-ruminate
1. to think deeply about something
I recently learned this new word and started using it to better describe my thoughts without sounding like a crazy person. Thank you Jeff. One past example has been referred to as a violent tornado; the thoughts just whirlwind around. Just as a cow passes in front of my eyes, then it's a house, then a car.
My thoughts have been 'ruminating'; almost to the point of uncontrollable.
It has been awhile since I have last written on my blog. Not because there hasn't been anything to write about, but more so because there has been too much; I have to organize again. Partially also because I do not feel 100% safe exposing myself wholly due to past circumstances of emotional attacks from loved ones. I guess some people cannot, and may not ever, understand that people cope and grieve differently.
So ruminating...
My metaphorical cows, houses, and cars have been more realistically about family, friends, work, and life aspirations. One moment I am thinking so intensely on my grandmother who has had yet another aneurysm followed by a stroke and the discovery of a blood clot in her brain the size of an orange to thinking about my sister wishing she would do better for herself in life because she deserves it for herself and owes it to her 3 1/2 year old son. Then I go on to think about my dad and how stressed he is with having to deal with my sister and his mother (my grandmother) and the separation of his believed-to-be soul mate of 11 years.
All of these thoughts are constantly fighting for my attention and I am being drained; exhausting myself once again by putting everyone before myself and eventually I become self-forgotten.
There is also my husband's sister, Amy. For as long as I have been in the family, she has struggled with her weight and self-image. I think she is a beautiful person and an awesome mother to her three boys. The youngest of the three, Ben (I call him Benny), adores his mother. The look in his eyes and smile on his face when those two talked to each other or played and joked around is one of the reasons I wanted to become a mom myself. It made my heart melt.
Amy has been and still is battling bulimia. Last I heard she weighed a whole 73 pounds. She is in Fargo, ND as of now fighting for her life. I am afraid for her. I am afraid for her husband and sons.
I wish there was something I could do or say to give her encouragement, but I am at a complete loss. I have never felt completely accepted into my husband's family; or that it is just very different from the family I am used to from growing up as a child. I do not want to overstep my boundaries. I want to show I care without giving off the vibe of an outsider intruding in private matters. Her husband had asked that I come with on the next visit to see her; but she herself never asks that of me.
I also wish I knew what it was in Amy's past that ignited this contagious fire that is slowly killing her. If I could I would take it all away from her. She doesn't deserve to hurt; she deserves to watch her children grow up and become great people.
It's like that movie, "The Butterfly Effect". If one were to ever travel into the past, a simple flutter of a butterfly's wings would create universal changes for the future to come. If only I could travel into the past and find that little girl named Amy, I could create a whole new life for her. A simple compliment of "cute braids" or an offer to share half of a peanut butter sandwich could have possibly done the trick. Then again, I am at a total loss; not to mention time travel does not exist... yet. I truly believe though that something or someone in her past has hurt her and caused her this horrible disease. I ask all of you to please keep my sister-in-law, Amy, in your thoughts and prayers as she needs them more now than ever. She deserves it.
Another thought that continues to float about my head every day is that fact that within my family, younger and younger yet, the women and young girls are miscarrying their babies. When that thought hits me, I get stuck in the moment and become angry. It wasn't fair that my baby Elijah had to leave so soon, and it isn't fair that my baby cousins have to loose their babies so soon also. I say baby cousins because in my mind, I can still see the innocence of their younger selves; even though they are adults. Miscarriages used to be a thing more common to women in their 40s and beyond. Why is is that my cousins 30 and younger are miscarrying? Is it the food we eat nowadays? Everything is processed. Just yesterday I had read on Facebook, a friend's comment about reading the ingredients of an apple cinnamon muffin mix. It included the ingredient "artificial apple bits". What is an artificial apple, may I ask? How long and how much money did it cost researchers and chemists to create and artificial apple? Wouldn't it have been easier to dehydrate a real apple? It's history to go out to the barn to snatch a few eggs, milk the cow and hack off a few chickens.
