Faith's Lodge

Last week Andy and I spent almost an entire week away from Paighton. We finally got to go to Faith's Lodge in Danbury, Wisconsin. We enjoyed a lot of alone time, as well as meeting new friends.

We took a little trip out on the paddle boat. Don't mind the dumb look on my face of "uhhh". The sun was very bright!! I like this picture because the sun rays glowing on us reminds me of our little guy in Heaven, making sure our paddle boat date was just perfect! However... the humor side if me... when I see this, I hear some kind of Beavis and Butt-Head noise coming from my mouth. I just can't take nice pictures. I'm such a weirdo!

During our time spent there, we had a lot of time to reflect on and think of our son Elijah. More time than we have ever had for a long time. It was nice for a change, however I keep having a lingering feeling I haven't had before; or that I haven't paid attention to at least. It wasn't until tonight that I could put my finger on it.

This feeling is hard to describe, but I will do my best. Let's back up a bit, to 2 years ago when Elijah was first diagnosed, born, died, and celebrated his 1st birthday without him. I was a train wreck, without the tracks; as if I would plow through anything and anyone without a warning. I cried all the time. I screamed all the time.

Now come back to present day. I am OK. That is a strange feeling...  I am OK.

Being at Faith's Lodge and meeting other parents who have lost their babies all too soon and in such tragic ways (as if there is an un-tragic way to lose a baby?? - not!) it brought me back to how I used to feel. I compared it to how I feel now and its not the same. Their hurt is very new, fresh cut in their hearts. Mine has a 2 year old scab on it.

Am I a bad mommy for not crying over Elijah any more?

I do once in awhile. Usually it takes a lot, like someone else's sad story. Or if I hear my husband repeat the events aloud. Just hearing if from him hurts the most.

I just cant shake this feeling; yet the flip side is I also feel like I am still in limbo. Like I am just waiting for someone to knock on my front door and hand me a 2-year old. Our life has not really continued, more so just stayed the same. But I am OK? I am so confused, none of this is making any sense to me.

Also, while we were at Faith's Lodge, I received an email from a mother, pregnant with a little baby girl named Lucy Rose. She is 32 weeks along, and was diagnosed with Triploidy at 17 weeks. I really hate Triploidy. I wish we could have been assigned a different card...one with actual hope for life. Triploidy just sucks in all forms...I wish there was hope. But when it turned my world upside down, and then had the nerve to threaten my own life, I made it my enemy.

I hate being a bringer of bad news when someone has already received it and reaches out to me for hope. I have no hope to offer... I have a lot of support in any decisions they make for themselves and babies... but those first few emails back and forth...are tough.

Triploidy sucks...

Please pray for Lucy Rose and her mommy, Jeanene and the rest of her family. Funny thing too...she has a 3-year old brother, living...named Elijah...

On a lighter note, I received a thank you card in the mail today from New Beginnings - the organization where we donate Elijah's birthday presents too. It was nice to see that we are doing something to honor his birth each year. Even if it is small and simple. We didn't receive a card last year, so it was a very nice surprise to get one this year.

So... looking forward onto this week, Saturday will be mine and Andy's 5-year anniversary. I think this time we are going to celebrate it with Paighton. Usually we get a sitter and spend some alone time, but Paighton is just as much part of this marriage as we two are together. We are a family. So, I think we are going to head up to Duluth and take him to see a real-sized Thomas the Train and go for a train ride. I am so excited!! I have never been on a train ride (expect for the light rail in the cities - but that's not the same). So what better way for a first time, than with a little guy who is very much obsessed with trains?!

In saying good night now, I send hugs and prayers of comfort for our new friends at Faith's Lodge:
Kelly and Dennis - Jordyn
Jenny and Adam - Cooper
Mary and Ryan - Mac
Melanie and Sunny - Eliana
Charlotte and Dan - Landen
Deanna and Paul - Devon

May you always feel the warm embrace from your sweet babies when you most need it, and learn how to share your babies lives with the world around you so that we all may become better people because of them. God bless you always - thank you for sharing with me and Andy - you are all forever in our hearts.

Thank you Melanie and Sunny for writing our son's name on the beach. Just knowing he was in your mind for a moment, means that he was real and his life matters. Thank you for acknowledging him. Not very many people in my life do that. Maybe they are afraid of reminding me , or making me sad... I don't know. Just... THANK YOU!

Good night my sweet baby boy - Elijah - Mommy's little prince charming. May you come rescue me in my dreams tonight.

Love tenderly,
Mommy

Well, hello Stranger!

Wow. What can I say, other than wow? It sure has been a very long while since I have last written anything. Publicly anyways.

My life has changed so much, and once I just thought it was about set and on it's way, it changed again!

