So yesterday I was tested for preclampsia at Centracare and then meet with our original OB, whom we will be transferring our of her care and into Abbott's instead. By no fault of her own, it's just how the cards were dealt given our recent situation. Sucks. I was really looking forward to her being my OB and delivery my second child; she delivered Paighton by chance. I enjoy her a lot.
I do not have preclampsia. So that is good news. My first pregnancy I never did have any issues with high blood pressure, or protein in the urine (I know, sounds gross huh?). I did however have issues with gestational diabetes, kind of. I would fail, then pass, then fail, then pass. It kept going on in a circle. I was never officially diagnosed or treated; was told just to watch my sugar/carb intake and balance my diet with more protein. Hence my cravings for peanut butter and jelly sandwiches (on wheat), chocolate soy milk and strawberries. I always had some kind of nuts within my reach and I found these 'Belly Bars' in the vitamin aisle; they were a good quick snack when I could feel blood sugar level drop. I am unsure if I am having any gestational diabetes issues with this pregnancy, I have not been tested yet. I am unsure if I even will be. I don't know really. I will be monitored often and closely for preclampsia though, as that seems to be the biggest risk right now; second to having a miscarriage.
I did ask about my 3 week going on 4 week headache. There is nothing they can do about that since the Tylenol or Percocet doesn't help any. I could take a migraine prescription, but it has not been deemed "safe" for pregnant women yet. Since I am continuing my pregnancy, I want to take all precautions seriously. I am just going to stick to my lavender baths and darkened spaces when needed. Now only if I could find a really awesome masseuse for free. My husband whines too much, probably because I critique him while he is doing it. Ah, the joys of marriage. I wouldn't change it though; my life would be too boring without him.
Next step is transferring all my care to Abbott. Tuesday, the 20th, we will be meeting with one of the nurses at Abbott to do that, then right after we will be meeting again with the Geneticist from last Wednesday's ordeal, not the previous one from April 1st. She will talk more about what we can expect and hopefully set up more appointments to meet with the neonatal people and the NICU at Children's Hospital.
Today we tried focusing on just being a normal married couple with a normal pregnancy. We went out for lunch at Noodles N Company (yum) then went price shopping for fencing out part of our yard at HOM Depot, Menard's and Fleet Farm. I think Menard's was the cheapest for what we want. I wanted to get a caramel cooler from Caribou afterwards, but the hubby was too full from lunch. So we just went home.
I made my first hot dish ever! Well, actually my first hot dish as a mommy. I have made one or two before, but since Paighton has been born and diagnosed with milk, egg, and nut allergies, I just haven't been confident enough to venture into the land of hot dishes. Most hot dishes I know growing up always needs milk, or creme, or some kind of cream of chicken/celery/mushroom soup. I recently discovered that Campbell's makes a Golden Mushroom soup *queue in heavenly music and lights signing down into my kitchen* What a miracle! Since my recent discovery, my slow cooker meals have been better, and my chow mein hot dish tonight was AWESOME! It reminded me of how my mom's hotdish is, almost exactly alike. I think it could have used more pepper, and I was sadly out of soy sauce. It needed that as well...
Tomorrow I am excited to try Panko for the first time. I have been dabbling a little in marinating chicken breasts a day or two before baking them. In the past I have used crushed ritz or townhouse crackers, or those french fried onions for breading. I decided to read the label on Panko (breadcrumbs, in the ethnic or Asian aisle, depending on how your store is set up). I am really excited to see how it turns out. I even think Paighton enjoys his mommy experimenting more in the kitchen, even the hubby.
I could probably go on and on about cooking. I am getting better at it, and never want to stop trying new ideas. Only thing I don't like is Paighton hanging off the oven door handle trying to see what Mommy is doing. That, or he pulls the drawer out below the oven, and pinches my big toe under it. One of these days he is going to take off some skin. Talk about ouch!
So now that my husband and I have made a final decision about our unborn baby, and we feel relieved knowing God answered our prayers and took away the responsibility of making the "other" decision, we feel a whole lot better about things. I don't seem so upset about talking about things, although I am sad. Sure, of course I am . But I am not going to be sad until the sad time comes. Right now I am happy, feeling, and fighting against the many strong kicks and punches my baby throws at me. He is so feisty!
I had originally planned on going back to work next Monday, but since I am not meeting with any Abbott doctors til Tuesday, doesn't look like that is going to happen. I am so bummed. I miss work, really. I know that sounds weird, but I work for an awesome company and have many awesome co-workers that have become close friends. It is also a place of serenity for me. A place to get away from being mommy and wifey, and do my own thing. I also missed Earth Day [insert tear here]. I LOVE Earth Day. I even signed up to volunteer for 2 days instead of one like I did last year. I wanted to run the 5K this year, but found out I was pregnant, so I signed up for my normal water stop instead. I enjoy watching people run, how hard they are working for the greater good of not only Earth but themselves. Some people train for a long time to reach their goals. It makes me feel good to see them feel good about themselves. Even though they look like they are in a lot of pain, and want to give up, they keep going! WOW!
I even had to give up my Junior Achievement class this spring. I taught my fall class, and had a lot of fun, but it never feels good to give something up. I was really looking forward to seeing the kids. I had 1st graders this year. Seems like missing work I am also missing out on a lot of other things I enjoy; my never-ending involvement in volunteering. I hope I can go back to work soon. I need some normalcy in my life, desperately!
So my life right now just seems like one big waiting game. I am waiting to go back to work, waiting to see what happens with my pregnancy, waiting to see my baby's beautiful face and hold him as close to my heart as possible. I am not sure I will be able to let go for his daddy to hold him. I am also waiting for small things, like our fence, so my son can run around in his own yard without worrying about the neighbors naughty dogs; and waiting for the weather to get a little nicer, possibly less windy, so we can enjoy more "firsts" with Paighton. I want to take him to the zoo and out on a lake and so many things.
Waiting is mundane. Waiting in doctor offices... more of those to come as well...
Friday, April 16, 2010
Thursday, April 15, 2010
It's a boy!
The FISH results from the amnio are in. It is confirmed, we are having a boy. Good thing too, I already picked out the name.
So good news is also bad news. Triploidy has been confirmed. For some reason I was not shocked. I couldnt cry anymore, there is nothing left. My tears are drained, and my body is too physically tired for more emotions right now.
Triploidy is lethal. Again, we were asked if we wanted to terminate. We still can if we want. I said no. I didnt fight this hard and get so close to almost laying my baby to rest too early. This is what I told the Geneticist from Abbott...
I want a team of doctors who are not going to even use the term "lethal" ever when speaking to me about my baby. I already know that, I already know what I am dealing with and what my choices are. I do no need to be reminded by them. The kicks and punched of my baby remind me; remind me of how blessed I am to be trusted with this life.
