Baby #... 5?

Tonight brings lots of excitement, hope, worry, fear, and an endless list of self-asked questions.

Yes, we are pregnant.

Last October I promptly shared the great news to all that Baby # 3 was coming soon. I was so happy and excited, I wrote those words on my driveway using my 4 year old's chalk and took a picture to share. But as I wrote the number "3", I felt off.

Baby #3. I only have one kid. He is 4, but then there was Elijah. He was a baby (Baby #2). He didn't live past 3 hours, but was still here. Very much as real as you and I. He is still a baby in my heart and my mind every day. But he isn't here to see and hold everyday. Sometimes I feel so hurt by that, that I don't want to include him in the official kid count. Is that wrong of me? It's certainly something I am working on; and get better at but still i get tripped up by those random people..."who many kids do you have?" ONE!, I blurt out. It's my way of shielding myself of having to explain the story to anyone I do not know, or just rubs me the wrong way.

But what a lot of people that heard the Baby #3 news in October, do not know this... it was actually Baby #4. Three months prior, in July, we took a trip to Faith's Lodge in Danbury, WI. It was a retreat for bereaved parents for a chance in whatever a person wanted: hope, to recharge, to reflect, to remember, to cry, to laugh. Whatever the moment called for, that is what we did. And we all did it together. It was an experience only we know as we made friends and created bonds (and inside jokes). Sadly, on our 2nd night there, we ended up having to drive to the ER. I was miscarrying. But since I was so early on, they just sent me home (after an exam making sure I was ok). I was so upset, yet oddly relieved. We hadn't told anyone we were pregnant so there wasn't any news to tell anyone we lost it. You can't loose what you never had.

But I was relieved. Relieved that I wasn't father along in a pregnancy I wasn't meant to have. I was relieved I didn't have to give birth to another "Elijah", hold him, kiss him, and wake up to find him dead. I thank God for not putting me through that horror story again.

So the miscarriage I never told anyone from July, prompted me to be more anxious about telling people in October. I told myself "It still counts". I want to be happy, and I deserve to be happy about it. We told everyone a few days after we found out. Two days after we told people, I miscarried. I was more upset about the fact that I still had people saying congrats as I was trying to keep up with taking it back and explaining that no, I was not longer pregnant. Whatever I guess.

So now I come to tonight, and the news of having a baby, that may or may not stick around. I guess it is in God's master plan if I am meant for this, this time around.

I still can't help to think that i have been pregnant four times (now tonight is five) and I only have one living child today. Although I think about it, I am not angry. i am frustrated, as a person would be in attempting to jump on a pogo stick. Frustrated with a giant dose of determination. I say to myself, "I will succeed!"

I just know I am meant to have more kids. It is in my blood, in my family history, in my heart. I have dreams in my sleep seeing my family of (oh I don't know how many exactly) a lot running a muck in the house. To the outside world it looks like chaos; dirty house, marker on the wall, boys pulling the girls' hair, and the girls flushing the boys' army guys down the toilets, hence creating the flood even Moses himself would be afraid to touch!. But in my eyes I see them creating the world amongst themselves. I see stories of pirates come to life as they stand on top of the couch holding onto a soup ladle. I see generosity as they fight and learn how to share. I see compassion as they stick up for each other, and even attempt to hide the truth from me as I interrogate them to find out who really flushed the army guys down the toilets.

I grew up in chaos. Loud noises. Rowdy boys and whiny girls. I like full houses. I just do not understand smaller families. Those seem foreign to me, and even more clicky and "VIP to enter". Geez, it's pretty much impossible to not only have, but sustain a relationship. My experiences only I guess. I am sure there are lots of small families that work best in their own way. I wont ever understand it though.

I am determined to have a large family. And if that means that I, myself, cannot bear them all, I will adopt. I will foster. With the help of God, I will find a way. My aunt has shown me this is possible as long as you have the will to do it. She is an inspiration to me. I am very proud of her.

Children bring wonders to life. They bring out qualities and ideas in yourself that you never thought you had, hiding deep inside. Children are all so different too. They are like snowflakes; not one is the same as the other. Even twins, and I know this for a fact!!

Having a child is such a blessing. I love the feeling of being pregnant; even the icky feelings too! I know it's all part of the good things to come.

My hopes for this pregnancy, whatever number I decide to call it, is that it goes according to God's plan. I am working on taking the responsibility out of my hands and placing them into God's. I failed to realize this the last few times. Here I thought it was all mine and my husband's doing. It is not. I need to remind myself of that.

But I can always help of course...will lots of yummy foods and spoiled pampering from my husband!




To my Baby Elijah,
I miss you so very much. I hope that you celebrated the most wonderful Christmas up in Heaven. Your big brother Paighton talked about you, and sang Happy Birthday to Jesus, knowing He is taking good care of you and mommy's friend Danica. He is such a smart little guy. He remembers all our friends in Heaven and likes to talk about them often; especially you. You are his favorite.

