The fight of life.

I just woke up from a little nap. I woke up to the kicks and punches and somersaults of my sweet baby Elijah. He is just as active and hyper as my son Paighton was when I was pregnant with him.

This is a dream, a nightmare actually. I wish I had some ruby red slippers to click my heels together and wish me home. I wish I could wake up. The wicked witch is about to steal my son away from me. Only thing is, I am the wicked witch.

I cant help but to still feel I am making a horribly wrong decision in my book of life. I cannot erase what is already written; this has not been written yet, just sitting on a rough draft. I can change it if I want to. I can so "NO!" if I want to. I can just not go to Abbott tomorrow; call them and tell them never mind. I just feel that so many people helped me make my decision and i cannot turn back now.

I think I would maybe feel better about going on instead of terminating if I had more support; family, friends and medical. Especially the medical support! I look down the path of life, and no one is standing on the side lines to cheer me on; it is empty, dark, and scary. The path of death on the other hand has a ton of people, sad but supportive. Everyone seems to sympathize, but they always say "it is what's best for your family". Well I want to know, what's best for me? What's best for my baby Elijah? I cant seem all that selfish asking that can I?

This is still MY body. No one owns it, not even my husband or son. Yet what I do with my body effects the people in my life. Even if I was a drugged out stripper that ran away to California of something, that would effect not just my husband and son, but my parents, siblings, my husband's parents and siblings, and the list goes on...

I do not want to be selfish. I want to think of others, especially baby Elijah. That is why I am SO confused. No one seems to want baby Elijah alive except me. I feel like I am the only one fighting for him. It is hard fighting alone.

How am I suppose to tell my husband that I do not want to do this? That I want to fight until I cannot possibly fight anymore?

I just feel that Elijah's increased activity in my belly is him trying to tell me, he loves me, and wants to see me. And I want to see him too. I want to fight for his life, and so does he, I think. Why cant anyone else see it the way I do? I feel his love, all the time... I do not want to lose his love...

I love you Baby Elijah...