I want a team of doctors who are going to continue in caring for me and my baby as far as this pregnany will take us. I want ateam of doctors who have the same mindset and hope as I do; that is to not give up. I need them to focus on life and not death. I need them to think of what to do to save the baby. The end goal is for the baby to be born alive. I will NOT deliver without a C-section. The risks for me to have a c-section are far less severe than the risks of a vaginal birth to a triploidy or spina bifida baby; now add the two together.
All my care is to be transferred from CentraCare to Abbott. I will be meeting with the Neonatal people and taking a tour of the NICU at Children's. We will be using this time to create our team of doctors. Any one who stands in our way and says "no" will be kicked out of the team and replaced by someone who says "yes".
This is my life, my body and I am tired of people telling me what to do. I am calling the shots now. They work for ME! It is not the other way around. If one more person says the word "lethal" to me again, I will completely cross them out as a respectable resource and find another way.
Our baby has already proven to be a miracle in itself. Supposedly triploidy babies do not even make it this far in the womb. Mine has. We saw major defects in ultrasound 1 and 2, and then they were gone, completely gone in ultrasound 3 and 4! Some one explain that!
I am still very scared and nervous, for my life and my baby's. But I can go on knowing that I am a fighter and so is my son. I am scared to loose my baby. I am also scared that my baby might actually live, and then I have to learn how to care for him. I am just plain scared.
Today I am supposed to be going to Centracare to be tested for preclampsia. This is the major risk of continuing the pregnancy. Hope it turns out well...
So good news is also bad news. Triploidy has been confirmed. For some reason I was not shocked. I couldnt cry anymore, there is nothing left. My tears are drained, and my body is too physically tired for more emotions right now.
Triploidy is lethal. Again, we were asked if we wanted to terminate. We still can if we want. I said no. I didnt fight this hard and get so close to almost laying my baby to rest too early. This is what I told the Geneticist from Abbott...
I want a team of doctors who are not going to even use the term "lethal" ever when speaking to me about my baby. I already know that, I already know what I am dealing with and what my choices are. I do no need to be reminded by them. The kicks and punched of my baby remind me; remind me of how blessed I am to be trusted with this life.
I want a team of doctors who are going to continue in caring for me and my baby as far as this pregnany will take us. I want ateam of doctors who have the same mindset and hope as I do; that is to not give up. I need them to focus on life and not death. I need them to think of what to do to save the baby. The end goal is for the baby to be born alive. I will NOT deliver without a C-section. The risks for me to have a c-section are far less severe than the risks of a vaginal birth to a triploidy or spina bifida baby; now add the two together.
All my care is to be transferred from CentraCare to Abbott. I will be meeting with the Neonatal people and taking a tour of the NICU at Children's. We will be using this time to create our team of doctors. Any one who stands in our way and says "no" will be kicked out of the team and replaced by someone who says "yes".
This is my life, my body and I am tired of people telling me what to do. I am calling the shots now. They work for ME! It is not the other way around. If one more person says the word "lethal" to me again, I will completely cross them out as a respectable resource and find another way.
Our baby has already proven to be a miracle in itself. Supposedly triploidy babies do not even make it this far in the womb. Mine has. We saw major defects in ultrasound 1 and 2, and then they were gone, completely gone in ultrasound 3 and 4! Some one explain that!
I am still very scared and nervous, for my life and my baby's. But I can go on knowing that I am a fighter and so is my son. I am scared to loose my baby. I am also scared that my baby might actually live, and then I have to learn how to care for him. I am just plain scared.
Today I am supposed to be going to Centracare to be tested for preclampsia. This is the major risk of continuing the pregnancy. Hope it turns out well...
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Ask God and He will answer!
What can I say? All I can think of is, OMG! Oh my Almighty God that is! Thank you EVERYONE, family, friends, co-workers, strangers, everyone for your many prayers. God has answered! God has intervened. Finally! I feel some relief, although the journey is not over...
Recap:
April 1st, 2010 - We were excited for our 20 week ultrasound at the Centracare clinic in St Cloud. The ultrasonographer saw something "funny". Our OB doctor said there is an abnormally shaped cerebellum and there might be signs of spina bifida. She referred us to a Level II ultrasound at United Hospital in St Paul. We were seen that same day within a few hours. After our Level II ultrasound, we talked with the doctor and geneticist. They said things did not look good, in fact, lethal is the term they used. Here are the issues we were presented with:
1) both feet have extra toes
2) both hands have extra fingers (one hand appeared to have an extra hand itself)
3) the legs were attached at the hip bent backwards, forcing a "buddha" position, preventing the baby from every closing its legs
4) it has both a penis and a vagina
5) it has a hole in its heart
6) it has spina bifida, 100% sure of that
7) there is excessive amniotic fluid, and very little in the stomach, indicating the baby is not swallowing properly
8) abnormally shaped cerebellum due to pressure from the spina bifida pulling down
We were given the option to do an amniocentesis, but it involved risks. Risks of infection for both me and baby, and risk of miscarriage. Risks neither my husband and I wanted to take. We did not refuse at that point, we wanted more time to think. We were told more than likely the baby is either Trisomy 13, Trisomy 18, or Triploidy. They were sure of it, leaning more on Triploidy. Their suggestions were to terminate the pregnancy. We went home to think about things.
April 5th, 2010 - We met with a doctor from the perinatal department from the Cities. He was very 'to-the-point'. He roadblocked us the ENTIRE way. It was then we were told the spina bifida effected the entire spine. He said the WHOLE spine was open, there was nothing to close. No doctor in their sane mind would even dare touch my baby. He said if we did not terminate, no one will help us. His final words to us was "How much information does Mom and Dad need to make a decision?" I wanted to slap him, then tell his mother and wife what he just said to us. He roadblocked every question and plead for help. We asked for more opinions, more referrals, more tests, more ultrasounds (3D, MRI...), more anything. He said, no, no, and no. It doesn't change anything, NO!
As the days went on I stopped taking my prenatal vitamins, and replaced them with percocet and benadryl. I stopped eating, bathing, and household chores. NEVER did I neglect my son or husband, NEVER! We sought counsel from a pastor in Sauk Rapids. We contacted Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation for professional pictures of our dead baby when the time comes. We contacted a funeral home for price quotes on cremating our baby, when it dies. A friend started on a beautiful hand-crafted memory box to hold the urn and other items like pictures, and blankets. My grandmother and aunt started on a personalized baby blanket for us. We contacted as many strangers with similar situations, and professionals from other states and Universities and hospitals as we possibly could. No where did we find actual help to continue. We found words of encouragement no matter what the decision, even emails of strangers pleading as hard as they could plead to not terminate. Yeah sure, we found some help to continue carrying, but we wanted promises that attempts will be made to save our babies life. No one could give us that. No one would even say "I will try my best". We cried and screamed at the situation. Our life was devastated.
