Control

I seem to be having a better grasp on the control of my panic attacks with the use of my rescue meds. I call them rescue meds because that's what it pretty much does; rescues me. Only downside is it completely fuzzes my mind over to where I become "zombie-like"; I become very tired.

I believe this because the past few days have been a true trial to test my abilities; especially yesterday.

Since I heard the news of my cousin passing last Wednesday, I have had a whirlwind of emotions attaching to new thoughts. New thoughts for a new tragedy in my life. It may seem on the surface that I am having a hard time dealing with his death; in a small way I am. It's not about me though. It's about my cousin's parents and his sister and brother he had left behind; about his nephews and niece too. My heart aches the most for them.

Yesterday family gathered to help put together the photo collages for the funeral the next day. Although it was nice seeing just how many photos my cousin blessed us with, it was very bittersweet. If I can learn anything about strength in the loss of my own son, it's from my cousin's immediate family. I admire the strength my aunt has especially. She always has been a strong woman, this I know, but I haven't been able to see it in it's truest form until now. I understand life can go on.

Only some days I still get those feelings where I just don't care...

In time. Time heals right? This is something I am supposed to be working on for myself'; the control of my emotions and flashbacks of losing Elijah. It seems to be a very slow process. I do not like slow. I rather it be an overnight thing. Wake up and be "cured" from what feels like a disease slowing eating away at my happiness and self will.

Losing Elijah has been the hardest thing I have ever done. I miss his touch and the sound of his coos. I am afraid of forgetting those things. I am afraid of forgetting him. Maybe this is the reason I am having a hard time moving on? If I move on, I cannot take him with me; or at least it feels that way.

To my dear cousin, my friend and brother in Christ, you have always been amazingly wonderful with small children. I ask you, with the help of my friend Danica as well, please stay with my Elijah. Please teach him about me so that when he is reunited with his mommy, he may already know me.

Until then, rest in peace. In my heart you stay forever...