My Dear Son, Elijah,
As the days pass, there is never a moment I don't think about you. You are always on my mind. I find myself needing to talk about you in order to feel you. To feel you is to feel alive. When I am away from my family, I feel dead inside. You, I can carry with where ever I may go.
Your big brother, Paighton, is now two years old. I see a lot of you in him. He helps me get through lonely nights when I need you most. He will come into my room and jump on your teddy bear that sacredly holds the sound of your heart. We bounce and dance on the bed to its rhythm. I move to the beat of your heart everyday as the sound replays in my head at work.
I recently had surgery again. I was nervous, not knowing how I would handle surgery after loosing you. The smell and sounds of the surgical center brought back erie feelings. I was calmed as I drifted off to sleep, thinking of and praying that God would give us time together. He did. Danica brought you to see me. You seemed so happy. You looked like you were already a toddler yourself; mirror images of your big brother. It was so short lived though. When I woke up and saw your daddy, I knew you were gone again. My heart ache to see you more.
People try to tell me that everything happens for a reason. I am still trying to figure that out. I do see and understand some things, but deep down inside I want to refuse it. I rather you be here with me than any other 'good' that is supposed to be.
Without you, I wouldn't have certain relationships that I do. now Some are clearer and more appreciated, while others still confuse me. All I ever want is to be loved. Why that never seems to happen no matter how hard I try is beyond me. I just have to keep reminding myself, I can only control myself and not others. For whatever they think or feel, it is not within my means to understand. In time, maybe, in time those that I love will see it and come around to love me back.
I also think about the reality of me ever being able to have more children. After losing you, I am afraid of loving any more. I fear all my love has been claimed for by you and your brother. I fear that I may not be a good mother because I am so angry I have lost you.
I had told someone at work once that I may never be able to get pregnant again anyways. She scolded me by saying "if that were true, you would have had that hysterectomy. You didn't, so you will have another baby". Her philosophy may be right; and of course it should be. She too has lost babies on more than one occasion. My heart aches for her, but I see how happy she is with her beautiful babies that would not have been born had it not been for those that were lost. Her babies now were her "good reason" in life.
Elijah, you brought me closer to people I thought would never love me no matter how hard I tried. You helped me to take down those annoying self-protective walls, if not all the way, at least a little to make it easier to climb over. You made my friendships mean more than just friends; we are sisters. You reminded me that your daddy is not just my husband; he is my best friend. You live everyday within your big brother.
My sweet baby Elijah. I miss you so much.
Love dearly, Your Mommy
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It’s easy to say, “I believe,” but the true test comes when we have to act on what we believe. In this story, the king came to Elisha the prophet to seek his help in obtaining deliverance from the Syrians. The prophet told him to strike arrows on the ground as a symbol of Israel’s attacks against their enemy, but the king stopped after shooting only three arrows onto the ground.
Unbelief is disobedience. Period. Had the king believed, he would have struck arrows on the ground many times. Because of his unbelief, he stopped before he’d even gotten a good start. It is not surprising that Elisha became frustrated and angry with him.
Incidents of unbelief are recorded throughout the Old and New Testaments. Unbelief seems to be at work in nearly every direction we turn. Matthew 17:14-20 records the story of a man who brought his epileptic son to Jesus for healing. He said, “And I brought him to Your disciples, and they were not able to cure him” (v. 16).
This boy’s father was hurt and disappointed in the disciples’ lack of ability to emulate their Leader. We might have agreed with him had we been in his place that day. After all, Jesus had been traveling with these twelve men for several months. They had repeatedly observed as He performed miracles wherever they went. In Luke 10, we learn that Jesus sent out other followers, and they performed a number of miracles and healings. Why couldn’t the disciples do them in this instance? Jesus had constantly encouraged them to heal the sick and do the things that He did.
Yet they were unable to heal the boy, and Jesus said: “O you unbelieving (warped, wayward, rebellious) and thoroughly perverse generation! How long am I to remain with you? How long am I to bear with you? Bring him here to Me” (v. 17). Jesus cast out the demon, and the boy was cured. Unbelief leads to disobedience.
But here’s the end of the story. When the disciples asked Jesus why they couldn’t heal the boy, Jesus’ answer was clear: “Because of the littleness of your faith [that is, your lack of firmly relying trust] . . .” (v. 20).
I feel sure that Jesus’ answer caused the disciples to examine their hearts and to ask what held them back. Why didn’t they believe? Perhaps they had allowed negative thinking to enter their minds. Perhaps they weren’t able to grasp the fact that Jesus wanted to use them and empower them to perform miracles.
Of course, we know from reading the book of Acts that once they were filled with the Holy Spirit, the disciples demonstrated God’s supernatural power at work—but not in this story. He said to them, “I assure you, most solemnly I tell you, if anyone steadfastly believes in Me, he will himself be able to do the things that I do; and he will do even greater things than these, because I go to the Father” (John 14:12).
The promise remains valid to this day. Unbelief will keep us from doing what God has called and anointed us to accomplish in life. It will also hinder us from experiencing the sense of peace He wants us to enjoy as we find rest for our souls in Him (see Matthew 11:28,29 KJV).
When God tells us we can do something, we must believe that we can. It is not by our power or our might that we are able to do what He tells us to, but by His Spirit working on the inside of us that we win in the battle of unbelief.
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