Home Stretch!

Now let's see... where did I leave off?

OH YEA!! I'm pregnant! Hee Hee.

It's been 8 months since I announced to family and friends that my husband and I were expecting another tiny bundle of joy. Now, we are 36 weeks along; with only 4 weeks left, we are in the home stretch!

Phew!! I almost feel like I can finally breathe again. Almost...

The fears from losing Elijah are still very much real. I also carry guilt. Guilt that I am doing ok in life and am moving on. Yet, I don't really see it as moving on without him. I am moving on with him.

Our son Paighton is very excited about the new baby. So much that we let him pick the name! Now at first he was choosing names like Captain America, Thor, Cupcake, Poopy Pants and so on. So we had a talk about real names, animal names and pretend names. He got better. He began picking names like Ethan, Dominic, and Emma (if baby was a girl). I turned those down as well considering those are the names of kids in his preschool class. Ethan seemed to be a bit of a bully with a very scary anger management problem. He once bit Dominic in the leg because he wanted to sit by Paighton in school and Dominic refused to move. Yikes! Dominic is Paighton's BFF and Emma is Paighton's girlfriend. WHAT?! Yup... I said it... girlfriend! However now that school is over and summer is here, he really hasn't kept in touch much with his friends. We try but its hard to plan with ever changing schedules.

So what shall we name baby? Hmm... it was tough for a 4-year old to pull out a name from thin air when he hasn't had much personal experiences yet to know what names are really out there. At the time, his favorite two movies he was constantly streaming throughout the day over and over and over again were E.T. (yes, the creepy alien movie - classic by the way) and Alvin & The Chipmunks: Chipwrecked. OH MY GAWD these movies were driving me insane! But I turned what was a mind-splitting annoyance into a positive and got him thinking. What about the names Elliott or Theodore? He thought those were perfect! Finally, I got him to narrow names down to two. Elliott and Theodore.

We stuck on those names for a very long time. It wasn't until a couple months ago that we all, even daddy, agreed on Theodore. Theodore Robert (my dad's name is Robert). I am very happy and satisfied with our decision as a family. I even have a super cute story to tell Theo when he grows up that his brother Paighton named him. Now we'll see if he likes the reason behind the why... because Theodore is the chubby chipmunk that eats too much. There is just something about an over-indulging fur ball I find to be incredibly adorable!

So a chubby chipmunk. It just might be a perfect fit. A month ago, Theo had a growth ultrasound (we get an ultrasound every visit and a growth every 4 weeks) and he measured 9 days ahead of schedule; putting himself at the 78th percentile for his weight class. WOW! Paighton always measured in the 30s percentiles for weight. Theo is going to be one hefty boy! He sure is going to take after his daddy! I picture giant chest and shoulders, like a gorilla. My husband and his father have very big upper bodies. I love it. Especially when my husband wraps those giant arms around me and pulls me in for a extra strong hug. I feel safe and the stress just melts right off me.

Paighton on the other hand takes a lot after me. He is tall and skinny. I don't think we will be skinny forever since he has ambitions to become a UFC fighter. Oh, and a cop, a firefighter, Captain America, mailman, McDonald's worker, a dentist, a baby doctor, a construction worker, a boxer, a football player, a hockey player, and... am I missing any? He loves to stay busy! I like our conversations with each other of what he is going to be when he grows up. Its safe to say he doesn't have any self esteem issues when it comes to his ability to accomplish anything! If he wants to aim for the Moon or farther, I know he will. And I will let him; standing right behind him for encouragement the entire way. I am very proud of my big (not so little anymore) boy.

One area where Paighton isn't all Captain America-can-do-attitude are things more of the sentimental or emotional things. Now I'm not saying he isn't sensitive, because he is. He is just very extra-sensitive. He goes deeper in his thoughts and reasoning than I'd expect from a child his age. But then again, he has experienced more things in his short life than most his peers would at this age. He is very much in touch about death. It makes me a little uncomfortable at times, but I think we manage it well. We always answer his questions without sugar coating anything, but we also don't go further than what is required for him to understand and be content with the answer given.

Now even though Paighton is very excited for Baby Theo, he really hasn't shown complete acceptance yet. He will say cute things once in awhile like "I'm not helping with poopy diapers" and "I don't want him to sleep in my room because he will pee on my bed and chew on my toys" but he also says things that bring us back to the day we lost Elijah. That's when it gets tough. He doesn't fully believe yet that Theo is going to survive. One day he and daddy where gluing paper cutouts of people onto paper making our family. He added dad, mom, himself, and then stopped. He pondered for a bit, then grabbed a baby cutout and said something along the lines of not wanting to add Theo because if he dies then he will have to rip it off the paper. Nothing was mentioned about Elijah. Andy encouraged him to add Theo, and said its ok to to glue it on and we'll just see what happens.

