I seem to be having a better grasp on the control of my panic attacks with the use of my rescue meds. I call them rescue meds because that's what it pretty much does; rescues me. Only downside is it completely fuzzes my mind over to where I become "zombie-like"; I become very tired.
I believe this because the past few days have been a true trial to test my abilities; especially yesterday.
Since I heard the news of my cousin passing last Wednesday, I have had a whirlwind of emotions attaching to new thoughts. New thoughts for a new tragedy in my life. It may seem on the surface that I am having a hard time dealing with his death; in a small way I am. It's not about me though. It's about my cousin's parents and his sister and brother he had left behind; about his nephews and niece too. My heart aches the most for them.
Yesterday family gathered to help put together the photo collages for the funeral the next day. Although it was nice seeing just how many photos my cousin blessed us with, it was very bittersweet. If I can learn anything about strength in the loss of my own son, it's from my cousin's immediate family. I admire the strength my aunt has especially. She always has been a strong woman, this I know, but I haven't been able to see it in it's truest form until now. I understand life can go on.
Only some days I still get those feelings where I just don't care...
In time. Time heals right? This is something I am supposed to be working on for myself'; the control of my emotions and flashbacks of losing Elijah. It seems to be a very slow process. I do not like slow. I rather it be an overnight thing. Wake up and be "cured" from what feels like a disease slowing eating away at my happiness and self will.
Losing Elijah has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I miss his touch and the sound of his coos. I am afraid of forgetting those things. I am afraid of forgetting him. Maybe this is the reason I am having a hard time moving on? If I move on, I cannot take him with me; or at least it feels that way.
To my dear cousin, my friend and brother in Christ, you have always been amazingly wonderful with small children. I ask you, with the help of my friend Danica as well, please stay with my Elijah. Please teach him about me so that when he is reunited with his mommy, he may already know me.
Until then, rest in peace. In my heart you stay forever...
Monday, February 7, 2011
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Maktub
"Maktub"; an Arabic word meaning "it is written".
This one simple, yet powerful, word resonates throughout the book The Alchemist; a novel by Paulo Coehlo.
I have read this book in the past and have started to read it again to help me get back up on my feet.
I have been knocked back down pretty hard today. I thought I made a huge step forward; only to come home to more bad news.
I went to a funeral today. My first since my own son's Elijah's. I purposely chose not to attend wakes or funerals of family and friends; but was compelled at first notice to go to this one; a man I have only seen once briefly over three years ago. It was a small and quick introduction to a large group of people; which I had sat amongst.
I didn't even think twice when I had heard what happened. I jumped in my car and drove as if I were fleeting somewhere. It didn't even hit me until I was about a mile away from the church; oh my gosh... this is the first funeral since... Elijah's.
I broke down. Called a friend. Regained my composure and walked in. I immediately felt the warmth and love surrounding people in the room. I gazed upon the many photos of this man and saw the happiness in his eyes as he sat near his wife while holding his daughter. The tears began to flood again.
As I stood in line waiting to pay my respects (in all honesty, I wanted to budge up to the front and just wrap my arms around her as to touch my heart to hers), my eyes froze upon him. Now Elijah was not an open casket. Nor any casket if that. He was cremated; probably for the best. I began thinking about the book The Alchemist and "maktub". By the way, this man's wife is the person who handed me this book over three years ago. I thought of how "it is written"; our lives are already planned out for us yet we have a part in realizing our own personal legend and play a part in writing our own destiny.
All things happen for a reason right? So what is his reason? Same question I am still trying to understand for my son. And now tonight... another dear loved family member. Why? Why must we be placed here on Earth only to leave behind sadness?
Nothing anyone could have done or known could have changed what has already happened or is about to happen. Maktub.
