Ruminate

-ruminate
1. to think deeply about something

I recently learned this new word and started using it to better describe my thoughts without sounding like a crazy person. Thank you Jeff. One past example has been referred to as a violent tornado; the thoughts just whirlwind around. Just as a cow passes in front of my eyes, then it's a house, then a car.

My thoughts have been 'ruminating'; almost to the point of uncontrollable.

It has been awhile since I have last written on my blog. Not because there hasn't been anything to write about, but more so because there has been too much; I have to organize again. Partially also because I do not feel 100% safe exposing myself wholly due to past circumstances of emotional attacks from loved ones. I guess some people cannot, and may not ever, understand that people cope and grieve differently.

So ruminating...
My metaphorical cows, houses, and cars have been more realistically about family, friends, work, and life aspirations. One moment I am thinking so intensely on my grandmother who has had yet another aneurysm followed by a stroke and the discovery of a blood clot in her brain the size of an orange to thinking about my sister wishing she would do better for herself in life because she deserves it for herself and owes it to her 3 1/2 year old son. Then I go on to think about my dad and how stressed he is with having to deal with my sister and his mother (my grandmother) and the separation of his believed-to-be soul mate of 11 years.

All of these thoughts are constantly fighting for my attention and I am being drained; exhausting myself once again by putting everyone before myself and eventually I become self-forgotten.

There is also my husband's sister, Amy. For as long as I have been in the family, she has struggled with her weight and self-image. I think she is a beautiful person and an awesome mother to her three boys. The youngest of the three, Ben (I call him Benny), adores his mother. The look in his eyes and smile on his face when those two talked to each other or played and joked around is one of the reasons I wanted to become a mom myself. It made my heart melt.
Amy has been and still is battling bulimia. Last I heard she weighed a whole 73 pounds. She is in Fargo, ND as of now fighting for her life. I am afraid for her. I am afraid for her husband and sons.

I wish there was something I could do or say to give her encouragement, but I am at a complete loss. I have never felt completely accepted into my husband's family; or that it is just very different from the family I am used to from growing up as a child. I do not want to overstep my boundaries. I want to show I care without giving off the vibe of an outsider intruding in private matters. Her husband had asked that I come with on the next visit to see her; but she herself never asks that of me.

I also wish I knew what it was in Amy's past that ignited this contagious fire that is slowly killing her. If I could I would take it all away from her. She doesn't deserve to hurt; she deserves to watch her children grow up and become great people.

It's like that movie, "The Butterfly Effect". If one were to ever travel into the past, a simple flutter of a butterfly's wings would create universal changes for the future to come. If only I could travel into the past and find that little girl named Amy, I could create a whole new life for her. A simple compliment of "cute braids" or an offer to share half of a peanut butter sandwich could have possibly done the trick. Then again, I am at a total loss; not to mention time travel does not exist... yet. I truly believe though that something or someone in her past has hurt her and caused her this horrible disease. I ask all of you to please keep my sister-in-law, Amy, in your thoughts and prayers as she needs them more now than ever. She deserves it.

Another thought that continues to float about my head every day is that fact that within my family, younger and younger yet, the women and young girls are miscarrying their babies. When that thought hits me, I get stuck in the moment and become angry. It wasn't fair that my baby Elijah had to leave so soon, and it isn't fair that my baby cousins have to loose their babies so soon also. I say baby cousins because in my mind, I can still see the innocence of their younger selves; even though they are adults. Miscarriages used to be a thing more common to women in their 40s and beyond. Why is is that my cousins 30 and younger are miscarrying? Is it the food we eat nowadays? Everything is processed. Just yesterday I had read on Facebook, a friend's comment about reading the ingredients of an apple cinnamon muffin mix. It included the ingredient "artificial apple bits". What is an artificial apple, may I ask? How long and how much money did it cost researchers and chemists to create and artificial apple? Wouldn't it have been easier to dehydrate a real apple? It's history to go out to the barn to snatch a few eggs, milk the cow and hack off a few chickens.

I feel for my cousins in having to go though such tragedy. Again, butterfly effect. I would if I could. In thinking of them and Elijah, I fear having to get pregnant again. I fear having to lose another baby or even myself. I also fear Paighton forever being labeled as an only child.

As mentioned in the beginning, I haven't written in awhile. I have forgotten about myself and lost my organization skills to put my thoughts into words understandable to others. I have also lost grasp of how to cope and ask for help. I started to revert back to April of last Spring. The nightly sounds of a crying baby have come back. If I fully wake up before getting out of bed in the middle of the night, I realize and understand it isn't real and scold myself to go back to sleep. However, I do sometimes find myself wondering around the house looking for Elijah; then I wake up. Usually turning on a light will trigger me to awaken. I am also getting the "phantom" kicks again. More than likely it is gas since I refuse to pay attention to the fact I am lactose intolerant; I love cheese. Still, maybe it has always been there and I was able to block it out of my head, but lately I am more and more aware and sensitive when I feel a kick come within.

Lastly, I haven't really been able to label this one until with the help of a doctor, but I guess I am experiencing flashbacks from Elijah's birth. I didn't understand exactly what was happening; I would explain them to my husband as"episodes". I usually either have them when I am alone or at work. When I am doing something productive I don't. I am not productive when I am by myself. At work, for the most part I am productive but it is repetitive. I get in a rhythm were I start to lose that focus and wander off in a daydream; a daydream that goes horribly wrong. It starts out with a thought of course. As they all circulate though my mind, in the background is Elijah's birth. I use a lot of energy forcing that thought to the back because I know what happens if I let it slip thought. I see it and grab onto it; I hone in on it until I lose my sense of surrounding. I cannot break from it on my own. Someone has to snap me out of it or I will completely fall apart as I follow the emotions and sometimes physical pain in order going into labor, him being born, handing him off to my husband, losing conscientiousness, waking up in the ER, holding a dead baby, then leaving for home. My emotions start at high anxiety and end at calm yet saddened; clear minded.

I have been out of work since last Monday due to a huge flashback that I couldn't control and couldn't snap out of. I left work in the afternoon to go to lunch but found myself sitting in my vehicle at the park flipping out. I seriously felt like I was back at Abbott. I didn't realize I was even in my vehicle until I got to the part of going home. I know I am not crazy though; so everyone can be rest assured. I have seen quite a few doctors and psychologists since and they all said I am just fine. I need to take a lot of steps back from helping others and focus on myself, is what they said in their own words.

Nevertheless, my mind continues to ruminate about anything and everything possible. Sure I can start saying "no" to those asking for my help, but how am I to stop the thoughts? I still stress out about everyone else because I do care and begin to feel like a bad person for knowing full well what they are going through yet I refuse to jump in and help. What a horrible thing to do; stand on a beach and watch people drown. Nice.

Regardless, my main focus and goal is to control my flashbacks. My biggest hurdle was finally breaking down and asking for help from an actual professional. Ugh, I cant stand shrinks but hopefully with their help I wont need them for long.

So when I got home from the hospital last Monday after my "flashback episode", my husband and I laid in our room crying uncontrollably. He pulled out Elijah's things and shared with me a card that was given to us at the funeral by someone he knows though work. This card, simple in itself, stuck out to Andrew like a sore thumb; it is a constant reminder and encouragement for him and had hope it would be for me as well.

It was...