Baby #... 5?

Tonight brings lots of excitement, hope, worry, fear, and an endless list of self-asked questions.

Yes, we are pregnant.

Last October I promptly shared the great news to all that Baby # 3 was coming soon. I was so happy and excited, I wrote those words on my driveway using my 4 year old's chalk and took a picture to share. But as I wrote the number "3", I felt off.

Baby #3. I only have one kid. He is 4, but then there was Elijah. He was a baby (Baby #2). He didn't live past 3 hours, but was still here. Very much as real as you and I. He is still a baby in my heart and my mind every day. But he isn't here to see and hold everyday. Sometimes I feel so hurt by that, that I don't want to include him in the official kid count. Is that wrong of me? It's certainly something I am working on; and get better at but still i get tripped up by those random people..."who many kids do you have?" ONE!, I blurt out. It's my way of shielding myself of having to explain the story to anyone I do not know, or just rubs me the wrong way.

But what a lot of people that heard the Baby #3 news in October, do not know this... it was actually Baby #4. Three months prior, in July, we took a trip to Faith's Lodge in Danbury, WI. It was a retreat for bereaved parents for a chance in whatever a person wanted: hope, to recharge, to reflect, to remember, to cry, to laugh. Whatever the moment called for, that is what we did. And we all did it together. It was an experience only we know as we made friends and created bonds (and inside jokes). Sadly, on our 2nd night there, we ended up having to drive to the ER. I was miscarrying. But since I was so early on, they just sent me home (after an exam making sure I was ok). I was so upset, yet oddly relieved. We hadn't told anyone we were pregnant so there wasn't any news to tell anyone we lost it. You can't loose what you never had.

But I was relieved. Relieved that I wasn't father along in a pregnancy I wasn't meant to have. I was relieved I didn't have to give birth to another "Elijah", hold him, kiss him, and wake up to find him dead. I thank God for not putting me through that horror story again.

So the miscarriage I never told anyone from July, prompted me to be more anxious about telling people in October. I told myself "It still counts". I want to be happy, and I deserve to be happy about it. We told everyone a few days after we found out. Two days after we told people, I miscarried. I was more upset about the fact that I still had people saying congrats as I was trying to keep up with taking it back and explaining that no, I was not longer pregnant. Whatever I guess.

So now I come to tonight, and the news of having a baby, that may or may not stick around. I guess it is in God's master plan if I am meant for this, this time around.

I still can't help to think that i have been pregnant four times (now tonight is five) and I only have one living child today. Although I think about it, I am not angry. i am frustrated, as a person would be in attempting to jump on a pogo stick. Frustrated with a giant dose of determination. I say to myself, "I will succeed!"

I just know I am meant to have more kids. It is in my blood, in my family history, in my heart. I have dreams in my sleep seeing my family of (oh I don't know how many exactly) a lot running a muck in the house. To the outside world it looks like chaos; dirty house, marker on the wall, boys pulling the girls' hair, and the girls flushing the boys' army guys down the toilets, hence creating the flood even Moses himself would be afraid to touch!. But in my eyes I see them creating the world amongst themselves. I see stories of pirates come to life as they stand on top of the couch holding onto a soup ladle. I see generosity as they fight and learn how to share. I see compassion as they stick up for each other, and even attempt to hide the truth from me as I interrogate them to find out who really flushed the army guys down the toilets.

I grew up in chaos. Loud noises. Rowdy boys and whiny girls. I like full houses. I just do not understand smaller families. Those seem foreign to me, and even more clicky and "VIP to enter". Geez, it's pretty much impossible to not only have, but sustain a relationship. My experiences only I guess. I am sure there are lots of small families that work best in their own way. I wont ever understand it though.

I am determined to have a large family. And if that means that I, myself, cannot bear them all, I will adopt. I will foster. With the help of God, I will find a way. My aunt has shown me this is possible as long as you have the will to do it. She is an inspiration to me. I am very proud of her.

Children bring wonders to life. They bring out qualities and ideas in yourself that you never thought you had, hiding deep inside. Children are all so different too. They are like snowflakes; not one is the same as the other. Even twins, and I know this for a fact!!

Having a child is such a blessing. I love the feeling of being pregnant; even the icky feelings too! I know it's all part of the good things to come.

My hopes for this pregnancy, whatever number I decide to call it, is that it goes according to God's plan. I am working on taking the responsibility out of my hands and placing them into God's. I failed to realize this the last few times. Here I thought it was all mine and my husband's doing. It is not. I need to remind myself of that.

But I can always help of course...will lots of yummy foods and spoiled pampering from my husband!




To my Baby Elijah,
I miss you so very much. I hope that you celebrated the most wonderful Christmas up in Heaven. Your big brother Paighton talked about you, and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus, knowing He is taking good care of you and mommy's friend Danica. He is such a smart little guy. He remembers all our friends in Heaven and likes to talk about them often; especially you. You are his favorite.

Mommy and Daddy love you. Until then...sending hugs and kisses up to you...