I pulled myself up and just faced it, life goes on. My son cannot take care of himself. I got him ready for the day and left to bring him to daycare. Afterwards, I went back home to relax before going into town again.
For anyone that knows my Grandma, if you want her to come to your house at 11am, you do not say "Be here at 11am". You should say "Be here at noon" and she will show up at 11am. My Grandma was supposed to come meet me at my house at 11:30am, she showed up at 10:30am. My house is a mess (again, if you knew her, you know exactly what she had to say... and do...). I talked her out of cleaning and just leaving for town. We were going shopping to pick out materials for her an my aunt to make a baby blanket for my baby.
We met up with my mom first for lunch, then went shopping at Joann's Fabrics. I found a beautiful think satin for the back and the front border, and a soft White cotton with a faded star design that kissed the fabric like freckles. Around the border, my aunt will embroider this prayer: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. The Angels watch me through the night, and keep me in their blessed sight. Amen". My son Paighton has a Precious Moments doll with his hands held together in prayer form, and if you squeeze him, that's what he will pray with you. I love it. I got the girl doll for my God-Daughter Paige as well. In the middle of the blanket, on the white star-designed fabric there will be a picture of an angel. Arching over the top will be our baby's name: Elijah Andrew. Arching underneath the angel will be "Angel of Innocence". In the bible, Elijah is one of God's angels appointed to look after newborns and those who die at an early age. It is also believed that Elijah created the Tree of Life. I thought of the name in my sleep a few nights ago. I woke up and turned to my husband and said "What about Elijah?" He mumbled under his sleepy breath and sound "Sounds nice..." and drifted off. The next morning, I looked up the name, and say its meaning. It was too perfect! Then also, under the angel and name/meaning, there will be a quote i found that seemed to catch my eye throughout all this research I have been doing since we found out. The quote says "Our Angel baby born unto Heaven. Forever loved. Never forgotten".
I say this day was bittersweet because, although i got to spend time with my mom and Grandma, we shared the exciting task of creating a blanket for my baby, all the while I knew I will never get to wrap my baby up in it. I will never need to wash it, or demand my child to stop sleeping with it at age 15. My Grandma showed the cashier lady my sketch and said "See what she is making?". The cashier looked at me and congratulated me and said that this is a fun and exciting time for me. Little does she know... and I wasn't about to explain it either. I just smiled and said thanks; and walked out.
Again, if you knew my Grandma, she has the best intentions. I love her with all my heart, but I think that maybe she has been around death a little too much, and has been comfortable with it. She has had 5 miscarriages in her lifetime, and works at her local church serving banquets after funeral services. I don't think I ever say that woman shed a tear. Just about a month ago, my uncle had passed away. She kept pestering me if i had gone up to his casket to see him. I kept saying no, because i wasn't ready. I don't deal with death very well at all. I was feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for being so detached from my extended family, and not taking all the opportunities to spend time with my uncle; I was embarrassed. None the less, I started to inch closer and closer, making my way as I talked and mingled with family; then Grandma came and pulled my by the arm to go say 'hi'. As I pierred into the casket, looking at how calm he seemed, all I could think of was my dad, and my cousin's kids losing their grandpa. I started to cry, and i think i heard a couple sniffles come out of my Grandma. I was shocked, and to be honest, afraid to look at her. In all my 25 years alive, I never saw a single tear shed from her face; of that I could remember anyways. I ran out the door to catch some cold air a returned to be with family.
Another reason why today was bittersweet was the genetics specialist called me twice while we were shopping. I ignored the phone call; one out of respect for my mom and Grandma, and two I was afraid to answer because I knew what she was calling for. She wants to know what our answer is and get things signed off on. I am not sure if I am ready yet....
How can I kill my baby? He is still alive! He moves, punched, kicks, and even interacts with me. He will float towards the warms of my hand, and kick back when I poke him. Most women with triploidy babies have said they never ever felt their babies move. One reported she felt two complete somersaults on Mother's Day. I feel my baby ALL the time.
I kind of lost hope; hope has become an known enemy. When this all first started a week ago, I emailed and called so many parents, organizations, and experts to find answers, to find HOPE. I found nothing. Now today, after I got home from shopping and getting my son from daycare, I receive this message in my email from a mother's own triploidy experience:
They placed him in my arms and his eyes were big and wide and stared directly into mine. He lived for 11 minutes and we were able to capture every minute of our time with him on video tape. I experienced the joy of placing my cheek against his warm cheek and held his sweet fingers. It was peaceful and there was an unexplainable calming in the room, as if we were in the midst of holy ground. We celebrated as Aaron baptized him. We hugged him, we kissed him, and we completely and unconditionally loved him. We were given the gift to see Austin through the eyes of his sisters as they held him, kissed him and inspected his every inch. All of these things I would have missed had we chosen a different path. I cannot explain the gratitude and pride I was overcome with at the birth of my first son. The only way to explain his birth is bittersweet. Was it what I wanted? No… Was it more than I ever imagined? Yes.
So I am left asking myself yet again "What now? Am I really at this same crossroads still? I feel like I haven't moved an inch. I feel like i have done so much work, exhausted myself beyond the point I cant even think straight. I haven't showered for a week. I am barely eating, my house is a mess because i have no energy to clean, and I am giving in to all my son's demands for cookies!
If i carry this baby full term, I could possibly die with him. My son and husband would be left without a mommy and a wife. My son won't remember me when he is older. Thinking that makes my heart crumble; what's left of my heart anyways.
I know that no matter what my husband and I decide to do, we have sought out counsel from a Pastor and received his holy blessing. It helps to know that even though we don't always understand God's intentions, or hidden meanings; I know that God will take my child into Heaven to be with him.
I'd like to say, that God is preparing me for something important. Something that may effect the life of another and cause a giant chain reaction of good; possibly saving a life, or more. I only hope I recognize it when it comes....