Recap:
April 1st, 2010 - We were excited for our 20 week ultrasound at the Centracare clinic in St Cloud. The ultrasonographer saw something "funny". Our OB doctor said there is an abnormally shaped cerebellum and there might be signs of spina bifida. She referred us to a Level II ultrasound at United Hospital in St Paul. We were seen that same day within a few hours. After our Level II ultrasound, we talked with the doctor and geneticist. They said things did not look good, in fact, lethal is the term they used. Here are the issues we were presented with:
1) both feet have extra toes
2) both hands have extra fingers (one hand appeared to have an extra hand itself)
3) the legs were attached at the hip bent backwards, forcing a "buddha" position, preventing the baby from every closing its legs
4) it has both a penis and a vagina
5) it has a hole in its heart
6) it has spina bifida, 100% sure of that
7) there is excessive amniotic fluid, and very little in the stomach, indicating the baby is not swallowing properly
8) abnormally shaped cerebellum due to pressure from the spina bifida pulling down
We were given the option to do an amniocentesis, but it involved risks. Risks of infection for both me and baby, and risk of miscarriage. Risks neither my husband and I wanted to take. We did not refuse at that point, we wanted more time to think. We were told more than likely the baby is either Trisomy 13, Trisomy 18, or Triploidy. They were sure of it, leaning more on Triploidy. Their suggestions were to terminate the pregnancy. We went home to think about things.
April 5th, 2010 - We met with a doctor from the perinatal department from the Cities. He was very 'to-the-point'. He roadblocked us the ENTIRE way. It was then we were told the spina bifida effected the entire spine. He said the WHOLE spine was open, there was nothing to close. No doctor in their sane mind would even dare touch my baby. He said if we did not terminate, no one will help us. His final words to us was "How much information does Mom and Dad need to make a decision?" I wanted to slap him, then tell his mother and wife what he just said to us. He roadblocked every question and plead for help. We asked for more opinions, more referrals, more tests, more ultrasounds (3D, MRI...), more anything. He said, no, no, and no. It doesn't change anything, NO!
As the days went on I stopped taking my prenatal vitamins, and replaced them with percocet and benadryl. I stopped eating, bathing, and household chores. NEVER did I neglect my son or husband, NEVER! We sought counsel from a pastor in Sauk Rapids. We contacted Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep Foundation for professional pictures of our dead baby when the time comes. We contacted a funeral home for price quotes on cremating our baby, when it dies. A friend started on a beautiful hand-crafted memory box to hold the urn and other items like pictures, and blankets. My grandmother and aunt started on a personalized baby blanket for us. We contacted as many strangers with similar situations, and professionals from other states and Universities and hospitals as we possibly could. No where did we find actual help to continue. We found words of encouragement no matter what the decision, even emails of strangers pleading as hard as they could plead to not terminate. Yeah sure, we found some help to continue carrying, but we wanted promises that attempts will be made to save our babies life. No one could give us that. No one would even say "I will try my best". We cried and screamed at the situation. Our life was devastated.
April 9th, 2010 - We made our decision. The decision to terminate. We felt bullied into this decision. Our entire team of doctors all agreed that things cannot be fixed (and wont be) and this is lethal. I am at risk, and the baby will not survive anyways. We must terminate as soon as possible, especially since MN law requires it to be done before 21 weeks gestational age is surpassed. I was called by a different doctor I never spoke with to complete the 24 hour paper work MN law requires before a termination can be done. I was told a care coordinator will be contacting me to set things up.
Later that day, I received a call. I asked who will be performing the termination. I was told it was the SAME doctor we met with on April 5th. Remember that one? I know I do. The one that deserves to be punched in the face. But let us not cast stones... (I can still dream cant I?) I said, NOW WAY! I refuse to work with him and I want a female doctor if I am going to do this. Due to my request, I could no longer be helped at United. I was transferred to Abbott Northwesthern.
I didn't hear anything for the remainder of the day.
April 12th, 2010 - It was 2:30pm. I still haven't heard any word on any plans. I was feeling anxious and ready to just get things over with already. I started to call around and try to find the people I needed to talk to. I final got in touch with the care coordinator at Abbott. I was told that I am already on the schedule for this Wednesday at 7:30am. Wow, it would have been nice if anyone could call me first to ask if that date worked considering I have another son i need to plan care for. So I made plans. I talked, and cried, with our son's daycare. She will be keeping him overnight.
April 13th, 2010 - I went to my mom's house after Paighton went to sleep. She was getting things ready for the next day. She is such a mother hen. She had prepared a whole mess of food and snacks so that my husband, his dad, herself, and I had anything we wanted to eat without having to go too far from the room. I cried, and told her I didn't want to do it. I cant. I just simply cant. It is not right, for me anyways. There was just something that didn't feel right. Something didn't add up. I went home and prayed my heart out as I drove. Asking God to PLEASE intervene. I just could not accept that he has already intervened in some form. I wanted, I NEEDED him to intervene again. Do something to stop this. Show me in some way, any way, I don't care. Just intervene!
When I got home, I told my husband I didn't want to do it. He said he didn't either, but doesn't see any other way. I told him again, "I do not want to do it!". He said he felt the same. He right away jumped on the Internet again looking for signs of God intervening. We found and article of an ultrasound giving a false positive for spina bifida. The parents had terminated, and found there was nothing wrong with their baby. NO spina bifida...
I thought of an awesome friend I had growing up as a child; Jena was her name. She was born with spina bifida. We were together from preschool all into high school together. I remember pushing her around in her wheelchair during school events, helped her with her crutches and even in the bathroom, holding up her skirt or dress as I humbly and respectfully turned my eyes to provide privacy. She always wanted me to go with her and I felt so proud to be trusted. She sadly passed away at age 17. I knew there was something wrong and the teachers in high school didn't want to say anything to me because they knew we were friends. I refused to go to class until I was told what happened. I lost it. Completely lost it in the hallways. Everyone stared at me, but I didn't care. I was upset I didn't get to say goodbye when I knew I had a chance. I was a little apprehensive, but I called up Jena's mom right away. It was 9:30pm. I was afraid she wouldn't remember who I was, or feel sadden for me to bring back such painful memories of her own baby. But I needed to know what she thought about my situation. She immediately, and forcefully said "No! Do not do it!" She said other things to, but that is what stuck with me the most, it hit me hard. I trust her, and believe in her. She is a strong woman, from what I remember. It's been 8 years since I lost saw and spoke with her. I miss Jena...
That right there; Jena and the false positive article, changed our minds, sort of... We said, OK, we will go tomorrow and demand another ultrasound before I even undress into a gown. No ultrasound, no naked patient! If the ultrasound shows the same, we continue. If its different, in ANY way, we go home. We went to bed at 12:30am.