Yet I am left dumbfounded by the shock and confusion and emotions I feel for two people: someone I hardly know and someone I used to know but grew apart; all in one day. Yes, I lost Elijah and I am extremely distraught over it everyday. Yes, I only had about 20 minutes with him, but I never grew a bond with him only a husband and wife can have. Or a bond only parents have with their adult children. He was a baby but only accomplished little things such as sucking his thumb. That little thing is huge to me, but it's not as huge as creating memories. Memories of happiness and even more so moments of pure annoyance. It's the little things that annoys a person that ends up missing the most when it's gone; leaving the cap off on the toothpaste tube or spraying too much PAM on a frying pan.
Maktub. We never know when our chapter in Earth's book will be written and finished. A new chapter will be started to tell the great journey of a young man in search for his own treasure; his personal legend.
As I follow my journey of healing in the loss of those I love and those I do not know; I only hope that I really do come out a stronger person as everyone keeps saying I will. I hope I find my opportunity to heal the hurt and cure the sick and love the unloved.
To the man's wife, I am so deeply sorry.
To my friend, I wish you knew just how much you truly are loved and how much we needed you here with us.
"Maktub"
This one simple, yet powerful, word resonates throughout the book The Alchemist; a novel by Paulo Coehlo.
I have read this book in the past and have started to read it again to help me get back up on my feet.
I have been knocked back down pretty hard today. I thought I made a huge step forward; only to come home to more bad news.
I went to a funeral today. My first since my own son's Elijah's. I purposely chose not to attend wakes or funerals of family and friends; but was compelled at first notice to go to this one; a man I have only seen once briefly over three years ago. It was a small and quick introduction to a large group of people; which I had sat amongst.
I didn't even think twice when I had heard what happened. I jumped in my car and drove as if I were fleeting somewhere. It didn't even hit me until I was about a mile away from the church; oh my gosh... this is the first funeral since... Elijah's.
I broke down. Called a friend. Regained my composure and walked in. I immediately felt the warmth and love surrounding people in the room. I gazed upon the many photos of this man and saw the happiness in his eyes as he sat near his wife while holding his daughter. The tears began to flood again.
As I stood in line waiting to pay my respects (in all honesty, I wanted to budge up to the front and just wrap my arms around her as to touch my heart to hers), my eyes froze upon him. Now Elijah was not an open casket. Nor any casket if that. He was cremated; probably for the best. I began thinking about the book The Alchemist and "maktub". By the way, this man's wife is the person who handed me this book over three years ago. I thought of how "it is written"; our lives are already planned out for us yet we have a part in realizing our own personal legend and play a part in writing our own destiny.
All things happen for a reason right? So what is his reason? Same question I am still trying to understand for my son. And now tonight... another dear loved family member. Why? Why must we be placed here on Earth only to leave behind sadness?
Nothing anyone could have done or known could have changed what has already happened or is about to happen. Maktub.
Yet I am left dumbfounded by the shock and confusion and emotions I feel for two people: someone I hardly know and someone I used to know but grew apart; all in one day. Yes, I lost Elijah and I am extremely distraught over it everyday. Yes, I only had about 20 minutes with him, but I never grew a bond with him only a husband and wife can have. Or a bond only parents have with their adult children. He was a baby but only accomplished little things such as sucking his thumb. That little thing is huge to me, but it's not as huge as creating memories. Memories of happiness and even more so moments of pure annoyance. It's the little things that annoys a person that ends up missing the most when it's gone; leaving the cap off on the toothpaste tube or spraying too much PAM on a frying pan.
Maktub. We never know when our chapter in Earth's book will be written and finished. A new chapter will be started to tell the great journey of a young man in search for his own treasure; his personal legend.
As I follow my journey of healing in the loss of those I love and those I do not know; I only hope that I really do come out a stronger person as everyone keeps saying I will. I hope I find my opportunity to heal the hurt and cure the sick and love the unloved.
To the man's wife, I am so deeply sorry.
To my friend, I wish you knew just how much you truly are loved and how much we needed you here with us.
"Maktub"
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