Letter to Elijah

My Dear Son, Elijah,

As the days pass, there is never a moment I don't think about you. You are always on my mind. I find myself needing to talk about you in order to feel you. To feel you is to feel alive. When I am away from my family, I feel dead inside. You, I can carry with where ever I may go.

Your big brother, Paighton, is now two years old. I see a lot of you in him. He helps me get through lonely nights when I need you most. He will come into my room and jump on your teddy bear that sacredly holds the sound of your heart. We bounce and dance on the bed to its rhythm. I move to the beat of your heart everyday as the sound replays in my head at work.

I recently had surgery again. I was nervous, not knowing how I would handle surgery after loosing you. The smell and sounds of the surgical center brought back erie feelings. I was calmed as I drifted off to sleep, thinking of and praying that God would give us time together. He did. Danica brought you to see me. You seemed so happy. You looked like you were already a toddler yourself; mirror images of your big brother. It was so short lived though. When I woke up and saw your daddy, I knew you were gone again. My heart ache to see you more.

People try to tell me that everything happens for a reason. I am still trying to figure that out. I do see and understand some things, but deep down inside I want to refuse it. I rather you be here with me than any other 'good' that is supposed to be.

Without you, I wouldn't have certain relationships that I do. now Some are clearer and more appreciated, while others still confuse me. All I ever want is to be loved. Why that never seems to happen no matter how hard I try is beyond me. I just have to keep reminding myself, I can only control myself and not others. For whatever they think or feel, it is not within my means to understand. In time, maybe, in time those that I love will see it and come around to love me back.

I also think about the reality of me ever being able to have more children. After losing you, I am afraid of loving any more. I fear all my love has been claimed for by you and your brother. I fear that I may not be a good mother because I am so angry I have lost you.

I had told someone at work once that I may never be able to get pregnant again anyways. She scolded me by saying "if that were true, you would have had that hysterectomy. You didn't, so you will have another baby". Her philosophy may be right; and of course it should be. She too has lost babies on more than one occasion. My heart aches for her, but I see how happy she is with her beautiful babies that would not have been born had it not been for those that were lost. Her babies now were her "good reason" in life.

Elijah, you brought me closer to people I thought would never love me no matter how hard I tried. You helped me to take down those annoying self-protective walls, if not all the way, at least a little to make it easier to climb over. You made my friendships mean more than just friends; we are sisters. You reminded me that your daddy is not just my husband; he is my best friend. You live everyday within your big brother.

My sweet baby Elijah. I miss you so much.

Love dearly, Your Mommy