Human decisions vs. Godly intervention

Some decisions are very hard to make. Others quite easy. The decision my husband and I have to make is not easy; yet I wonder if our lives would be changed in different ways depending on which decision is made. Does it even matter, really?

Decision #1 - Carrying out our pregnancy full term, or at least trying to without miscarrying. Outcome - our sweet little baby dies.
Decision #2 - Terminating our pregnancy. Outcome - our sweet little baby dies.

No matter how you word things, line up the facts or possibilities, the outcome is the same.

My husband and I have made our decision. I feel empty. Its not like how a person feels after making a decision to get that new dress, or change careers, or even decide to buy a house. All decisions come with a bit of anxiety, whether positive or negative. I do not even feel anxiety. I do not feel anything really. I am a little confused I guess. Confused as to why this even happened in the first place; confused that I was even given a choice to make such a decision. Does God really have that much faith in me? It is told that God only gives a person as much as they can handle, never too much. This is a lot. Does God REALLY think I can handle this?

Our decision has been made. We have completed the 24 hour paper work required by law from the State of Minnesota. One of two women, who are the Care Coordinators from Abbott will be contacting me to set things up. Sometime next week I will be induced and out little baby will be born, and then die. It is so strange saying that... almost as if I am reading it out of a dramatic novel.

Things were supposed to be done at United Hospital, but factors such as distance of where I live and my personal request for a female doctor changed this. So it will be done at Abbott instead. I could care less... as long as my baby is treated with integrity, respect, and love.

I am still praying, of course, for some divine intervention from God. I pray every night that, if I am indeed making the wrong decision, to please, PLEASE take my baby naturally instead of humans taking it chemically. I am praying for a miscarriage. I have come to peace with our decision though, knowing that our Pastor has given us his blessing, and we are acting on God's guidance through our Pastor. Pastor has said that God already intervened, but showing us this now and giving us a choice. I still have some, humanely, doubts... but I am faithfully trusting.

The more and more I pray for God to intervene again, and not let humans take my baby, but God himself, the more my body feels different. I am unsure if it is stress related, or what really. I have been getting Braxton Hicks contractions. I feel a lot of pressure, and sometimes pain 'down there'. I almost fell over it got so bad while grocery shopping at Sam's Club today. I am thankful my mom was with me. My belly and 'stuff' just feels weird and different...
A friend of mine lost her baby in the womb. Her body did not miscarry. As she was at the hospital, waiting and getting prepped for the doctors to take the baby out (I am unsure, but I believe it was a D and C?), her body miscarried right then and there on its own. She told me God works in mysterious ways. I am praying for Him to continue to work and not forget about me yet.

We will be having a small funeral service for our angel baby Elijah. Although our Pastor has said, in his own words, that he is willing to be involved in any form we want. We have yet to ask, but we will be asking him to assist us in asking God to take care of Baby Elijah. I am unsure of his feelings about cremation, as that is what we will be doing. I just cant seem to find it in my heart to bury my baby in a plot that I would only visit probably 4 times a year. I know how cemeteries work. I am not against them by any means; I plan to be buried when I die, and then maybe, that is when Baby Elijah will go too. I wouldn't expect any of my children to cremate me; I doubt their spouses would be comfortable knowing their mother-in-law is in a jar their living room. I would feel strange if my husband did it, and he would feel the same if I did it. We love our parents, but... yea.... cant really find a further explanation to that one.

I know a lot of people reading this are going to feel we are making the wrong decision, but what they need to remember is if it were meant to be a different decision, it would be them and not me needing to make it. God gave this to us. God trusts us. Maybe God is using us as an example to all those who would be doing it differently, I really don't know. There are so many "what ifs" and so many different ways to argue or even agree. No one will really know until we ourselves die and go to Heaven.

I pray tonight that my son starts to feel better soon, as he caught Daddy's cold. I pray that my son will never have to endure pain of any sort, which I am sad to say, he probably will. Whether it be a broken arm or leg, or his first girlfriend dumping him (she better watch out by the way, as far as I know, I am the only woman good enough for him!). I pray, that if by chance, I do miscarry that I do not have my son with me alone. I hope someone else is close by that can take care of him.

I pray... that God take away all my pain... but if it were the only way, take away all the pain from my Baby Elijah, and give it to me instead.