Mommy and Daddy love you. Until then...sending hugs and kisses up to you...

Faith's Lodge

Last week Andy and I spent almost an entire week away from Paighton. We finally got to go to Faith's Lodge in Danbury, Wisconsin. We enjoyed a lot of alone time, as well as meeting new friends.

We took a little trip out on the paddle boat. Don't mind the dumb look on my face of "uhhh". The sun was very bright!! I like this picture because the sun rays glowing on us reminds me of our little guy in Heaven, making sure our paddle boat date was just perfect! However... the humor side if me... when I see this, I hear some kind of Beavis and Butt-Head noise coming from my mouth. I just can't take nice pictures. I'm such a weirdo!

During our time spent there, we had a lot of time to reflect on and think of our son Elijah. More time than we have ever had for a long time. It was nice for a change, however I keep having a lingering feeling I haven't had before; or that I haven't paid attention to at least. It wasn't until tonight that I could put my finger on it.

This feeling is hard to describe, but I will do my best. Let's back up a bit, to 2 years ago when Elijah was first diagnosed, born, died, and celebrated his 1st birthday without him. I was a train wreck, without the tracks; as if I would plow through anything and anyone without a warning. I cried all the time. I screamed all the time.

Now come back to present day. I am OK. That is a strange feeling...  I am OK.

Being at Faith's Lodge and meeting other parents who have lost their babies all too soon and in such tragic ways (as if there is an un-tragic way to lose a baby?? - not!) it brought me back to how I used to feel. I compared it to how I feel now and its not the same. Their hurt is very new, fresh cut in their hearts. Mine has a 2 year old scab on it.

Am I a bad mommy for not crying over Elijah any more?

I do once in awhile. Usually it takes a lot, like someone else's sad story. Or if I hear my husband repeat the events aloud. Just hearing if from him hurts the most.

I just cant shake this feeling; yet the flip side is I also feel like I am still in limbo. Like I am just waiting for someone to knock on my front door and hand me a 2-year old. Our life has not really continued, more so just stayed the same. But I am OK? I am so confused, none of this is making any sense to me.

Also, while we were at Faith's Lodge, I received an email from a mother, pregnant with a little baby girl named Lucy Rose. She is 32 weeks along, and was diagnosed with Triploidy at 17 weeks. I really hate Triploidy. I wish we could have been assigned a different card...one with actual hope for life. Triploidy just sucks in all forms...I wish there was hope. But when it turned my world upside down, and then had the nerve to threaten my own life, I made it my enemy.

I hate being a bringer of bad news when someone has already received it and reaches out to me for hope. I have no hope to offer... I have a lot of support in any decisions they make for themselves and babies... but those first few emails back and forth...are tough.

Triploidy sucks...

Please pray for Lucy Rose and her mommy, Jeanene and the rest of her family. Funny thing too...she has a 3-year old brother, living...named Elijah...

On a lighter note, I received a thank you card in the mail today from New Beginnings - the organization where we donate Elijah's birthday presents too. It was nice to see that we are doing something to honor his birth each year. Even if it is small and simple. We didn't receive a card last year, so it was a very nice surprise to get one this year.

So... looking forward onto this week, Saturday will be mine and Andy's 5-year anniversary. I think this time we are going to celebrate it with Paighton. Usually we get a sitter and spend some alone time, but Paighton is just as much part of this marriage as we two are together. We are a family. So, I think we are going to head up to Duluth and take him to see a real-sized Thomas the Train and go for a train ride. I am so excited!! I have never been on a train ride (expect for the light rail in the cities - but that's not the same). So what better way for a first time, than with a little guy who is very much obsessed with trains?!

In saying good night now, I send hugs and prayers of comfort for our new friends at Faith's Lodge:
Kelly and Dennis - Jordyn
Jenny and Adam - Cooper
Mary and Ryan - Mac
Melanie and Sunny - Eliana
Charlotte and Dan - Landen
Deanna and Paul - Devon

May you always feel the warm embrace from your sweet babies when you most need it, and learn how to share your babies lives with the world around you so that we all may become better people because of them. God bless you always - thank you for sharing with me and Andy - you are all forever in our hearts.

Thank you Melanie and Sunny for writing our son's name on the beach. Just knowing he was in your mind for a moment, means that he was real and his life matters. Thank you for acknowledging him. Not very many people in my life do that. Maybe they are afraid of reminding me , or making me sad... I don't know. Just... THANK YOU!

Good night my sweet baby boy - Elijah - Mommy's little prince charming. May you come rescue me in my dreams tonight.

Love tenderly,
Mommy

Well, hello Stranger!

Wow. What can I say, other than wow? It sure has been a very long while since I have last written anything. Publicly anyways.

