Back to work

This is my last weekend before I have to return to work. I got a little taste of what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mother. Although I enjoyed it very much, it opened my eyes and reminded me of exactly the things I don't want.

There were days I found myself feeling slumped. Usually those were days I still brought my son to daycare. He went because I wanted him to keep somewhat of a normal schedule, yet I didn't bring him everyday. When he isn't with me, I have nothing to do. I become bored, then sad.

When Paighton is with me, we are busy little bees. We have so much fun together. I love taking him out in public; he is so funny to watch. He with blurt out across an aisle at a store to say "hello" to strangers and if you don't acknowledge him, he will continue as he gets louder and louder with each attempt. It's darling. He also does it when we leave, yelling "bye" and waving frantically.

Yesterday I took him to a local splash pad and the county fair. He would hesitantly hold out his hand to touch a stream of watering drizzling out of the side of a giant sprinkler. he would say "cold?" as he looked towards me for approval. I agree. He then turns and runs wildly through it. I love how he is always looking for my approval. Makes me feel like I am doing something right as a mother. He values what I think. I hope he carries forever the same values my husband and I share, especially when it comes to the big important things in life.

At the county fair, I paid $5 for a miniature pony ride for him. He went around the circle once while I walked along side him holding his waist. Then began the tear factory. He lunged towards me and I couldn't keep him up on the pony anymore. The pony began to veer away from me. I just yanked him off and walked out of the carousel area. So much for my $5, but it was worth him having that experience. Hands on experience is more educational than any book or classroom or video. He knew what a duck was when he saw it, and when we were by the pigs he gave his best effort to snort through his nose. He also pointed at the pig and said "nigh nigh". That means "night night"; he sleeps with a plush pig in his crib at night. He got the pig from my girlfriend Rachel for his birthday last year. She was concerned he wouldn't like it because it didn't light up; he LOVES it. He squeezes its tummy and leans his head from side to side as it signs to him about shapes and colors. When we got to the cows, he squatted down and cautiously stuck his hand through the fence to grab the calf's attention. I was squatting with him, but a little back behind him to give him some freedom. He looked back to see if I was still there and swatted his hand towards me and said "go". I laughed so hard. He thinks he is so grown up.

The things I don't want if I were a stay-at-home mom is my son being to dependent on me and not wanting any help from his daddy. The past couple of weeks he doesn't want daddy to get him in or out of the car seat, give him his bath or put him down to bed. Those things my husband always did while I was pregnant with Elijah because I was trying to lessen my activities of heavy lifting. I was always involved in some way, but daddy was the main guy. I wonder if Paighton is trying to compensate for lost time? I can see the sadness and disappointment in my husband. He makes comments like "he doesn't like me" or "he doesn't need me anymore". Other than disagreeing with my husband, I am unsure of other ways to help him see that it is untrue. Paighton just may be going through a phase right now.

That will all change once I go back to work and he is back in daycare full-time again. He will continue going through "phases" all the way up to adulthood. Its just hard to understand and get used to.

I am very excited to get back to work and see good friends I have made over the years. A smile is contagious and I know there are about 400 or more smiles a day at work. That's a lot of smiles! I am also nervous, but that is only natural. I hope I can remember all of the procedures. So much constantly changes within the company everyday, and being gone for so long I may have to start all over. I am exaggerating a little, okay maybe a lot. I have confidence in myself to pick it up easily. Just knowing that I will have lingering thoughts, feelings, events and experiences in the back of my mind, not sure what type of person I am anymore.

I hope I am the same person but only debuting changed qualities that boost my personality for the better; not worse. I want friends, not enemies.

These past ten weeks have been a trial of learning to live a new life. Not necessarily a better life, just different. I have been forced to confront some grudges of people that hurt me in the past and let go. I have been taught how to love differently; more appreciative. My teacher? God.

