sporting a pitchfork and horns. This scene is all too familiar, and often funny given the right circumstances. Chocolate cake = funny; stealing = not funny. This is personification; the woman has given both sides of conscience a personality and created a complete character separate from herself. This is how I have become lately.

I have always been able to be rational, realistic, positive, and considerate of those possibly effected when making my own decisions about things, both short and long term. Lately seems as if I have lost my control over my thoughts, but not my final decisions.

Everyday is a constant struggle for me. Every minute of the day I have to re-make the same decisions. One side of me wants to stay in bed all day, not eat or bathe, not talk to anyone. I want to become a hermit; a cranky hermit and scare away all those who come knocking at my door. I don't want to go out in the world and see then sun. I want to be selfish and not take care of anyone, not even myself. That is my demon, coaxing me over and over, whispering in my ear of how easy it would be.

My angel is on my other side, gently whispering in the other ear to not listen. Telling me to get out of bed and go outside, even if it is just to get the mail. My angel gives me encouragement to live. She tells me as hard as it may be, it will only get harder if I choose not to. In this case, I always side with my angel and live on.

Other times where I fall victim to my demon is when I forget to filter my thoughts. Its good to let some things out, but I easily forget who might be reading, or listening, or even who I am directly saying my thoughts too. I forget that my emotions may effect others, and not always in a good way. My emotions are what they are, at the moment in time. In no way is it a reflection of who I truly am, or my final opinion about a particular topic. I may feel one way about something and then completely change my mind five minutes later and feel another way. I don't know how to control my emotions, and I certainly don't know how to trust them. They are deceiving and tempting; all too easy to follow.

When I follow one emotion, I become distracted by another and begin to follow that instead. I am happy one moment, but if I hear something or see something, I become sad. As fast as a flick of a light switch, I become sad and cannot get out of it unless I cry. After I am done crying, I become angry and hateful. I write things or say things with that hate in my heart and in my mind because I cannot get rid of it unless I get it out. I do not know any other way at this point in time.

My life seems all so confusing. It doesn't make sense. My mind, my heart, even my physical body feels like I should have a baby here in my arms. I should be changing diapers, and getting no sleep because of late night feedings. Instead I am getting no sleep because I hear the cries of a hungry and wet baby and wake to only find no baby. I feel like my van is empty, driving down the road with my toddler, I look back and hone in on the empty seat where an infant carrier would be strapped in. I think of my son reaching over to our newest family member, holding his hand and giving him toys to play with. I think of my son being all too worried about the baby's cries as I hurry to our destination only to get him out of the seat's constraints and cuddle him.

My demon tells me to be angry; angry at the world for all of its injustices. To be angry at God for allowing this to happen. My angel tells me I will get to see my baby again, and I cannot live on angry at anyone because it is no ones fault. I have to pick a side every time this thought pops into my mind. It is so hard to be forgiving, it is so much easier to be angry and hateful. I find myself in more pain though when I start feeling hate.

It is odd though how I can become so hateful of things completely irrelevant to me or my family. I hear of a sad story in the news, start eavesdropping on a stranger's cell phone conversation, or disagree with a woman's parenting standing behind me in the grocery store. I become so upset about the gasping story I want to rant and rave, and even turn around and smack the woman. Anything that I see or hear of effecting children, those I know personally or not, I want to become so involved. My mind gets lost and my heart floods with that feeling of "I just HAVE to do something". I cant seem to find an outlet.

Maybe I am dealing with things just fine, maybe not. Maybe there is no right or wrong way to deal with the loss of a child, only your own way. Everything seems to come customized these days, why not coping. I have my way, you have yours. I am just really feeling the exhausting energy it takes to constantly choose what is right for me at that very moment because it may happen again later in the day but the choice may need to change. I feel like I am stuck, permanently, taking a final exam for my physics or calculus class. Once you think you have the answer, another variable pops into the equation.

Why cant I argue with my split-personality of a conscience over a caramel soy latte instead?

Tomorrow I am keeping my toddler home from daycare. He always shows me the bright side of life and reminds me to become more like him; worry about what to eat every five minutes and attempt to run around naked. Ah, the freedom of the open air...