April 14th, 2010 - I woke up at 4:00am. I had a strange sense lingering over me. I felt as if the world was off tilt. I kissed my husband, wished him Happy 6th year Anniversary, and left to go pick up my mother. On the way back home, I told my mom about the false positive article we read the night before. She said that we need to make our decision and live with it for the rest of our lives, and that although our decision was made, it wasn't MADE yet.
We picked our my husband's father, dropped our son off at daycare and left for Abbott. We checked in and the nurse came in with kind of a sad look on her face. She spoke, speaking softly as if she were already at a funeral. I was her only patient for the day. She said she would help us get in contact with a photographer and a hotel room for our parents. We told her we wanted to talk to the doctor before ANYTHING happens.
The doctor came in (the one doing our termination). We told him we wanted another ultrasound and to sit down and compare, point by point, all the abnormalities from the ultrasound to be taken today vs. the Level II taken on April 1st at United. He said he is willing to do another ultrasound, but he highly doubts anything is different. He is confident in his colleagues findings. Yet, he did also said if things, magically are different, he will quit his job today and change careers. He came in with a portable ultrasound machine. He said that he could "not appreciate with that machine" the same findings as our Level II ultrasound. I wasn't completely sure what they meant...
We were walked over to a different building attached to Abbott to do a higher tech ultrasound with 2 other, different, doctors. We were starting to build a completely different team of doctors! This ultrasound was WAY different. Here are the findings:
1) one foot is normal, the other missing a toe
2) one hand is normal, the other has 1 extra finger
3) there are cysts on one of the kidneys
4) the gender is "ambiguous", doesn't mean both
5) there is spina bifida, but NOT the entire spine! Only the lower sacral lumbar area. FIXABLE!
6) there was no mention of the heart, legs attachment at the hips, or amniotic fluid and swallowing abilities. Yet we didn't ask either.
7) the cerebellum is abnormal, but again cannot be confirmed if due to spina bifida or any of the 3 potential chromosomal disorders. Yet the forehead is a little flattened and the nose is abnormally shaped, still leaning towards Triploidy.
We felt RELIEF! The 2 doctors and then at that time, another yet different geneticist came in and talked with us. They said they with our doctor for the day (the one doing our termination) completely disagree with our previous team of doctors and geneticist and their findings, opinions and suggestions to terminate our pregnancy. They said this is NOT lethal and can be corrected with surgery. However, we are not completely out of the woods in regards to triploidy. Only and amnio can tell us that. We agreed at that very second to do the amnio.
We should have the "FISH" results tomorrow and the final results late next week. This will tell us if we are dealing with a chromosomal disorder, and even the gender or our baby. My husband and I agreed, with the new findings that the entire back is NOT open, and it is a 'normal, per say' case of spina bifida that can be corrected, we cannot and will not terminate. Regardless if triploidy comes into play, we still have hope. We have a team of doctors say YES they can operate and they will attempt to save our baby. YES! Thank you God, SO much!
We walked back to our room in the birthing center of Abbott. Our doctor came in and looked ghostly into my eyes. He stood there, just shaking his head. I waited to here what he had to say. He said... "Looks like I have to quit my job...". He also said that our ultrasound today is way different from that of United's and he can no longer perform our termination, even if we wanted to. We didn't want to. I asked him if he compared the two from each other yet. He said he didn't not compare the images, but was going off the report that United's people wrote up. He said he will be sitting down with those previous doctors personally and compare both together to see where things changes, or where miscommunication happened. The nurse came in and was more than happy to be sending us home, as were we!
We went home. I even got to stop at Nelson Bros. in Clearwater for my favorite Fritter French Toast and bacon!
My husband and I are the happiest parents in the world right now, so we feel we are. We know now that we can let nature and God take their courses. We do not need human intervention, only God's. I couldn't separate the two before, but now I see more clearly. We are not completely safe though. Things are still very grim looking, and our baby doesn't have the best chances of survival. But that is okay, that is all we wanted. A chance. Just ONE chance. We got what we wanted. Our baby will have help to survive. A chance!
I am supposed to take things easy from now on. All my care and appointments are being transferred to Abbott. I will deliver there and our baby will be taken to Children's immediately after delivery. If God takes our baby, we will be sadden, but at peace knowing we tried everything in our human power and gave it every chance a human can offer at life. If our baby survives, we will have a major life altering experience caring for our baby, loving it regardless of its physical form. I grew up with a best friend born with spina bifida. I had her in my heart and mind, she helped me a lot. I couldn't imagine my childhood without her, and i cant imagine my life without my child.
My husband made me an awesome peanut butter and jelly sandwich for a snack tonight. He served it with a giant glass of chocolate soy milk and 2 strawberries. My favorite food when I was pregnant with Paighton. I took my prenatal vitamins.
We thank EVERYONE for your support, your pleas, your prayers, for everything! If you are someone that I confided in and you did terminate in your situation, please do not take this as any judgement of any sort. For some reason our very similar situations were meant to take different paths. I appreciate the shoulder to lean and cry on. This is just my destiny, and for some reason, I needed to know more information. God intervened. I do not pass judgement on anyone for any reason dealing with ill babies. I am still Pro-Life, yet I now understand there are very many gray areas.
I was given a necklace from a bunch of awesome and supporting co-workers. I wear it with love and pride. The necklace reads: "During your times of suffering, when you saw only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you". How true! Thank you!
Please continue to pray for our family and our precious baby, as we do want him to live. We want him in our lives and share with him everything the world has to offer before he goes to be with Jesus, at any age. I want him first!
Ask, and God will provide! Thank you Lord Jesus for intervening and giving our sweet baby more chances.
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
The fight of life.
I just woke up from a little nap. I woke up to the kicks and punches and somersaults of my sweet baby Elijah. He is just as active and hyper as my son Paighton was when I was pregnant with him.
This is a dream, a nightmare actually. I wish I had some ruby red slippers to click my heels together and wish me home. I wish I could wake up. The wicked witch is about to steal my son away from me. Only thing is, I am the wicked witch.
I cant help but to still feel I am making a horribly wrong decision in my book of life. I cannot erase what is already written; this has not been written yet, just sitting on a rough draft. I can change it if I want to. I can so "NO!" if I want to. I can just not go to Abbott tomorrow; call them and tell them never mind. I just feel that so many people helped me make my decision and i cannot turn back now.
I think I would maybe feel better about going on instead of terminating if I had more support; family, friends and medical. Especially the medical support! I look down the path of life, and no one is standing on the side lines to cheer me on; it is empty, dark, and scary. The path of death on the other hand has a ton of people, sad but supportive. Everyone seems to sympathize, but they always say "it is what's best for your family". Well I want to know, what's best for me? What's best for my baby Elijah? I cant seem all that selfish asking that can I?
This is still MY body. No one owns it, not even my husband or son. Yet what I do with my body effects the people in my life. Even if I was a drugged out stripper that ran away to California of something, that would effect not just my husband and son, but my parents, siblings, my husband's parents and siblings, and the list goes on...