June 15th was my last day working at the bank I've been at for almost five years (I was two months shy of my five year mark). It was a very sad, yet joyous day.

I remember the day my son Paighton was born. I wanted to stay home with him so bad. However, finacially, it just wasn't feasible. It really isnt for most families these days. Then after the birth, and death, of our son Elijah, the thought of being a stay-at-home mom became even more of heavy steel chains tugging at my heart.

Though, I hear it all the time, and brush it off, but my eyes are becoming more focused, and my mind more open to entertain the thought... the thought that "everything happens for a reason". Perhaps I was a stay-at-home mom during those first two years as I grieved over Elijah, I certainly can admit it would have been more diffucult. You see, at work I had great people to talk to, surprise me with flowers and coffee dates. I was with family; and my other son, Paighton was at daycare playing and having fun. He didn't have to see mommy hurt all the time. It's a bummer he had to see any of it at all. I cant take away, or change the past; he saw and heard what he saw and heard.

I am glad Paighton knows of his brother Elijah. He talks about him all the time. A fake babydoll we gave him for Christmas (in preparation for Elijah's arrival), Paighton named.... Elijah. I hear him talk in his room alone, and when I ask who he is talking to, he frankly states"oh that's just my baby brother Elijah". The first couple times, it sent shivers throughout my body. Now it calms me, and brightens my soul with a very big, warm smile.

I knew it was the right time for me to stay home. I felt it deep within me, however weird that may sound, I just did.

So now I am on my third week of my stay-at-home mom role. It sure has been hard getting used to. I havent really found a routine yet. And Paighton and I have been getting on each other's nerves. Everyday though he still tells me it makes him so happy that I dont have to go to work. We just have to get used to being with each other 24/7. It's kind of like an older couple in their first years of retirement. What now? Well... for starters....let's get to know each other better.

Also with the added extra time I have, I have been writing more often. Like I mentioned earlier, not all of it is public. I hope that maybe some day it will be, but for now it is just for me. I really enjoy having a place I can go and let my thoughts flow as fast as my hand can keep up. Only downfall is when I go back to re-read anything I wrote, I cant translate my own handwritting. I huge "thank you" to technolgy and the advancement of the human race: I love my laptop!

On another note, I wanted to... but for many reasons didnt...write on Elijah's 2nd birthday this year. It was May 31st. I came here, often duing that week, on the day, and even a couple days after to write, but I just stared at the blank white box where text is supposed to be entered; my hands just couldnt move. My fingers laid motionless on the keyboard; as if they were touching a mousetrap waiting to snap if I dared to even twitch.

I dont know, or understand why today is different, but it is. I feel more free to share than I did in the days approaching and succeding his birthday.

The day of his birthday, we celebrated with a delicious dinner at one of mine and Andy's favorite restaurants. We invited only parents, and of course our friends form Sustaining Grace. Just like last year, everyone brought Elijah a birthday gift in which was donated in his memory to New Beginnings (a program home for pregnant teen girls and teen moms and their newborns). My mother-in-law even brought individually planted Forget-Me-Nots in tiny little tin buckets for Elijah's birthday guests to take home and plant. It was a wonderful, and hearfilled surprise. I have mine planted with the rest of my flowers. Here is a little peak of the flowers on the table..... 

Paighton in the picture was not too happy Grandma had the camera out! He is so shy from cameras and video, yet I will catch him alone watching his own videos I happened to sneak, and he reenacts them all, bit by bit! Oh yeah, and I wasn't paying attention! Oh well! At least the flowers were good looking.

After Elijah's birthday celebration, I went down to the cities for the weekend to celebrate our dear friend, Danica's birthday. Even though many years have passed without having her here with us, I miss her a lot and have a lot of regrets for not being there with her more while she was alive. We really just cant take life for granted because no matter a peron's age, baby or young adult, life can be taken away in a blink of an eye.

For Danica, we sent her bithday wishes written on balloons and released them into the sky towards Heaven. Here is an amazing shot of us walking down to our usual spot...

Afterwards, my husband told Danica's mom that he sent Danica some demands to follow. She laughed. Sadly, Andy didnt really get to know Danica. He met her once, but it sure was enough for her to leave a mark on him. She always had a certain thing about her that made people notice. She was one of the nicest, and most loving persons i have known. She certainly was the most tolerant for nonsense. And by nonsense, I really mean me.

I have another thing I would like to share. Something I have been holding onto for awhile but I just happened to look at the time and I said to myself "HOLY FISH STICKS!" I really got to get some sleep! And I know that this next thing that I want to share, well, it is going to require another hour or more for sure. It will be by far, more difficult that sharing a story, or pictures, of Elijah.

So until then...Goodnight!