Happy Birthday Cake

May 31st, 2011 marks the date of a great milestone. A little boy's first birthday.

Usually for most 1-year olds there are gifts and the smashing of a brightly colored cake and a showered burst of air to blow out a single candle; that is if it isn't put out with the grasp of five sticky fingers first.

As I look back on the year, I try to imagine what my house would sound like as I stand in the kitchen cooking dinner for three instead of four. With my soon-to-be 3-ear old, I can't imagine it could get any louder.

My husband and I have gone through a lot in one year, and although most people have told us "it will get better" and "it will only make us stronger", I am not sure we have made it to that point yet. It is easier talking about Elijah, but stronger? Not so sure.

On Saturday, we did have a birthday party for Elijah. We asked our guests to bring a gift that would be donated to an organization called New Beginnings here in St Cloud. Their mission is to help young teen girls who have children or are pregnant. I truly believe in their mission and hope that the girls going through their program understand just how precious the little lives that they hold in their hands really are. I have yet to drop things off; life is so unpredictably busy. I think I may need a personal assistant!

As we prepared Saturday morning for the small birthday party, my toddler knew something special was going on. We do talk to him about Baby Elijah and look at his pictures and his pajamas we have sitting next to the urn. He says "Baby Elijah" so beautifully, it makes my heart melt.

It was very difficult trying to get him down for his afternoon nap; he didn't sleep a wink. I had to bribe him to just lay down and stay in his room without screaming. The bribe? Dairy Queen birthday cake.

Our first guests, my mom and Grandmother Faye arrived. I went into Paighton's room to tell him grandma was here and he could be done with his idea of a 'nap'. He ran full speed down the hallway and into the kitchen yelling "cake". Not so much as a "hello" for any of us. It was a sight to see.

We had the gifts laid out on the table for display next to a photo album, the start of my scrapbook for Elijah, and handmade thank you cards. I got a little choked up when my Grandma Faye hugged me as if she was never going to let go. I hid in my bedroom closet for about a minute or two to blow off some emotions. It was bittersweet to see all these baby items in my kitchen; things that Paighton has grown out of but Elijah would be using right now. I pressed a key on a little piano rattle to hear its quick melody. I pictured a chubby little boy bouncing to its rhythm.

Later in the evening after everyone had gone, I brought out more ice cream cake for a late snack. As we were waiting for Daddy to cut it, Paighton bounced around singing "Happy birthday cake. Happy birthday cake Baby Elijah. Happy birthday cake". I couldn't ask for a better song. I was so impressed and proud of my silly toddler to have remembered not only his version of the words, but Elijah's name. I squeezed him tightly and sang along with him.

I know that my son is not here with me physically, but I am always looking for those signs that he is here with me in spirit. As weird as that may sound to some, I yearn for something of his presence.

This past Memorial weekend I spent most of my time remembering my little boy, whom I have held in my arms for a little over 15 minutes, and the large footprint he has left in my heart. I also remembered other family and friends who I miss very much: friend Jennifer, friend Danica, Grandpa V, cousins Josh and Jhase, and other Baby Angels I have come to know.

"Say not, in grief, that you have gone; but give thanks that you were ours"