Its really hard because all we want to do is promise to Paighton that Theo will not die. We are literally 99.999999999% (you get the idea) sure that Theo will not die. Same goes for me. Mommy is not going to die. But we are not God. God decides all; who, when, where, how, why (wish I knew the why part of that). I cannot bring myself to promise him anything because I hate breaking promises. He cried for days when I promised he could see his cousins, or his BFF Dominic, and it just didn't work out. I broke my promise. Usually because of circumstances out of my own control, but he doesn't understand that. I don't expect him to understand either. He is 4, not an adult. So I can understand his own anxiousness and frustration in me when I wont give him a straight yes or no answer. I try my best to avoid this question on a daily basis right now.

In efforts to prepare Paighton for the birth of Theo, we watch A Baby Story on TLC, search videos on YouTube and spend time with family and friends with babies. We have even asked him if he would like to watch daddy cut the umbilical cord (entering the room after Theo is born and all is calm of course). This sparked another emotional melt down. Sorry we asked! He first became just unresponsive, then bluntly said "NO" and stormed out our room. After he came back, I asked why. Of course I am not going to force him, but as his mother, I need to know why and what upset him so much. He expressed himself very well and I'm proud of him for opening up to me. Not only did he not want to see dad cut the cord, he doesn't want dad to cut it at all. Period. He said he didn't want me to get an owie; to get hurt - to die. He said he likes his baby brother and doesn't want him to die and if daddy cuts the cord, Theo will die and I will get an owie. My heart felt so heavy listening to him say these things. I assured him it wont hurt me at all; nor will it hurt Theo. Its a part of real life and Theo cant live stuck to me forever. We examined Paighton's belly button and explained how big and strong he got all on his own without being stuck to mommy. He calmed down and the topic hasn't resurfaced since. Not sure if it will.

As the days go on, he is getting very impatient for Theo's arrival. So am I! We are due September 2nd, but I really have a gut feeling that he will make an early appearance. If he doesn't, and I am wrong, that is okay too! Paighton's birthday is August 31st, and making sure he isn't shoved to the side and still gets to have a full day of all about him, I scheduled his birthday party to be on the 17th instead. A whole two weeks early! Now if I didn't plan far enough in advance and Theo comes before then, or on e the day, I am going to feel so awful! I stress about it every day right now. Just PLEASE not before or on, just come after the 17th... PLEASE!!

Another amazing thing about my three boys are their due dates... Both Paighton and Theo were estimated to be due on September 2nd. Elijah was due August 28th. Paighton and Elijah were both born on the 31st of the month. Strange as it is... I think Theo will be born on August 28th. It would be kind of neat I think. Sweet and honorable.

If I am going to make it to August 28th, I've got a lot of focusing and praying to do! I have begun dilating already! Last I was checked I was at 1.5.  I have horrible nighttime contraction episodes that last about 2 hours and tons of swelling. At least I am able to stay home and relax if I absolutely need to. The past two months I wasn't able to. Paighton had baseball and swimming lessons. We were on the go Monday through Thursday of every week. Its hard being pregnant and sitting on a stiff bleacher under the hot sun. Paighton had tons of fun but boy, am I glad its over! I told him from  now on, I think we are doing swimming lessons indoors. We will have to see how he feels about baseball next year. I am hoping he will want to drop it; I'm not much of a baseball fan. I'd like to see him get into kickboxing, football, hockey or soccer; some kind of sport I can actually watch without wanting to bang my hand into a brick wall. Even football might be a stretch for me... not a fan. I just get easily bored.

Looking back to my past life, life before kids and a husband, I never in a million years saw myself where I am today. But you know what? I am glad it happened. It took a lot of hurt to get here and it may not be picture perfect but it's perfect for me. I have a great husband who loves me and protects me from everything and everyone, and two (almost three) amazing sons who constantly teach and challenge me every day, and two super annoying cats with personality disorders that I think are just animal versions of how I'd like to act in real life but don't.

Those are the things that I have. You cannot buy them with any amount of money yet they are worth more than any house, car, boat, toy, latest tech gadget, social status or what have you.

I am the richest woman in the world. My family is priceless.

My family is perfect.