Break Even

When it comes to fads, I am definitely a sucker. I love trends, of all sorts. Although I may not always dress trendy myself, that it mostly due to the nature of being a mother within me. I feel guilt if I spend money on myself for superficial reasons such as clothes when my son is growing and hungry. I rather buy him food and clothes of his own.

One fad I am going through right now is actually on the radio. Doesn't it seem like whenever you turn on the radio, you hear the same 10 songs in a row. Once they are all played, loop it around again and play on.

I really like the song "Break Even" from The Script. Even though it was written with an entirely different meaning from how I interpret it, it makes sense to me to what is going on in my life right now.

"I'm still alive, but I'm barely breathing". This speaks so much to how my body feels; my mind. Like I have said before, someone helped me put this into words; my body is on autopilot. I am alive, my body is alive. I wake up, get dressed, eat, go to work and take care of my family. I cannot breathe without my family, and with Elijah living, but knowing I will have to say goodbye to him soon makes me feel like I can barely breathe. I want to stop breathing... Then I think of my husband and son and the sight of them in my mind gives my lungs a breathe of fresh air, and I can keep going. Until I think of Elijah again... It is a vicious cycle.

"Just pray to a god that I don't believe in". There have been times where I prayed so hard, with so much passion, then anger, then humbling myself, again anger, I felt as if God could not hear me. I felt like I was praying to no one. We just keep praying, but we sometimes find ourselves in a position where we start to lose faith. That happened to me. I wanted to lose faith because I was so angry at God for taking away my baby so soon; for being so cruel to my sweet Elijah. I didn't understand God's purpose for Elijah, or for my need to experience this. I still don't, I am not sure if I ever will. I do have faith though. It is just hard to rely on it right now.

"Cause I got time while she got freedom". Although the lyrics are talking about a female, same rule applies. I feel like we all have time here on Earth. What are we waiting for? What do we strive and work for everyday during our whole life? Freedom. Freedom is priceless. When you think of it, I mean really think and analyze it, does anyone really have complete freedom? Freedom from what? Freedom from our parents when we are younger. That moves onto freedom from college, then work onto retirement. You are old, and your body is slowing. Now it is time for ultimate freedom. Freedom from life. Our bodies will die and go back into the Earth the way God intended it to, but our souls will live on; free. We will feel no pain, no hunger or thirst, no sadness. My sweet Elijah, will have his freedom soon. I still have time, and when my time will end, only God knows. But Elijah, will have freedom; no pain, no suffering, no hunger or thirst, no sadness... Elijah will be free...

"Cause when a heart breaks, no it don't break even". My heart feels like it has broken, and is still breaking in a million pieces. Each piece for a different reason. One piece for my sweet Elijah, that's a big piece. Another piece for my son, Paighton. Paighton will never get to know his little brother in a way brothers ought to. He also has to endure mommy and daddy's "sad time". This will pass in time, but I feel for him. We are keeping him busy of course to divert attention. Another piece breaks for my husband. He too has to endure his wife's "sad time". I am not the same person I once was a month and a half ago. I am more stressed, temperamental, easily triggered, and depressed. I don't eve feel like doing anything anymore, but of course, like keeping Paighton busy, I force myself to join in the business. I have to continue my life. I also feel for him in having to lose our son. Seeing him sad makes me sad. I ache when I see his eyes swell with tears, his lips quivers and curl in attempts to hide and stifle his own cries. Then pieces are broken from my heart for my family; my parents, in-laws, friends, and so on. I feel for them because they too will not get to know Elijah and they have to deal with me being different for awhile.

I am curious of the type of person I will grow into after time goes by. People keep telling me I will come out a better and stronger person. I am not sure if I completely agree with that. Different, yes. Stronger? I don't know. Better? Really? I am having a hard time seeing how, in any way, how this can make a person better. Stronger, maybe in a sense of thick-skinned and cold-hearted. Does that count as stronger? I have a very traditional German Grandmother, and some say she is a very strong woman. I agree, she is strong, but you will never hear the words "I love you" come from her lips. I know she loves me, she shows it in the pies and blankets she makes, or the towel whips she throws at you if you are bugging her in the kitchen. One snap in the toosh and you will think twice before getting her fired up. She is a feisty one, and we all love her for that.

There are a few more lines to the lyrics of that song that brings meaning and helps explain certain emotions that I feel. I will leave that up to you next time you listen. Think how it relates to your own life. I hope it brings peace to your current struggle, confusion, or whatever it may be.

I'd like to think that we could just live in a world without struggles, but then it wouldn't be much of a life would it. The grass is always greener on the other side, and in this life we are always trying to get there. We are always in competition with someone or something to get the bigger and better "whatever" in life, we forget what it is really important. Love.

I love my family, my husband and children. I hope that I will not get caught up in life and forget about love.

I love my sweet baby Elijah; God's child, gift given to me. God's Angel...