Work

Monday, the 26th is officially the day I go back to work. I am so excited. Not only to put some normalcy back into my life, but also to take away some thought and redirect the energy to something more productive. There is no reason I cant work, it makes no sense and does me no good to sit around feeling sorry for myself.

In a way, I am nervous to go back to work. I worry about things I cannot control. What if something happens... with me, or the baby... at work? The other thing I worry is seeing my co-workers that are pregnant, and how happy they are. Knowing they get to hold their babies, and I cant mine... just tears my heart apart. I have been uncomfortable around pregnant women lately, even newborns. I feel my body begin to shake, my eyes swell, and there's that lump again in my throat. I am happy for my friends and co-workers that are expecting. I really am, but I am also very envious. God says do not covet thy neighbor... it is so hard not to at times...

Last night I had a very strange dream. I dreamt that Elijah was born, but I couldn't find him. No matter how much I searched and searched at the hospital, I could not find him. Finally, I entered a room, and it had multiple queen size beds. Maybe about 10. In the beds were babies, about the age of 9 months; all lined up at the head against the pillows. They were cooing and grabbing at their feet. All babies were naked, wearing diapers only. Why queen beds, I do not know. I saw one bed with a full grown man in it, with about 5 babies lined up next to him. He was sitting up, leaning back against the headboard. In his arms, was Elijah. He was holding Elijah lifting him up and back down again, making faces and funny noises at him, like a game. He was smaller than the other babies, but laughing and kicking his obviously deformed legs wildly like he was trying to swim in water. He was laughing, a huge smile on his face, biting at his hands as if he had butterflies in his tummy from too much excitement. I stood in the doorway, watching. I didn't want to disturb them, Elijah was having too much fun. He was happy.

I woke up to my husband's alarm clock ringing. I felt odd. I wasn't sure what emotion my mind was trying to run through the rest of my body. In a way, I interpreted the dream as if Elijah will live. He does has a chance. I was happy. Then fear set in. I was afraid again for how Elijah's life might effect my own, and my son Paighton's. How will I juggle work? How will Elijah's life be? Will he be happy? Or in pain?

I read a story of a 24-year old man who is living today, diagnosed with Diploid Triploid Mosaic Syndrome. How that differs from Elijah's Triploidy, I do not know...
What I do know is he has the mind of a toddler, and gets very upset often because he does not understand his physical limitations. I am afraid of having to relive this nightmare for 24+ years with Elijah. Watching him grow up, but never really growing up.

Was it selfish of me to feel disappointed that Elijah was alive in my dream? In reality, I do want him to live. I don't want my baby to die. But I also don't want my baby to suffer, be in pain, and have a life that isn't much of a life to begin with. By the way, who ever set the standard, the 'norm' for quality of life anyways? When and where was it determined that a life is a life, and when a life is no longer a life? Who determines this?

So in fear for both of my sons, I also fear the change in life that effects my work. It was hard enough trying to juggle my work schedule with my son's appointments for occupational therapy, well-child, ill-child, allergy testing, allergic reactions, hospitalizations, accidents at daycare, what have you. The list goes on. Thankfully almost all of these have stopped. I have never taken a day of PTO for myself just because.
How will I juggle now my work schedule with Elijah's many, upon many appointments for who knows what yet...?

No matter my struggles God puts before me, I will try my best. I will trust in Him to always find a way for balance. I just have to be open to hearing and receiving Him and understanding what He wants.

Life is hard. I have a friend who also keeps a blog. In it she spoke about a theory of life; her own personal view. It is something along the lines of a person's purpose in life is to die. Meaning, we are here to live and serve our purpose, once our purpose is done, we are no longer needed here on Earth. So, we die and God takes us home. God is very particular in how we go home, and when. It all means something, we just need to interpret it correctly. Understanding death is another hard part of life. Sometimes we just simply do not want to understand it. Seems like being a mother, my purpose is to make sure my children live to serve their purposes. So with that said, what purpose would Elijah's life have?

Working with disabled adults in a group home setting, I have seen true testaments that those men have purposes. I am a better person for knowing them. I enjoyed going to work and seeing them, they uplifted my spirit every day. But at the end of my shift, my heart would sink as I drove home. Why did I feel so sorry for them? They were happy, they were not sorry for themselves, so why was I?

I hope that no matter the length of Elijah's life, that I will see and understand his purpose and help others to see and understand it as well. If Elijah outlives me in this physical world, I hope he will let his purpose shine and infect others with love and life of their own.

Work, I will see you Monday. I hope I don't fall asleep since my schedule has been so out of wack...