Emotional Rollercoaster

Today was supposed to be easy and relaxing. For the most part it was, but towards the evening I started to feel intense anxiety, frustration, sorrow, and a fueled hatred set in.

Here is where my feelings had fit in throughout the night.

Anxiety: I know that sometime tomorrow someone from Abbott with be calling me to set a date and time for me to be admitted and start the process to induce. The closer Monday comes, the more crazy my thoughts get.

Hatred: My dad had stopped in unexpectedly (he tried to call, I just didn't hear my phone). He is always making sure that he brings something for my sister and I. He worries about us still; naturally. He had brought cereals, granola bars, candy bars, and other food items. I love my dad very much and I appreciate him putting in so much effort and humbling himself for his grown adult children. Something I wish my sister could learn from. My sister lives 15 minutes away from me; my dad lives 1 hour and 30 minutes away from me. My dad and I tried to get my sister off her lazy butt to come visit for many reasons. Maybe dad would like to see his other daughter and his grandson who might not even know who he is anymore because of lack of visits. Maybe I could use some support, or whatever sisters are supposed to do when the other is having a hard time. Maybe also to pick up all this stuff our dad had left at my house because I told her given my life right now in planning for the death of my unborn child I will not be able to drop this crap off for her later. My house is NOT a drop-off point! Besides, where is my sister anyways? My ONLY sister!! When I am losing my baby, what the HELL is she doing? Sitting on her lazy butt smoking her life away with cigarettes, yet she never has money for gas to visit people who love her! WHATEVER! I have co-workers who care more about me, more about how I am doing and making sure that I smile everyday. I love my co-workers and miss work a lot, but I HATE that my own blood sister doesn't even think about me.

Frustration: I am feeling this for my physical limitations. I am trying my best to still be a mom to my child and a wife to my husband. I am trying to cook dinner, do dishes, visit with my dad, and so on. My back is killing me! My stomach turns a solid as a rock every 5-10 minutes, I feel like my uterus is falling out between my legs, my 3 week headache is still stronger than ever, I am just in so much pain and just plain uncomfortable. My dad said stop fussing over dinner just because he was there. I tried to explain to him, I am not cooking this dinner just because he was there, this is how we HAVE to cook. We have no other choice because of Paighton's food allergies. I wish I could do something quick and easy, like a pizza or Stouffer's frozen-whatever. But I cant. I have to cook from scratch every night. I have a really short fuse right now too. My son continues to hang on the oven door's handle (which fell off and I had to fix), and climbs on the table, standing in the middle clapping his hands. I am very proud of him that he is a big boy and can do that, but it is testing my patience right now.

Sorrow: After my dad had left for the night, my husband called his dad. I could over hear him talking on the phone; I knew exactly what they were talking about. My eyes started to swell as the conversation went on. I wasn't in any way ease dropping, he was in the same room as me. Yet I felt as one would feel when you know that the conversation at hand is about you. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience; watching as my life unraveled into pieces, pieces that could not be put back together even if you tried.

Awhile later, I called my mom and cousin to recap how my night went. I relived the hatred and sorrow part all over again, venting about my sister and whatever relationship we have, if we even have one; and crying about tomorrow. I am afraid to answer my phone for fear my nightmare will become reality. As far as I know, its not really until it happens. Maybe I will die in a car crash first then I wont have to go through all of this. Instead my baby and I can go to heaven together. Then I start to think of my son and husband; they always help bring my drifting mind back down to Earth. They are the only two reasons I do anything really.

I remember when I was 18. I lived kind of a reckless life. I wasn't into drugs or drinking, or anything like that. I just wanted to hang out with friends as long as my mind could stay awake from late nights of movies. Go shopping, sleep all day, be lazy and not have to do anything. I met my husband when I was 19. BEST thing that ever happened to me, and him. We were both kind of in a rut of what we called "life". We helped pulled each other out and grow up. We grew up a lot actually. We started college together right away and everything just seemed to fall into place there. It wasn't easy by any means, I wish. My theory is things are easy if its wrong and things are hard if its right. Going to college is not easy, especially paying for it on your own. But it is the right thing to do. Being a bum for the rest of your life is probably easy, at least I would think so. But it is wrong. No one should have to take care of lazy people; I wouldn't expect it from anyone.

Every decision I have made since I was 19 years old was a positive decision steering me towards what I have and how I live today. I am thankful that I have a loving husband and an awesome little boy; which I take pride in when people tell me what a good and well-mannered son I have. Every decision I continue to make with be solely based on those two people. I do not put myself into consideration, only them.

I really wish I could be sitting around the glow of a dancing bon-fire tonight. Nothing to do but feel its warmth and listen to its story as its crackling sounds fill my mind. I just want to get lost in it....