My life has changed so much, and once I just thought it was about set and on it's way, it changed again!

June 15th was my last day working at the bank I've been at for almost five years (I was two months shy of my five year mark). It was a very sad, yet joyous day.

I remember the day my son Paighton was born. I wanted to stay home with him so bad. However, finacially, it just wasn't feasible. It really isnt for most families these days. Then after the birth, and death, of our son Elijah, the thought of being a stay-at-home mom became even more of heavy steel chains tugging at my heart.

Though, I hear it all the time, and brush it off, but my eyes are becoming more focused, and my mind more open to entertain the thought... the thought that "everything happens for a reason". Perhaps I was a stay-at-home mom during those first two years as I grieved over Elijah, I certainly can admit it would have been more diffucult. You see, at work I had great people to talk to, surprise me with flowers and coffee dates. I was with family; and my other son, Paighton was at daycare playing and having fun. He didn't have to see mommy hurt all the time. It's a bummer he had to see any of it at all. I cant take away, or change the past; he saw and heard what he saw and heard.

I am glad Paighton knows of his brother Elijah. He talks about him all the time. A fake babydoll we gave him for Christmas (in preparation for Elijah's arrival), Paighton named.... Elijah. I hear him talk in his room alone, and when I ask who he is talking to, he frankly states"oh that's just my baby brother Elijah". The first couple times, it sent shivers throughout my body. Now it calms me, and brightens my soul with a very big, warm smile.

I knew it was the right time for me to stay home. I felt it deep within me, however weird that may sound, I just did.

So now I am on my third week of my stay-at-home mom role. It sure has been hard getting used to. I havent really found a routine yet. And Paighton and I have been getting on each other's nerves. Everyday though he still tells me it makes him so happy that I dont have to go to work. We just have to get used to being with each other 24/7. It's kind of like an older couple in their first years of retirement. What now? Well... for starters....let's get to know each other better.

Also with the added extra time I have, I have been writing more often. Like I mentioned earlier, not all of it is public. I hope that maybe some day it will be, but for now it is just for me. I really enjoy having a place I can go and let my thoughts flow as fast as my hand can keep up. Only downfall is when I go back to re-read anything I wrote, I cant translate my own handwritting. I huge "thank you" to technolgy and the advancement of the human race: I love my laptop!

On another note, I wanted to... but for many reasons didnt...write on Elijah's 2nd birthday this year. It was May 31st. I came here, often duing that week, on the day, and even a couple days after to write, but I just stared at the blank white box where text is supposed to be entered; my hands just couldnt move. My fingers laid motionless on the keyboard; as if they were touching a mousetrap waiting to snap if I dared to even twitch.

I dont know, or understand why today is different, but it is. I feel more free to share than I did in the days approaching and succeding his birthday.

The day of his birthday, we celebrated with a delicious dinner at one of mine and Andy's favorite restaurants. We invited only parents, and of course our friends form Sustaining Grace. Just like last year, everyone brought Elijah a birthday gift in which was donated in his memory to New Beginnings (a program home for pregnant teen girls and teen moms and their newborns). My mother-in-law even brought individually planted Forget-Me-Nots in tiny little tin buckets for Elijah's birthday guests to take home and plant. It was a wonderful, and hearfilled surprise. I have mine planted with the rest of my flowers. Here is a little peak of the flowers on the table..... 

Paighton in the picture was not too happy Grandma had the camera out! He is so shy from cameras and video, yet I will catch him alone watching his own videos I happened to sneak, and he reenacts them all, bit by bit! Oh yeah, and I wasn't paying attention! Oh well! At least the flowers were good looking.

After Elijah's birthday celebration, I went down to the cities for the weekend to celebrate our dear friend, Danica's birthday. Even though many years have passed without having her here with us, I miss her a lot and have a lot of regrets for not being there with her more while she was alive. We really just cant take life for granted because no matter a peron's age, baby or young adult, life can be taken away in a blink of an eye.

For Danica, we sent her bithday wishes written on balloons and released them into the sky towards Heaven. Here is an amazing shot of us walking down to our usual spot...

Afterwards, my husband told Danica's mom that he sent Danica some demands to follow. She laughed. Sadly, Andy didnt really get to know Danica. He met her once, but it sure was enough for her to leave a mark on him. She always had a certain thing about her that made people notice. She was one of the nicest, and most loving persons i have known. She certainly was the most tolerant for nonsense. And by nonsense, I really mean me.

I have another thing I would like to share. Something I have been holding onto for awhile but I just happened to look at the time and I said to myself "HOLY FISH STICKS!" I really got to get some sleep! And I know that this next thing that I want to share, well, it is going to require another hour or more for sure. It will be by far, more difficult that sharing a story, or pictures, of Elijah.

So until then...Goodnight!