I do not want to be selfish. I want to think of others, especially baby Elijah. That is why I am SO confused. No one seems to want baby Elijah alive except me. I feel like I am the only one fighting for him. It is hard fighting alone.
How am I suppose to tell my husband that I do not want to do this? That I want to fight until I cannot possibly fight anymore?
I just feel that Elijah's increased activity in my belly is him trying to tell me, he loves me, and wants to see me. And I want to see him too. I want to fight for his life, and so does he, I think. Why cant anyone else see it the way I do? I feel his love, all the time... I do not want to lose his love...
I love you Baby Elijah...
This is a dream, a nightmare actually. I wish I had some ruby red slippers to click my heels together and wish me home. I wish I could wake up. The wicked witch is about to steal my son away from me. Only thing is, I am the wicked witch.
I cant help but to still feel I am making a horribly wrong decision in my book of life. I cannot erase what is already written; this has not been written yet, just sitting on a rough draft. I can change it if I want to. I can so "NO!" if I want to. I can just not go to Abbott tomorrow; call them and tell them never mind. I just feel that so many people helped me make my decision and i cannot turn back now.
I think I would maybe feel better about going on instead of terminating if I had more support; family, friends and medical. Especially the medical support! I look down the path of life, and no one is standing on the side lines to cheer me on; it is empty, dark, and scary. The path of death on the other hand has a ton of people, sad but supportive. Everyone seems to sympathize, but they always say "it is what's best for your family". Well I want to know, what's best for me? What's best for my baby Elijah? I cant seem all that selfish asking that can I?
This is still MY body. No one owns it, not even my husband or son. Yet what I do with my body effects the people in my life. Even if I was a drugged out stripper that ran away to California of something, that would effect not just my husband and son, but my parents, siblings, my husband's parents and siblings, and the list goes on...
I do not want to be selfish. I want to think of others, especially baby Elijah. That is why I am SO confused. No one seems to want baby Elijah alive except me. I feel like I am the only one fighting for him. It is hard fighting alone.
How am I suppose to tell my husband that I do not want to do this? That I want to fight until I cannot possibly fight anymore?
I just feel that Elijah's increased activity in my belly is him trying to tell me, he loves me, and wants to see me. And I want to see him too. I want to fight for his life, and so does he, I think. Why cant anyone else see it the way I do? I feel his love, all the time... I do not want to lose his love...
I love you Baby Elijah...
Today I received word on the final plans. I did not want to listen, I did not want to agree to anything, I did not want to make any more decisions. I am tired. Very tired.
This Wednesday at 7:30am, I am to be admitted to Abbott Northwestern in Minneapolis. My mother and my husband's father are our chosen support for the day. I feel like I am committing murder and getting away with it. My insurance company labels it an "elective abortion". This is NOT by any means an abortion!
I wish people, all people, who are Pro-life were not like me. I am pro-life; hardcore pro-life. I always believed there is nothing, NOTHING, in this world that would effect my beliefs and decisions. I feel that people who got abortions just because a baby didn't fit in with their life at the moment are selfish; I still do. If you are that person, I do not need a ton of nasty argumentative comments or emails. This is my opinion and mine alone. You don't need to be my friend, no one is forcing you. Would you harass someone for being a vegan because they think you are gross and cruel for eating an animal? I would hope not. (By the way, I love vegan dishes... and meat...). The reason why I wish pro-life people like me, were in a sense not like me (Does that make any sense?) is because it took something so horrible, challenging, and tragically sad to help me understand and see life through different eyes. I want my baby, YES, of course I do. Do I want to end my baby's life? NO! Do I want my baby to suffer for 1 minute or 48 hours? None of course, but if I have to choose, I'd say 1 minute. I hope pro-life people do not have to endure something like this in order to understand that, yes, there are many gray areas when it comes to life. We only have our human feelings and religious beliefs to guide us. We have the responsibility to decipher to codes, put the puzzle pieces together and see what happens. When you really look at it, no one can say for 100% sure which is right and which is wrong; on any moral issue. Only the God we believe in knows the answers; and someday, we too will know, when our time is up.
In this situation, I do have to choose. And I have. I choose the lesser of the two evils. They both suck, they both upset me greatly and I may never forgive myself, but I have to ask God to forgive me; and I know He will.
I was being asked today questions like "how much time do you want to be alone with your baby?" and "do you want footprints/hand prints if possible, and locks of hair, and pictures?". Stuff like that. Just thinking about it hurts. It hurts a lot. I cant believe I have to think about this stuff. Yes, I want a lock of hair... but from my baby's first haircut, NOT this! I want hand prints and footprints that my sweet baby brings home from school to show me what he did with paint in school. I want pictures to EVERYTHING; first day of school, first bike pedals without training wheels, first prom, wedding, grandchildren! I want it all!
We will be getting photos, I hope. Someone had contacted me with the NILMDTS (Now I lay me down to sleep) organization saying she would like to help me out. She is a professional photographer. I really hope she still wants to. I feel bad that I didn't respond to her right away. I was afraid of things being too real. I still wont even talk to the funeral home on the phone. I am only doing things via email; they probably think I am a scam by now...
In my posts, I seem calm and at peace with things. I just keep telling myself that. I am an utter mess to be honest. Today I laid in bed crying, screaming, then back to crying. I yelled at myself, into my pillow, asking "why?". I called out to my baby telling him that mommy is so sorry, and that mommy loves him so much; mommy will take away the pain. Mommy is going to miss Baby Elijah a lot...
Then I logged into Facebook, looking for something to help me calm down. Maybe something funny or dumb a friend would have posted. Instead I saw a picture of a dear friend who passed away at a young age from a 4-wheeler accident. I still have feelings that haven't found any closure because I didn't get to say good-bye. It wasn't until 5 months after she passed did I even know, at no fault of any one's but my own. I never seemed to forgive myself for that. In this picture she was feeding a bottle to a baby. She always loved babies. She wanted to care for all babies and have her own someday. I broke down, again. I miss my friend so much, but it was nice to know a little piece of purpose to her passing. She was preparing for the arrival of my baby Elijah, and all the other babies in Heaven. I have always been upset that Paighton would grow up not knowing her, but I found comfort knowing Elijah will. I can't wait to see both of them again someday.
Tomorrow my husband is not going to work, and Paighton is staying home from daycare. We are going to have a family day, and maybe go by some items for baby's photos. I do not want gruesome parts to be shown, only his beautiful face.
