Here he is with his favorite blankie. Not even during a tickle fight will he surrender it...
In a way, it brings me comfort when I see him pick up his blankie, meticulously feel around the edges until he finds the perfect spot, shovel it into his mouth, his eyes slowly close only halfway, and then he lays his head down into my lap. It is like no other feeling, I feel like my toddler is still Mommy's tiny little baby. He needs me and I need him more. I never want him to grow up. He can have 20 temper tantrums a day as long as he stays young; never grows up... never dies...
I asked my grandma and aunt to make a special blankie for Elijah. I start to cry when I think that Elijah may never get to see or feel it. My heart drops and I feel a hard lump in my throat when I think Elijah will never get to drag it around or throw a temper tantrum because I am attempting to run it through the laundry. He will never get to fight his sleepiness, and come lay in Mommy's lap while clutching his blankie in his hand and holding it against his face. He will never really know just exactly how much his Mommy and Daddy loves him.
Today I received a package in the mail from a complete stranger. I was aware that something would be coming, but I was not in any way prepared to open it and see what's inside. I brought it in the house, and set it next to the couch. I tried to ignore it; I kept walking past it as I played with my son, did dishes, and made dinner. I caught a glimpse of my son trying to open a few times. It brought a smile to my face knowing his curiosity is one of his cutest features. I waited until my son went to bed to open it. I knew I would need to be alone. Inside the box was a very soft blanket, and on the blanket was a tag stitched in. It said "Luke's Blanket of Love". Luke lived for 2 months. Now Luke's mommy is making these blankets in his memory to help bring comfort to other babies and their mommies. As I read the card attached to it, I cried so hard I couldn't see any more. I grabbed my son's red zip-up hoodie laying near me to dry my tears because I was too afraid to drop tears on the very new blankie. This blankie is meant to bring comfort, but it didn't. It brought more hurt, sadness, and more hate. I am so angry. Angry my son will not know or understand the meaning of this blanket.
Also in the box was another blankie from the Prenatal Partners for Life. It is a soft baby lamb, just the head and arms, and its body is a soft off-white blanket. On the blankie is embroidered "Child of God". Again, first sadness, then anger. I trust God, really I do. But He is really trying my faith right now. I am so angry with Him, and I want to lash out and say horrible things to Him. I want to hate him, but I cant. I need Him to hold me and tell me everything is going to be okay. But then I want to punch Him in the face. My emotions are such a bipolar mess right now. I am confused between feelings, and cant find a balance amongst them all.
The box also held a CD of 7 songs. I am not sure I can listen to it quite yet....
As I sat there with the contents of the box laying in my lap, trying to catch each tear from falling on these wonderful gifts, I neatly packed them back into the box. I closed the top, and it felt like I was shutting my baby up in the box. Is this how its going to be? I will have to "pack" my son away? I added to the box the coin with Elijah's name on it from my sister-in-law, and another blanket I purchased impulsively at a specialty baby store.
Blankets are meant to stop tears and bring warmth, yet they seem to bring tears and a chilly sense of loneliness for me.
Was I really such a horrible person that God felt it necessary to put me through this? Or what about my unborn son? What did he ever do to deserve this? Nothing...
For more information on the gifts I received today, please visit their sites and support their causes. Because of loving strangers, parents like me can find some comfort and support...
http://www.prenatalpartnersforlife.org/ and http://www.lukesblanketoflove.org/
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