Sober

I do not think of myself as the type to clutch onto an addition of any sort. I often wonder, how does one get addicted to anything to begin with? Understandably if that addiction is chocolate, or that venti soy white mocha and hazelnut latte with extra espresso shots; an addiction of comfort for your taste buds. Or maybe its an addiction to spending money, which I have done but it leaves me feeling empty and stressed out when that major bill comes through in the mail. Addictions make us feel good. I notice that when I am bored even, I like to go shopping. I am better now at not spending money, but I always seems to pick up an item or two for my son or husband. I turned into a person that feels guilty and selfish if I spend money on myself.

I never understood harmful addictions, like drinking, drugs, self-inflicted injuries, and so on. I always thought of them as very stupid, selfish acts. People who are mature enough to know what is right and what is wrong. It bothered me to no end. I would actually get really furious thinking about it. I think now I understand. Last week an OB had prescribed me 30 pills of percocet, no refills, and made the suggestion of dropping my son off at daycare and taking them with a glass of wine to help calm myself. I know, I know, not very smart, but it makes sense right? My son is in a safe place, and I am all alone to do whatever I want, to cope, cry, scream, laugh, and cry again. You would think I would still have some left. I don't. I did NOT however drink any alcohol. I am too afraid of who I am right now. I don't trust myself to say enough is enough. When the pills run out, and the bottle says "No refills", then I am done. I am too embarrassed to ask a doctor for more. My time of numbing my body and mind at night is over. Now its time for reality again.

I feel ashamed for judging others who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. I never understood their rhyme or reason. A family member struggled with alcohol; I think she still might, I am not sure. She lost pretty much her entire family to cancer. Losing a loved one is not easy. I know I am a strong person, and I refuse to fall into the holes of 'harmful' addictions. Maybe I will just stick to shopping and lattes. I need to keep my body healthy for myself and my family. I am sure my husband and I will try for another baby; not really sure when. I think I might be ready sooner than he will be though. I remember when we made the final decision of having Paighton. Wow, what an emotional mess he was! His mind was working against his baby-making part. He was so focused on becoming a daddy for the first time, all the things that will change not only his life, but our life that the most essential part of his body wouldn't cooperate. He was NEVER in the mood. I always look back on that, knowing that will probably be the only time I am able to say that. ha ha.

Now I am left to think of natural ways to help me sleep at night, instead of depending on something else. Maybe I will go shopping and get some lavender! That sounds like a great idea!

Today I have to make a final decision of what we are going to do. After dropping my son off at daycare this morning, I checked my email, and I get a message from someone that has been following my story on MomsLikeMe. I started to come to peace.... until now... this is what she said: "Hi,I didn't feel that it would have been appropriate to post this for all to see, so I hope you don't mind this private message. I know that I am no one in your life and that my opinion doesn't mean much but I am just heart broken by what you are having to deal with. Our neighbor across the field went through the very same thing you are. They told her that she wouldn't live if she continued the pregnancy. She chose to continue with it anyway. She went into labor at 5 1/2 months. Landon James was born at 11:20AM on April 8th, 2009 - one year ago today. He lived twenty two minutes, but they were the most powerful 22 minutes of their lives and they are so glad that they did what they did. Erin, the mother, was very sick through the pregnancy and quite honestly, I was really worried about her - but she said that she was given this test by God and that she would put her faith in HIM and do what HE asked of her. I lost a baby, too - I was only eight weeks along and then found out that we couldn't get pregnant again for who knows WHAT reason. I would give ANYTHING to have a child - even if it was for only a short while. God has chosen you for this journey for a reason. Don't quit on HIM - don't quit on your son! That is my plea to you. I cried when I read that you can feel your child move and respond to you when you tease him through your belly. That, in itself, is a miracle and what IF they are wrong? Ask God to guide you through this and pray that the best thing happen for all of you - but give it a chance - PLEASE! He answers prayers - especially when there are two or more gathered - if you pray, your son is right there with you and God will listen. You stay strong and you stay positive - no matter how difficult that may be. If you will it to happen by your faith and determination - who knows.... This may just be the best thing that has happened to you. Please, sweetie, don't give up. For all of us that can't have kids, don't give up. I will continue to pray for you and your little precious baby. Just think about this, please? I am sorry if I offended you, but I just felt so strongly about this and needed to share this with you -Pray - ask God for a miracle. I know that I will do the same for you. God Bless."

So... yea... I know what it feels like to be told you can never have children. I went through surgery and a year long treatment in order to get pregnant with my first son. I was given this choice at a VERY early age; an age I was not ready to even start thinking about children. I have endometriosis. My doctor told me I need a hysterectomy; or get pregnant. My husband and I rushed to get our plans in order; get married, buy a house; make a baby. We did not want to have children without the marriage and house taken care of. We are young parents; successful though I'd like to think. We are not rich by any means, but live comfortably looking back at the many luxuries we actually gave up. I do not know her entire story, I am thankful she shared her feelings with me. She did not offend me, although, I think all people should understand that having a baby for the sake of others who cannot should never be a reason to do so. I am sad she cannot have children, and I am even sadder her neighbor's lost theirs. I am sad for anything involving children as they are so innocent and do not understand adult theories and decisions. I wish I had the mind of a child... my life would be much more enjoyable I think.

With a sober mind I can make positive and clear decisions. With a sober body, I may again, someday, have more babies and not have to make such a difficult decision.

Either way, I would appreciate if people would respect my husband's and my decision (keep in mind, it is NOT yet made). You do not have to understand why, or agree. We understand that people are very different in many ways; they cope and heal differently. They can handle more or less than others. Our Pastor already assured us that no matter what, God is with us in our decision. I was struggling with the confusing question of whether or not God wanted me to intervene. Our Pastor said He already has... by letting me know now...God has intervened.

Again... God is preparing me for something important.... He is putting me through many tests right now. So far, I have passed one... I am unable to become addicted to pain meds; even though I tried, oh did I try... it's an impossible feat. it cannot be done... I just love my lattes way too much!

I think today I might take a shower...