Three years and counting.

Today marks the day. My husband and I have been married for three years. Now that may not be very long, however, it feels longer than just three years. Possibly because we have known each other long before and moved in to share an apartment during our college years.

I credit our dating and living together before marriage to our happy marriage. I strongly believe that. Most people who get married then move in together have never had to share personal space with anyone except parents and siblings; maybe the occasional roommate not intended for marriage. Your personal space is yours. Your tube of toothpaste. Your closet. Your television shows. Now throw in marriage and you and your partner have to learn to share. You learn each others quirks, whether endearing or just pure annoying.

My husband and I learned that, yes, we can live together forever, before we got married. I hear all the time of failed relationships and marriages. I promised myself I would never fall to that statistic. I come from a family of divorce, why would I want to relive my childhood nightmare and subject someone I love to it as well? The first year of a marriage, I believe, is the toughest. We did all of our fighting the first year and a half, enough to last us a lifetime.

The fighting wasn't necessarily fighting. It was more like bickering. I squeeze my tube of toothpaste from the middle, but I always even it out when I am finished. I also close the cap all the way to unsure I don't have a messy end. There is nothing more disgusting than seeing a toothpaste tube with dried up leftover toothpaste stuck to the cap. Now my husband's tube on the other hand is a different story. Complete opposite from mine. He attacks his tube. I smile now, but when we were 20 years of age I couldn't get over it for the life of me. I couldn't change his behavior and he couldn't change mine either. Solution: separate tubes of toothpaste. Solved! We haven't been happier since. I know it sounds silly, but all people would be able to find something in their own life that irritates them to insanity, and be able to laugh at it.

Being we have lived together for so long, and I really cannot find anything in our marriage that needs improvement or change other than we just need more babies, I feel like we are an old married couple. There is nothing left to fight about, to bicker about, or learn about. We know everything about each other. The mystery is gone. We know how to get along, and say sorry if need be. We have gone through everything a couple could together; dating, college, career changes, marriage, children, new house with giant mortgage attached, death of a child. What else is there to do?

We really had hoped to be able to go to Duluth for our anniversary. I love kayaking and he has never gone. He has also fell in love with the North Shore just recently and wants to go camping every weekend. Unfortunately reality is always there keeping us grounded; bills. It is so hurtful when you see medical bills come through the mail for your son that is no longer living. I expected more financial responsibilities when we got pregnant with Elijah, but we also expected to take him home and watch him grow into a beautiful boy and then a man. All of the money we had been saving for daycare and diapers is all gone from many specialty doctor appointments then our week long hospitalization when Elijah was born. It also went towards gas and food expenses since we had to drive to Minneapolis and Maple Grove for everything. I just feel so stressed out about money. I called Abbott's billing department to see if I could get on a payment plan for mine and Elijah's bill. What does she send me in the mail? Some stupid application for a line of credit with an 8% APR. Thanks a lot lady. I called to ask for help, not a way to spend more money! That is not fair. I wasn't looking for a handout, just a little more time.

So I am unsure of what today will be like. Probably like any other day, just a Wednesday. It's such a bummer that my husband has to work today. It would be nice to do nothing together. We both have a lot to do of our own, but to be able to do nothing, together, would be ideal.

I love my husband dearly. I guess what I am sad about is that we do not get as much time together as I want. If I had it my way, we both would work from home and make our own hours. I just really miss him... A lot... I also miss Elijah. I cried myself to sleep last night. I thought about how today could have been so much better with the four of us. My entire family together.

I wish Elijah could see and know his daddy and why I love him so much...