World of Hate

Is it wrong of me to be so angry at the world right now?

I try my best to always be a good person and respect everyone regardless if they deserve it or not. Regardless of my mood at the time.

Lately, I have been walking around with such an attitude. Although most people cannot tell; they think I am tired. That is usually the excuse I play it off as.

I just don't want to be seen by anyone. I want to hide away again for just a little bit at the very least. I volunteer for an organization called Junior Achievement, teaching 1st graders the meaning of financial literacy. I didn't even want to go today. I am so irritable. It was a good thing I went because there are these three boys I just adore. They get me excited for what my son may be like himself once he hits first grade. Then I start thinking of how I will never know about my other son... he is dead...

It hurts so bad to say that; my son is dead. It is the truth though and I cant change it. I seem to keep going in a circle of emotions. The hardest ones to relive are denial and shock. I am so shocked that my son is not here with me. So much so, I deny it.

I can tell when someone is thinking of their own babies they left behind at daycare for the day; knowing its just a few hours away until cuddle time. Their eyes smile. I can almost hear their heart flutter. Mine feels like a rock. I am happy for them, but so envious at the same time. I am secretly mad at them for having what was taken from me so quickly and without any conditions. I didn't have a choice even if there was anything I could do about it. I start to think self-righteous thoughts and then the attitude sets in. My mother or husband usually sets me straight again, but a few days later it will only come back again.

People have always told me that things like this will only make you a better and stronger person. Well, that's a load of crap.

The only person who had actual decency to be truthful and blunt was a co-worker of my husband's. He told us, "it will tear you apart". And is has.

Losing someone is to lose someone. How do you lose something you never had to begin with? I never got to spend time with Elijah; only to sit there and feel his kicks, punches, and somersaults within me. That was the only interaction I got to have with him. I didn't even get to spend time with him when he was born because I lost myself in the moment and then was knocked out by the doctors and didn't wake up till past midnight. He had already gone by then.

When I think of what it might have been like during the exact moment of Elijah passing, I get so PISSED that I wasn't the one holding him. Not even his own daddy at least. I try to picture my mother sitting in small pale room by herself holding my sweet baby boy. Then I wonder what it might have felt for her, worrying about the life of her daughter all the while the life of her daughter's baby is slipping away.

IT IS NOT FAIR!

NO BODY should have to lose a baby, regardless of age. Why are we put on this earth only to wait around and die?

I just don't know what to write about anymore tonight; I am way too upset to even think straight. I have begun rambling....