It is our choice, a decision to be made again and again every day, if our opponent is to be our teammate. To work right along side us as an equal. That then leads into another choice, the decision if our opponent-turned-teammate is to become labeled as more or less than ourselves. Don't fool yourself, everyone does it. It is human nature, when we hear or see someone doing or saying something we view as horrible, we take a rhetorical peg on our board and knock them down below our own peg. It works the other way too. We, as humans, automatically put people of certain types on the rhetoric board of pegs, higher, much higher than our own peg. This is done without even knowing the person. How can that even be? Without knowing someone?
If we really knew anyone, I mean really know them in the way God knows us, there would be no board or pegs. We are all equal. Then why social status? Why the status of education, religion, or even convenience? Here is what I mean...
Take Monopoly for example. The amount of property and money you have places you as a higher status then your opponents in the game. This works for real life as well. People seem so impressed with big fancy houses and a fat pocket. What does that say about the person who holds that in his hands? How many people's pegs did he have to knock down to get "up there"?
The game operation comes to mind. The steadier your hand, the better operator you are. How does one doctor become better than the next in real life? How many opponents in his life did he have to knock down? I would rather think how many lives did he save in ratio to those lost. You cant save everyone, but you can make choices, the decision to save and act upon it. You can say "it is not over, until it is over".
I am saying, it isn't over until it is over. I was told my baby's spine is 100% open; head to butt. This was a 'guess' from a 2D picture using sound waves. Then I was told, no, it isn't, just the lower sacral lumbar area. Again, using the same technique. So who is right? Which doctor is better than the other? I say the best doctor is whom choose "it isn't over, till its over". Now I am being told my baby is Triploidy. Well, in reality, yes, I have been told that. But I have only been told that for the first 3 pairs or chromosomes. The "full" picture of the amnio test results have not been completed yet. Below is a chromosome picture of a "normal" human. I am being very vague, by the way. I am not a geneticist...
A normal person gets 46 chromosomes: 23 from dad (sperm) and 23 from mom (egg). The last pair, which is the 23rd, decides the gender of our babies. With full triploidy, every single one of the 23 pairs gets a extra chromosome, resulting in 69 total chromosomes. Below is a picture of a "full triploidy" human.
Now, my point... I have been running into another term called Diploid Triploid, also known as Mosaic Triploidy. For someone who studies numbers and not biology, like me, this is obviously easy to disregard when looking for your own answers. I cannot rely on doctors only, I have to become my own opponent and teammate in the game of life. I do math, not science. Mosaic Triploidy is when some of the 23 pairs are normal and some have 3 chromosomes. I have mentioned before of a 24-year old man that has triploidy and he is still living. He has Mosaic Triploidy. I have been finding more and more children with the mosaic version. For the most part, and from what I know and understand, they live normal lives with a few adjustments. They seem happy in pictures, they are beautiful with their families and older/younger siblings. Their parents are happy.
I want to be happy. I have not received the full amnio test results yet. I am still waiting. But even then, am I going to be satisfied and content with them? I am praying for Mosaic Triploidy. I know that sounds odd, why would I pray for such a thing? But from what I am seeing and understanding mosaic has a better chance, and chance of quality even, at life. It isn't over until it is over. Over equals the death of my baby. I still have hope. Miracles can happen...
I have an uncle that when he was in his 20s, was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma. He was told he had about 3-5 months to live. He refused treatment, and basically made the choice to live the rest of his short life "well" instead of "sick" from treatments. He is alive today; in his 40s. I never knew this about him until about a week ago when my two aunts were trying to make a point, trying to make me see that miracles happen all around us everyday and we don't even know it. My uncle played the game of life. Although he may be winning now, someday, he will cross the finish line. Possibly happier, slower, yet wiser, but finished. We all have to finish our game someday. Where we place our peg, and effect those pegs around us, will always make a determination in how our game is played.
Some pieces are placed by strategy. We go to school, then college, maybe volunteer in our community. All these things and those that are similar are conscience choices we can control. We decide when, where, and how long. Some moves in life are solely by risk. We make the decision to move our peg in a manner we cannot control. Remember that really cool tattoo you thought you would love forever and ever? Well, I played and I lost, kind of. I got a tattoo in honor of a person. It didn't work out; now no person and a really annoying tattoo. This is a very innocent teenager thing; head over heals in love. It didn't stop me from finding my true love; my husband. What about those who get tattoos and then now are fighting for their life because of a dirty needle? You cannot control everything! You can control who you marry, but you cannot control that person alone. The person you marry is your teammate, yet can also be an opponent in your game of life. It is your choice which role your spouse plays.
