God's world

This past weekend was very busy. It was filled with laughter, tears, found appreciation, and marvel.

Some really good girlfriends of mine took me out on a Girls' Night downtown Minneapolis and the Comedy Club at Mall of America. It was so nice to hang out with them. They are some of the silliest people I know. When I am with them, I feel as if we do not have to act our age. We can giggle and make faces, and sounds you would normally hear come from a man. There are no social boundaries with us; no table manners allowed!

I also got to spend some time up on the North Shore, about 80 miles north of Duluth, with my husband and friends from Sustaining Grace. I thought I would be tired all day, but somehow I found unused energy from the night before. I wasn't even tired when we went to bed, I felt as if I could have gone on longer yet.

We hiked Temperance River. One word: wow. The water level was low and I could see where the water had once been carving its path into the rock. Up at the top, the water was calm and still. It was cool and refreshing to the touch. Down further the river became more violent, spilling into a 'kettle' like opening. It is strange to look at something so beautiful, so breathtaking, but all the while knowing it can take your life in a heartbeat. Sends chills down my spine. Down past the 'kettle' the water came to a slow, creating a pool where thrill-seeking visitors jumped from the cliff into the dark waters.

We also experienced the Alpine Slide. As my husband and I were on our first trip up the ski lift, we both felt feelings of anxiousness and nausea. I tried my best to enjoy the view but all I could focus on was the sounds of the cable as the chair slowly creaked its way to the top. I thought about my sons, both of them. I thought that one little wrong oops and I would be gone; plummeting to the Earth's slopped surface. Our second trip up, I finally realized that if the chair for some reason did break and fall, I wouldn't die. I would just get hurt, really bad. That helped calm me. I was able to look around more. I could see the Superior's glistening waters. The horizon seemed to have gone on forever. Everything was so gorgeous.

My husband, sadly, decided to prove his manhood to a friend and ignored that his sled had a brake system. Needless to say, he wiped out. Going down a 25,000 foot decline on the side of mountain sized hill, he crashed. I felt so bad for him. It only strengthened my worries about him being an accident waiting to happen. I already had bad feelings about him as I watched him lean over the cliff at Temperance River to see it's violent waters rushing underneath him. My husband is the King of Clumsy. He broke his toe doing laundry! How? It is beyond me. I love him dearly, but he makes me nervous in anything he does.

Later that evening, our friends and us sat out on the beach. It was dark. The moon lit up the water and made the wet rocks close to the shoreline shine. The water crashed up against the rocky beach; my ears were filled with God's music. Out of the four of us, no one seemed to be able to skip a rock. The guys got a couple, but not many. As I sat there, I looked up at the sky. I have always felt very tiny when I did that as a little girl, camping with my father. But this time, I felt really small. Thinking of my son Elijah somewhere up there in Heaven, just hoping he is looking down at me at that same moment, made me feel that infamous lump in my throat again. I didn't want to cry during such a perfect moment. My eyes swelled, but the air's wind helped to dry them. As the guys continued to dig for the perfect skipping rock, I took notice to the rocks around me. I realized that the rocks are just like snowflakes; not one is alike from another. They are all very unique and made specially by God. It is amazing how nature is effected by its own surroundings, and all things are made with the help of each other. Just like humans.

My son Elijah is unique. He may be similar to others, but not exactly alike. God created him specially for me and my husband. He had, and still does have, a plan for Elijah's life. It is not over.

Sunday morning, God blessed me with the company of a hummingbird as we ate breakfast. I have never seen a hummingbird longer than a second. I watched in awe as the little guy floated from flower to flower of a few hanging baskets.

After breakfast, we enjoyed an awesome swim at Gooseberry Falls. The water is low which allowed us to walk across it. I sat right underneath the waterfall. I have never done anything like that before. The water was really cold, but the more I swam at the end of the waterfall, where the water pooled together, I got used to it. I didn't want to leave.

I was so excited to see my son Paighton when we finally got to my in-laws. He screamed "mama" with such intensity. I thought my heart was going to explode. I kissed him with the same amount of intensity back, I wanted to smother him. I just couldn't get enough of him, he felt so good in my arms.

When the three of us went home, I held my son Paighton and we said hello and goodnight to Baby Elijah. I pointed out the urn to him. The urn is a cherry wood box with a square holding a picture of Elijah wrapped up in a fuzzy white blanket and adorned with a blue knitted hat. Paighton pointed to it and said "Baby nigh nigh". That is how he pronounces "night night". It was so cute. He recognized and understood that Elijah was "sleeping". When he is older, we will tell and explain Elijah's story so that he can know and love his little brother as much as we do. I m under of at what age, but I am sure God will let me know when the right time is.

I am so amazed by how beautiful things are, what God has to offer us. Not only in the Earth around us, but also by the people. He has put such beautiful people in our lives to create for us and allow us to create for ourselves.

Independence

This year's Fourth of July celebration was my son's second, yet first in seeing fireworks. I was anxious to see how he would react, and to see the look on his face when the first burst of color flickers in the night sky. I wanted to see in his eyes the reflection of the starburst.

To my surprise, he was afraid of them. I thought he would enjoy it. At first, he smiled and laughed, but it was more of a nervous laugh. His body started to tremble and then I saw tears. We left to go home. He got to see a few of them and that is all that my husband and I wanted; a sneak peek. When we got to our vehicle and I took him out of his stroller, we just stood there for a few more minutes thinking he would now be more calm. He was a little, but then a big one went off. He lunged for the door handle. It was so cute. I feel bad for laughing at his expense of feeling frightened, but I couldn't help myself. He was just so darn cute; endearing.

With this holiday passing, I begin to think of how it could have been different had my other son been with us. Elijah would be 5 weeks old now.

The other day the three of us went to McDonald's. I am not particularly fond of McDonald's, but I have not been grocery shopping for awhile due to taking care of my grandmother in the ICU. It was something easy and quick; besides Paighton seemed to enjoy the new experience. We sat in a booth with a highchair at the end of the table. Paighton didn't want to sit in it so he just sat on his knees next to his Daddy. My husband later told me that while we sat there and ate, he imagined our son Elijah sitting there with us in the empty highchair. I tried to make light of the situation and joked that a 5-week old wouldn't be able to sit. He cracked a smile, but still... I knew what he meant and where he was coming from. I often imagine our son being physically present with us too.

I felt useless at that moment, knowing no matter what I said to my husband it wouldn't make things "better". The kind of better we both want, our son to be here with us and not in Heaven.

I think my husband is a stronger person than I am. Either that or more introverted with is emotions than I am. However, he is the most emotionally-open man I know. I am glad to be with him because I don't know how I would survive with the "typical male". Andrew is by no means "typical". I am thankful for that.

In observance of the holiday and thinking of what independence means for me and my family, I think of the soldiers who have fought and lost their lives or returned home for us. They have accomplished many great things. I compare; just as they have fought for us, I fought for my son. Only difference is I did not win. I did not accomplish what I meant to accomplish. I wonder, will I ever accomplish anything worthwhile for Elijah? Not for me, or anyone else, but him. Only him. I will spend the rest of my life trying and continuing to accomplish for him.

The rest of this month, or longer I will spend a lot of my time and energy on my grandmother. I fear for her health and her life. She has been in the ICU now for nine days. I know she is a strong woman, but learning from Elijah, I also know God decides all.

People keep telling me that God never gives a person more than they can handle. I would like to say this to God... "Ok I get it, I am flattered. I can handle a lot, a crap load. You may stop at any time now, I have had enough".