I have also had more time to ask myself where do I want to be led now? Which direction? Which ever way I choose, there are sacrifices to be had. I want to return to school and finish what I started; double major in Accounting and Finance. The sacrifice would be my family and missing out on my son growing up and changing everyday. I am afraid I will come home when day and not know who he is. The other sacrifice would be no babies until I graduate. Regardless, we have to wait an entire year before trying for another baby. If we don't, I am yet again risking my own life and the life of our unborn child. When I ponder on the facts, I get down. I feel depressed and upset with my situation and having lost my son's life so soon. Then I think, its just a year. It could be worse; the doctors could have performed a hysterectomy instead of an embollization. I still have my uterus. I could be without, but I am not. God blessed me with the ability to try again. My biggest fear about trying a year from now (if we even decide to) is going through all of this again. I had a close call for my life, what if next time I am not so lucky? What if I lose yet another baby?

Again, my mind, the "what-ifs" is my worst enemy.

Hopefully work will numb the chaos in my mind and open new doors for me to grow as a person.

Three years and counting.

Today marks the day. My husband and I have been married for three years. Now that may not be very long, however, it feels longer than just three years. Possibly because we have known each other long before and moved in to share an apartment during our college years.

I credit our dating and living together before marriage to our happy marriage. I strongly believe that. Most people who get married then move in together have never had to share personal space with anyone except parents and siblings; maybe the occasional roommate not intended for marriage. Your personal space is yours. Your tube of toothpaste. Your closet. Your television shows. Now throw in marriage and you and your partner have to learn to share. You learn each others quirks, whether endearing or just pure annoying.

My husband and I learned that, yes, we can live together forever, before we got married. I hear all the time of failed relationships and marriages. I promised myself I would never fall to that statistic. I come from a family of divorce, why would I want to relive my childhood nightmare and subject someone I love to it as well? The first year of a marriage, I believe, is the toughest. We did all of our fighting the first year and a half, enough to last us a lifetime.

The fighting wasn't necessarily fighting. It was more like bickering. I squeeze my tube of toothpaste from the middle, but I always even it out when I am finished. I also close the cap all the way to unsure I don't have a messy end. There is nothing more disgusting than seeing a toothpaste tube with dried up leftover toothpaste stuck to the cap. Now my husband's tube on the other hand is a different story. Complete opposite from mine. He attacks his tube. I smile now, but when we were 20 years of age I couldn't get over it for the life of me. I couldn't change his behavior and he couldn't change mine either. Solution: separate tubes of toothpaste. Solved! We haven't been happier since. I know it sounds silly, but all people would be able to find something in their own life that irritates them to insanity, and be able to laugh at it.

Being we have lived together for so long, and I really cannot find anything in our marriage that needs improvement or change other than we just need more babies, I feel like we are an old married couple. There is nothing left to fight about, to bicker about, or learn about. We know everything about each other. The mystery is gone. We know how to get along, and say sorry if need be. We have gone through everything a couple could together; dating, college, career changes, marriage, children, new house with giant mortgage attached, death of a child. What else is there to do?

We really had hoped to be able to go to Duluth for our anniversary. I love kayaking and he has never gone. He has also fell in love with the North Shore just recently and wants to go camping every weekend. Unfortunately reality is always there keeping us grounded; bills. It is so hurtful when you see medical bills come through the mail for your son that is no longer living. I expected more financial responsibilities when we got pregnant with Elijah, but we also expected to take him home and watch him grow into a beautiful boy and then a man. All of the money we had been saving for daycare and diapers is all gone from many specialty doctor appointments then our week long hospitalization when Elijah was born. It also went towards gas and food expenses since we had to drive to Minneapolis and Maple Grove for everything. I just feel so stressed out about money. I called Abbott's billing department to see if I could get on a payment plan for mine and Elijah's bill. What does she send me in the mail? Some stupid application for a line of credit with an 8% APR. Thanks a lot lady. I called to ask for help, not a way to spend more money! That is not fair. I wasn't looking for a handout, just a little more time.

So I am unsure of what today will be like. Probably like any other day, just a Wednesday. It's such a bummer that my husband has to work today. It would be nice to do nothing together. We both have a lot to do of our own, but to be able to do nothing, together, would be ideal.

I love my husband dearly. I guess what I am sad about is that we do not get as much time together as I want. If I had it my way, we both would work from home and make our own hours. I just really miss him... A lot... I also miss Elijah. I cried myself to sleep last night. I thought about how today could have been so much better with the four of us. My entire family together.

I wish Elijah could see and know his daddy and why I love him so much...