Then there are moves in the game of life that you do not make, you cannot control, you do not even see it coming. Chutes N Ladders was always fun. The excitement of rolling the dice, not knowing what number it will add up to when it finally stops spinning on the board. Your opponent counts them up, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, ... He moves his person 5 pieces. Going up... and up...and up. He stops, at the top of a slide; down he does.... What a shame. So does he just stop there and say "I quit!"? No. He waits for his next moves, rolls again, and moves on. We as parents have the responsibility to teach out children that it is okay to fall down, more than once even. It is okay if we have to take a few steps back in order to get ahead. It is okay, as long as we keep going. We have to get up, brush off the dirt, and move on.
Sounds easy right? Well how is a person to move on knowing that there are more slides ahead, and chance might have its way and we would fall victim to it all over again? Maybe if we knew of all of the slides that are relevant, those that will actually make us fall, we can better catch ourselves. Its those slides that magically appear right under our foot as we are about to take a step up. We don't see it coming, we over react. Ever pick up a close to empty milk jug that you were expecting to be full? Your arm swings it straight up and you almost hit yourself in the face; maybe you actually do hit yourself in the face. You overreact. Funny, but still tragic if someone saw you do it.
I feel right now that my life has entered the "charades" episode of the game. All these people, whose pegs are above mine, are overreacting, trying to make decisions for me. My job is to guess who they are, what role they play. It is confusing because I see them, but I cannot hear them. I see their mouths moving, but no sounds. I see the frustration on their face. We are becoming opponents; enemies in the game, and they do not even know me. I do not know them. Yet they feel they have some say, well, say that would actually provoke action, to determine where I place my own peg. I have asked people for their opinions, yes, I admit that. Therefore I cannot judge any of those who have done so. I do not judge them. I try to see it from their view, but I will place my own peg where I feel it should be placed. I ask those to return the favor; do not judge me, you do not know me.
The placement on my peg in regards to my precious unborn baby boy, Elijah, is not up to me. It is not my choice, although it is my decision. The decision of life; it is not over until it is over. Even though I am daily preparing myself for the death of my baby (my painful slide I may take) I am holding the dice in the palms of my hands as I shake them with all the strength I have. I close my eyes tightly to pray to God; hands still shaking and shaking. I am afraid to let go, for fear what might add up. Is my slide due next, or will I coast for now? The power of prayer may give me one more day of pregnancy. Elijah is extremely active, almost more than Paighton was, especially at this gestational age. The power of prayer may give me mosaic triploidy diagnosis instead of full triploidy. Again, the amnio test results are not yet finished. The doctors, who peg themselves above me, have already had their "oops" moment. I do not peg them above me in terms of knowing what is best for Elijah, but I do peg them above me in healing my Elijah. It is up to them to choose. What will their decision be? It is not over until it is over. Flat line.
Will the power of prayer give me a whole month, maybe a whole year, of holding my sweet Elijah in my arms, alive. What is better? Four Oreo cookies, or just one Oreo cookie? Easy right? Four. If only it were that easy....
An angel at work today gifted me the strength to continue praying. To not give up, just as I was becoming weak. Just as I was about to turn off the communication because I thought I had lost the signal. I thought I was talking to no one. She could not foresee my weakness, yet she made a move in her game of life not knowing it effects mine. Not only did she gift me strength to pray more and more, but also supported and encourages the belief that prayers do work. They are answered. Maybe not right away, like the flip of a light switch. Let there be light! No. My slide will come... but I have many people playing the game along side me, making their own moves, showing me that going forward is possible. Going forward matters to all those in the game, like my husband, my 20 month old son, my parents, and even Elijah. His life depends on my life.
I ask all of you to find your reason to pray, and pray. Pray that God guides you as you make choices, risks, and pure luck in your own game of life. Please be courteous of those playing, taking care not to knock down their peg; they might have a harder time getting up than you.
Tonight, I pray to You oh Lord, please bless me now with life. Amen.