I feel for my cousins in having to go though such tragedy. Again, butterfly effect. I would if I could. In thinking of them and Elijah, I fear having to get pregnant again. I fear having to lose another baby or even myself. I also fear Paighton forever being labeled as an only child.
As mentioned in the beginning, I haven't written in awhile. I have forgotten about myself and lost my organization skills to put my thoughts into words understandable to others. I have also lost grasp of how to cope and ask for help. I started to revert back to April of last Spring. The nightly sounds of a crying baby have come back. If I fully wake up before getting out of bed in the middle of the night, I realize and understand it isn't real and scold myself to go back to sleep. However, I do sometimes find myself wondering around the house looking for Elijah; then I wake up. Usually turning on a light will trigger me to awaken. I am also getting the "phantom" kicks again. More than likely it is gas since I refuse to pay attention to the fact I am lactose intolerant; I love cheese. Still, maybe it has always been there and I was able to block it out of my head, but lately I am more and more aware and sensitive when I feel a kick come within.
Lastly, I haven't really been able to label this one until with the help of a doctor, but I guess I am experiencing flashbacks from Elijah's birth. I didn't understand exactly what was happening; I would explain them to my husband as"episodes". I usually either have them when I am alone or at work. When I am doing something productive I don't. I am not productive when I am by myself. At work, for the most part I am productive but it is repetitive. I get in a rhythm were I start to lose that focus and wander off in a daydream; a daydream that goes horribly wrong. It starts out with a thought of course. As they all circulate though my mind, in the background is Elijah's birth. I use a lot of energy forcing that thought to the back because I know what happens if I let it slip thought. I see it and grab onto it; I hone in on it until I lose my sense of surrounding. I cannot break from it on my own. Someone has to snap me out of it or I will completely fall apart as I follow the emotions and sometimes physical pain in order going into labor, him being born, handing him off to my husband, losing conscientiousness, waking up in the ER, holding a dead baby, then leaving for home. My emotions start at high anxiety and end at calm yet saddened; clear minded.
I have been out of work since last Monday due to a huge flashback that I couldn't control and couldn't snap out of. I left work in the afternoon to go to lunch but found myself sitting in my vehicle at the park flipping out. I seriously felt like I was back at Abbott. I didn't realize I was even in my vehicle until I got to the part of going home. I know I am not crazy though; so everyone can be rest assured. I have seen quite a few doctors and psychologists since and they all said I am just fine. I need to take a lot of steps back from helping others and focus on myself, is what they said in their own words.
Nevertheless, my mind continues to ruminate about anything and everything possible. Sure I can start saying "no" to those asking for my help, but how am I to stop the thoughts? I still stress out about everyone else because I do care and begin to feel like a bad person for knowing full well what they are going through yet I refuse to jump in and help. What a horrible thing to do; stand on a beach and watch people drown. Nice.
Regardless, my main focus and goal is to control my flashbacks. My biggest hurdle was finally breaking down and asking for help from an actual professional. Ugh, I cant stand shrinks but hopefully with their help I wont need them for long.
So when I got home from the hospital last Monday after my "flashback episode", my husband and I laid in our room crying uncontrollably. He pulled out Elijah's things and shared with me a card that was given to us at the funeral by someone he knows though work. This card, simple in itself, stuck out to Andrew like a sore thumb; it is a constant reminder and encouragement for him and had hope it would be for me as well.
It was...