Then very early Wednesday morning, at 5am, we will drop Paighton off at daycare and head to the cities. I am so scared and feel very uneasy leaving Paighton behind and having to spend a night away from him. It hurts my heart to think he will be scared sleeping at someone else's house and not seeing mommy or daddy for a couple of days. I wish things could be different. I trust the family he will be with, I just don't like the fact that its them and not me. I am his mommy, i should be there for him no matter what. I just keep telling myself that at least he is young and wont remember any of this when he is older. Maybe it would be easier if he were older; have a sleepover at a friends or something. What sucks even more is I think he is sick... He has had a runny nose for a few days now and tonight he started to cough. As I am writing this, I can hear him wake up a couple times in his crib, crying and coughing. Just as my husband is about to check on him, he goes back to sleep. So I am not sure what is going on. I wish it isn't anything serious that requires a visit to the doctor; I wont be around to take him. UGH! Why? Why can't things just come one at a time? Why double up on my already overbearing load of stress?
Speaking of stress, I am still trying to finish my taxes. The website froze on me at the end doing an audit check. Thankfully it saved everything. What next? Oh, I know. My former daycare provider wants more money. We stopped bringing Paighton there because we found out she was abusing and neglecting his basic needs. He was being strapped to a chair all day, while the other kids got to run around. She claimed it was to keep him safe due to his food allergies. I don't but it for a second. Not only that, my son smelled like poop every time i picked him up. I don't think she ever changed his diaper until i actually showed up to get him.
I hope that my life can destress a little. I hope I find peace somewhere...
Tonight I go to bed asking God to help me sleep, asking him to heal my son and stay with him as mommy and daddy are away for awhile.
This Wednesday at 7:30am, I am to be admitted to Abbott Northwestern in Minneapolis. My mother and my husband's father are our chosen support for the day. I feel like I am committing murder and getting away with it. My insurance company labels it an "elective abortion". This is NOT by any means an abortion!
I wish people, all people, who are Pro-life were not like me. I am pro-life; hardcore pro-life. I always believed there is nothing, NOTHING, in this world that would effect my beliefs and decisions. I feel that people who got abortions just because a baby didn't fit in with their life at the moment are selfish; I still do. If you are that person, I do not need a ton of nasty argumentative comments or emails. This is my opinion and mine alone. You don't need to be my friend, no one is forcing you. Would you harass someone for being a vegan because they think you are gross and cruel for eating an animal? I would hope not. (By the way, I love vegan dishes... and meat...). The reason why I wish pro-life people like me, were in a sense not like me (Does that make any sense?) is because it took something so horrible, challenging, and tragically sad to help me understand and see life through different eyes. I want my baby, YES, of course I do. Do I want to end my baby's life? NO! Do I want my baby to suffer for 1 minute or 48 hours? None of course, but if I have to choose, I'd say 1 minute. I hope pro-life people do not have to endure something like this in order to understand that, yes, there are many gray areas when it comes to life. We only have our human feelings and religious beliefs to guide us. We have the responsibility to decipher to codes, put the puzzle pieces together and see what happens. When you really look at it, no one can say for 100% sure which is right and which is wrong; on any moral issue. Only the God we believe in knows the answers; and someday, we too will know, when our time is up.
In this situation, I do have to choose. And I have. I choose the lesser of the two evils. They both suck, they both upset me greatly and I may never forgive myself, but I have to ask God to forgive me; and I know He will.
I was being asked today questions like "how much time do you want to be alone with your baby?" and "do you want footprints/hand prints if possible, and locks of hair, and pictures?". Stuff like that. Just thinking about it hurts. It hurts a lot. I cant believe I have to think about this stuff. Yes, I want a lock of hair... but from my baby's first haircut, NOT this! I want hand prints and footprints that my sweet baby brings home from school to show me what he did with paint in school. I want pictures to EVERYTHING; first day of school, first bike pedals without training wheels, first prom, wedding, grandchildren! I want it all!
We will be getting photos, I hope. Someone had contacted me with the NILMDTS (Now I lay me down to sleep) organization saying she would like to help me out. She is a professional photographer. I really hope she still wants to. I feel bad that I didn't respond to her right away. I was afraid of things being too real. I still wont even talk to the funeral home on the phone. I am only doing things via email; they probably think I am a scam by now...
In my posts, I seem calm and at peace with things. I just keep telling myself that. I am an utter mess to be honest. Today I laid in bed crying, screaming, then back to crying. I yelled at myself, into my pillow, asking "why?". I called out to my baby telling him that mommy is so sorry, and that mommy loves him so much; mommy will take away the pain. Mommy is going to miss Baby Elijah a lot...
Then I logged into Facebook, looking for something to help me calm down. Maybe something funny or dumb a friend would have posted. Instead I saw a picture of a dear friend who passed away at a young age from a 4-wheeler accident. I still have feelings that haven't found any closure because I didn't get to say good-bye. It wasn't until 5 months after she passed did I even know, at no fault of any one's but my own. I never seemed to forgive myself for that. In this picture she was feeding a bottle to a baby. She always loved babies. She wanted to care for all babies and have her own someday. I broke down, again. I miss my friend so much, but it was nice to know a little piece of purpose to her passing. She was preparing for the arrival of my baby Elijah, and all the other babies in Heaven. I have always been upset that Paighton would grow up not knowing her, but I found comfort knowing Elijah will. I can't wait to see both of them again someday.
Tomorrow my husband is not going to work, and Paighton is staying home from daycare. We are going to have a family day, and maybe go by some items for baby's photos. I do not want gruesome parts to be shown, only his beautiful face.
Then very early Wednesday morning, at 5am, we will drop Paighton off at daycare and head to the cities. I am so scared and feel very uneasy leaving Paighton behind and having to spend a night away from him. It hurts my heart to think he will be scared sleeping at someone else's house and not seeing mommy or daddy for a couple of days. I wish things could be different. I trust the family he will be with, I just don't like the fact that its them and not me. I am his mommy, i should be there for him no matter what. I just keep telling myself that at least he is young and wont remember any of this when he is older. Maybe it would be easier if he were older; have a sleepover at a friends or something. What sucks even more is I think he is sick... He has had a runny nose for a few days now and tonight he started to cough. As I am writing this, I can hear him wake up a couple times in his crib, crying and coughing. Just as my husband is about to check on him, he goes back to sleep. So I am not sure what is going on. I wish it isn't anything serious that requires a visit to the doctor; I wont be around to take him. UGH! Why? Why can't things just come one at a time? Why double up on my already overbearing load of stress?
Speaking of stress, I am still trying to finish my taxes. The website froze on me at the end doing an audit check. Thankfully it saved everything. What next? Oh, I know. My former daycare provider wants more money. We stopped bringing Paighton there because we found out she was abusing and neglecting his basic needs. He was being strapped to a chair all day, while the other kids got to run around. She claimed it was to keep him safe due to his food allergies. I don't but it for a second. Not only that, my son smelled like poop every time i picked him up. I don't think she ever changed his diaper until i actually showed up to get him.
I hope that my life can destress a little. I hope I find peace somewhere...