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3 comments:
I was looking for your email address to write you but I didn't see it anywhere on your blog. I just want to say, "THANK YOU!!!" for sharing your story with me. I've read ALL your blogs. I also went through something similar and it was the most difficult thing I've ever gone through, still going through, will probably always go through. I find comfort in knowing you went through this too. You are an amazing writer by the way! Have you considered journalism?? :) I wish I could talk to you... I'd tell you repeatedly how I think you're an amazing woman, how I envy you, how I think you are talented, smart and a fantastic writer, a perfect mommy and how you should realize all these things and not beat yourself up. I understand your thought process though... it's because you ARE an awesome person that you think about all the things that you do. Anyway, I feel like I know you and I'm certain we'd be great friends if we had the opportunity. Please stay strong. I'm going to say it again... YOU ARE AMAZING!!! I don't think a lot of people are AMAZING as these are strong words, but I think YOU are! :) It's time to move on, focus on the wonderful life that you have, your awesome hubby, adorable son and finally focus on yourself. You're soooo young with so much ahead of you. I get excited when I think about the future and what I can do to make my life, the world better. Get excited about it, you still have a wonderful life! Awesome hubby, perfect son... how many people pray for only one of these and you have both... AND you had another wonderful son who's in Heaven now! So many people wish for just one of these blessings... you are truly lucky. Thank for allowing me the opportunity to tell you what I think. Thank you for not listening to those ignorant doctors who told you to terminate. Thank you for being such a talented writer and sharing your life with me. Thank you for being such a good woman, mother and wife. Thank you for for being you! I hope you have a blessed day! :) If you ever need an ear... my email is Gamms98@yahoo.com.
Dear all,
It is possible to conquer all this 'rumination' business. I am saying this out of my own experience of ruminating constantly (without gap or end) about several things (sometimes one at a time, sometimes all together!). It used to be my eye's health, the relationships with my wife and Mother, about bad relationships at work, about my knee/leg pain, about my body pain, about sleep, what not! Mostly on my own, I have overcome all (almost) of this.
How did I do it?
Just the knowledge that it is silly slowly sinks in by itself. Some truths and facts to hold on to until this happens:
a) It will go away
b) You will reach a point that it would be a faint memory
c) Writing down your thoughts and seeing the silliness in it
d) When at work, focus on it. If concentration wanders, bring it back.
e) Start loving your mind. That is part of loving your own beautiful self. How do you do it? Catch yourself doing good actions. And if you *happen* to notice a good thought, congratulate yourself. (dont have to go out of the way to catch your thoughts).
f) Once in a while realizing the truth in the statement that 'past is past'.
g) Practice living in the present: this might sound trite, but it is possible, effective, and easy. Whenever you catch yourself ruminating, start involving yourself more into what you are doing. When you take walks, feel all aspects of the present. You will gradually start feeling good and liking it and realize its benefits.
h) Important step: Notice the smallest of improvements and write it down. (dont have to keep track, just write it on a paper so that it sinks in).
i) Another important step: take stock of all the little and big good things you have been blessed with. Slowly this becomes a habit and you will generally feel god. At that point, the rumination starts subsiding and will vanish.
j) Don't hurry. Anyway you are blessed with so many good things (see previous point). So, it is okay to live with it for a while.
k) Slowly, your emotional involvement with your ruminating thoughts will reduce, they become dry, and drop off.
l) Important point: "Your thoughts are NOT going to eat you up". Remember this fact. Is your thought a dog or a lion to eat you up? No, they are non-material. In the long term, yes, we need to develop an inner core that will produce more good thoughts instead of unpleasant ones. But at a given point, when you catch yourself with running thoughts, remember that they are not going to eat you up. Even in the long term, there have been millions who have lived with it.
m) Important: Dont try too hard to get a thought out. It will stick stronger. Instead use proper knowledge - it will come to you when you write down thoughts and feelings. The stupidity will slowly start becoming more and more apparent.
n) Dont pray for the thoughts to go away. Instead pray for courage and patience. Please note this point and make the shift.
o) Dont try hard to run away from your thoughts. Tell yourself, I am prepared to face it. (doesnt mean you have to revisit past and prove this to yourself - if you did this, it becomes self-fulfilling).
The more you have a feeling for wnating to avoid the thoughts, the more it will tend to stick. Say, "come on...I can face you, what the hell...", and use some dirty language (that's fine! :) that helps you assert your courage.
p) Find your passion - and do it in spite of imagined obstacles.
Very soon, you will see yourself patting about getting over all of these silly things, and get on with what you have been born for.
A well wisher from India. I'm an engineering professional working in the technology space.
Well Wisher,
Thank you for your words. I hope they too reach others that may be needing a lift.
I will keep what you said in mind and hope I can remember to think upon it when I need it most.
Always,
Elijah's Mommy
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