Tonight I go to bed asking God to help me sleep, asking him to heal my son and stay with him as mommy and daddy are away for awhile.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Emotional Rollercoaster
Today was supposed to be easy and relaxing. For the most part it was, but towards the evening I started to feel intense anxiety, frustration, sorrow, and a fueled hatred set in.
Here is where my feelings had fit in throughout the night.
Anxiety: I know that sometime tomorrow someone from Abbott with be calling me to set a date and time for me to be admitted and start the process to induce. The closer Monday comes, the more crazy my thoughts get.
Hatred: My dad had stopped in unexpectedly (he tried to call, I just didn't hear my phone). He is always making sure that he brings something for my sister and I. He worries about us still; naturally. He had brought cereals, granola bars, candy bars, and other food items. I love my dad very much and I appreciate him putting in so much effort and humbling himself for his grown adult children. Something I wish my sister could learn from. My sister lives 15 minutes away from me; my dad lives 1 hour and 30 minutes away from me. My dad and I tried to get my sister off her lazy butt to come visit for many reasons. Maybe dad would like to see his other daughter and his grandson who might not even know who he is anymore because of lack of visits. Maybe I could use some support, or whatever sisters are supposed to do when the other is having a hard time. Maybe also to pick up all this stuff our dad had left at my house because I told her given my life right now in planning for the death of my unborn child I will not be able to drop this crap off for her later. My house is NOT a drop-off point! Besides, where is my sister anyways? My ONLY sister!! When I am losing my baby, what the HELL is she doing? Sitting on her lazy butt smoking her life away with cigarettes, yet she never has money for gas to visit people who love her! WHATEVER! I have co-workers who care more about me, more about how I am doing and making sure that I smile everyday. I love my co-workers and miss work a lot, but I HATE that my own blood sister doesn't even think about me.
Frustration: I am feeling this for my physical limitations. I am trying my best to still be a mom to my child and a wife to my husband. I am trying to cook dinner, do dishes, visit with my dad, and so on. My back is killing me! My stomach turns a solid as a rock every 5-10 minutes, I feel like my uterus is falling out between my legs, my 3 week headache is still stronger than ever, I am just in so much pain and just plain uncomfortable. My dad said stop fussing over dinner just because he was there. I tried to explain to him, I am not cooking this dinner just because he was there, this is how we HAVE to cook. We have no other choice because of Paighton's food allergies. I wish I could do something quick and easy, like a pizza or Stouffer's frozen-whatever. But I cant. I have to cook from scratch every night. I have a really short fuse right now too. My son continues to hang on the oven door's handle (which fell off and I had to fix), and climbs on the table, standing in the middle clapping his hands. I am very proud of him that he is a big boy and can do that, but it is testing my patience right now.
Sorrow: After my dad had left for the night, my husband called his dad. I could over hear him talking on the phone; I knew exactly what they were talking about. My eyes started to swell as the conversation went on. I wasn't in any way ease dropping, he was in the same room as me. Yet I felt as one would feel when you know that the conversation at hand is about you. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience; watching as my life unraveled into pieces, pieces that could not be put back together even if you tried.
Awhile later, I called my mom and cousin to recap how my night went. I relived the hatred and sorrow part all over again, venting about my sister and whatever relationship we have, if we even have one; and crying about tomorrow. I am afraid to answer my phone for fear my nightmare will become reality. As far as I know, its not really until it happens. Maybe I will die in a car crash first then I wont have to go through all of this. Instead my baby and I can go to heaven together. Then I start to think of my son and husband; they always help bring my drifting mind back down to Earth. They are the only two reasons I do anything really.
I remember when I was 18. I lived kind of a reckless life. I wasn't into drugs or drinking, or anything like that. I just wanted to hang out with friends as long as my mind could stay awake from late nights of movies. Go shopping, sleep all day, be lazy and not have to do anything. I met my husband when I was 19. BEST thing that ever happened to me, and him. We were both kind of in a rut of what we called "life". We helped pulled each other out and grow up. We grew up a lot actually. We started college together right away and everything just seemed to fall into place there. It wasn't easy by any means, I wish. My theory is things are easy if its wrong and things are hard if its right. Going to college is not easy, especially paying for it on your own. But it is the right thing to do. Being a bum for the rest of your life is probably easy, at least I would think so. But it is wrong. No one should have to take care of lazy people; I wouldn't expect it from anyone.
Every decision I have made since I was 19 years old was a positive decision steering me towards what I have and how I live today. I am thankful that I have a loving husband and an awesome little boy; which I take pride in when people tell me what a good and well-mannered son I have. Every decision I continue to make with be solely based on those two people. I do not put myself into consideration, only them.
I really wish I could be sitting around the glow of a dancing bon-fire tonight. Nothing to do but feel its warmth and listen to its story as its crackling sounds fill my mind. I just want to get lost in it....
Here is where my feelings had fit in throughout the night.
Anxiety: I know that sometime tomorrow someone from Abbott with be calling me to set a date and time for me to be admitted and start the process to induce. The closer Monday comes, the more crazy my thoughts get.
Hatred: My dad had stopped in unexpectedly (he tried to call, I just didn't hear my phone). He is always making sure that he brings something for my sister and I. He worries about us still; naturally. He had brought cereals, granola bars, candy bars, and other food items. I love my dad very much and I appreciate him putting in so much effort and humbling himself for his grown adult children. Something I wish my sister could learn from. My sister lives 15 minutes away from me; my dad lives 1 hour and 30 minutes away from me. My dad and I tried to get my sister off her lazy butt to come visit for many reasons. Maybe dad would like to see his other daughter and his grandson who might not even know who he is anymore because of lack of visits. Maybe I could use some support, or whatever sisters are supposed to do when the other is having a hard time. Maybe also to pick up all this stuff our dad had left at my house because I told her given my life right now in planning for the death of my unborn child I will not be able to drop this crap off for her later. My house is NOT a drop-off point! Besides, where is my sister anyways? My ONLY sister!! When I am losing my baby, what the HELL is she doing? Sitting on her lazy butt smoking her life away with cigarettes, yet she never has money for gas to visit people who love her! WHATEVER! I have co-workers who care more about me, more about how I am doing and making sure that I smile everyday. I love my co-workers and miss work a lot, but I HATE that my own blood sister doesn't even think about me.
Frustration: I am feeling this for my physical limitations. I am trying my best to still be a mom to my child and a wife to my husband. I am trying to cook dinner, do dishes, visit with my dad, and so on. My back is killing me! My stomach turns a solid as a rock every 5-10 minutes, I feel like my uterus is falling out between my legs, my 3 week headache is still stronger than ever, I am just in so much pain and just plain uncomfortable. My dad said stop fussing over dinner just because he was there. I tried to explain to him, I am not cooking this dinner just because he was there, this is how we HAVE to cook. We have no other choice because of Paighton's food allergies. I wish I could do something quick and easy, like a pizza or Stouffer's frozen-whatever. But I cant. I have to cook from scratch every night. I have a really short fuse right now too. My son continues to hang on the oven door's handle (which fell off and I had to fix), and climbs on the table, standing in the middle clapping his hands. I am very proud of him that he is a big boy and can do that, but it is testing my patience right now.
Sorrow: After my dad had left for the night, my husband called his dad. I could over hear him talking on the phone; I knew exactly what they were talking about. My eyes started to swell as the conversation went on. I wasn't in any way ease dropping, he was in the same room as me. Yet I felt as one would feel when you know that the conversation at hand is about you. I felt like I was having an out-of-body experience; watching as my life unraveled into pieces, pieces that could not be put back together even if you tried.
Awhile later, I called my mom and cousin to recap how my night went. I relived the hatred and sorrow part all over again, venting about my sister and whatever relationship we have, if we even have one; and crying about tomorrow. I am afraid to answer my phone for fear my nightmare will become reality. As far as I know, its not really until it happens. Maybe I will die in a car crash first then I wont have to go through all of this. Instead my baby and I can go to heaven together. Then I start to think of my son and husband; they always help bring my drifting mind back down to Earth. They are the only two reasons I do anything really.
I remember when I was 18. I lived kind of a reckless life. I wasn't into drugs or drinking, or anything like that. I just wanted to hang out with friends as long as my mind could stay awake from late nights of movies. Go shopping, sleep all day, be lazy and not have to do anything. I met my husband when I was 19. BEST thing that ever happened to me, and him. We were both kind of in a rut of what we called "life". We helped pulled each other out and grow up. We grew up a lot actually. We started college together right away and everything just seemed to fall into place there. It wasn't easy by any means, I wish. My theory is things are easy if its wrong and things are hard if its right. Going to college is not easy, especially paying for it on your own. But it is the right thing to do. Being a bum for the rest of your life is probably easy, at least I would think so. But it is wrong. No one should have to take care of lazy people; I wouldn't expect it from anyone.
Every decision I have made since I was 19 years old was a positive decision steering me towards what I have and how I live today. I am thankful that I have a loving husband and an awesome little boy; which I take pride in when people tell me what a good and well-mannered son I have. Every decision I continue to make with be solely based on those two people. I do not put myself into consideration, only them.
I really wish I could be sitting around the glow of a dancing bon-fire tonight. Nothing to do but feel its warmth and listen to its story as its crackling sounds fill my mind. I just want to get lost in it....
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Human decisions vs. Godly intervention
Some decisions are very hard to make. Others quite easy. The decision my husband and I have to make is not easy; yet I wonder if our lives would be changed in different ways depending on which decision is made. Does it even matter, really?
Decision #1 - Carrying out our pregnancy full term, or at least trying to without miscarrying. Outcome - our sweet little baby dies.
Decision #2 - Terminating our pregnancy. Outcome - our sweet little baby dies.
No matter how you word things, line up the facts or possibilities, the outcome is the same.
My husband and I have made our decision. I feel empty. Its not like how a person feels after making a decision to get that new dress, or change careers, or even decide to buy a house. All decisions come with a bit of anxiety, whether positive or negative. I do not even feel anxiety. I do not feel anything really. I am a little confused I guess. Confused as to why this even happened in the first place; confused that I was even given a choice to make such a decision. Does God really have that much faith in me? It is told that God only gives a person as much as they can handle, never too much. This is a lot. Does God REALLY think I can handle this?
Our decision has been made. We have completed the 24 hour paper work required by law from the State of Minnesota. One of two women, who are the Care Coordinators from Abbott will be contacting me to set things up. Sometime next week I will be induced and out little baby will be born, and then die. It is so strange saying that... almost as if I am reading it out of a dramatic novel.
Things were supposed to be done at United Hospital, but factors such as distance of where I live and my personal request for a female doctor changed this. So it will be done at Abbott instead. I could care less... as long as my baby is treated with integrity, respect, and love.
I am still praying, of course, for some divine intervention from God. I pray every night that, if I am indeed making the wrong decision, to please, PLEASE take my baby naturally instead of humans taking it chemically. I am praying for a miscarriage. I have come to peace with our decision though, knowing that our Pastor has given us his blessing, and we are acting on God's guidance through our Pastor. Pastor has said that God already intervened, but showing us this now and giving us a choice. I still have some, humanely, doubts... but I am faithfully trusting.
The more and more I pray for God to intervene again, and not let humans take my baby, but God himself, the more my body feels different. I am unsure if it is stress related, or what really. I have been getting Braxton Hicks contractions. I feel a lot of pressure, and sometimes pain 'down there'. I almost fell over it got so bad while grocery shopping at Sam's Club today. I am thankful my mom was with me. My belly and 'stuff' just feels weird and different...
A friend of mine lost her baby in the womb. Her body did not miscarry. As she was at the hospital, waiting and getting prepped for the doctors to take the baby out (I am unsure, but I believe it was a D and C?), her body miscarried right then and there on its own. She told me God works in mysterious ways. I am praying for Him to continue to work and not forget about me yet.
We will be having a small funeral service for our angel baby Elijah. Although our Pastor has said, in his own words, that he is willing to be involved in any form we want. We have yet to ask, but we will be asking him to assist us in asking God to take care of Baby Elijah. I am unsure of his feelings about cremation, as that is what we will be doing. I just cant seem to find it in my heart to bury my baby in a plot that I would only visit probably 4 times a year. I know how cemeteries work. I am not against them by any means; I plan to be buried when I die, and then maybe, that is when Baby Elijah will go too. I wouldn't expect any of my children to cremate me; I doubt their spouses would be comfortable knowing their mother-in-law is in a jar their living room. I would feel strange if my husband did it, and he would feel the same if I did it. We love our parents, but... yea.... cant really find a further explanation to that one.
I know a lot of people reading this are going to feel we are making the wrong decision, but what they need to remember is if it were meant to be a different decision, it would be them and not me needing to make it. God gave this to us. God trusts us. Maybe God is using us as an example to all those who would be doing it differently, I really don't know. There are so many "what ifs" and so many different ways to argue or even agree. No one will really know until we ourselves die and go to Heaven.
I pray tonight that my son starts to feel better soon, as he caught Daddy's cold. I pray that my son will never have to endure pain of any sort, which I am sad to say, he probably will. Whether it be a broken arm or leg, or his first girlfriend dumping him (she better watch out by the way, as far as I know, I am the only woman good enough for him!). I pray, that if by chance, I do miscarry that I do not have my son with me alone. I hope someone else is close by that can take care of him.
I pray... that God take away all my pain... but if it were the only way, take away all the pain from my Baby Elijah, and give it to me instead.
Decision #1 - Carrying out our pregnancy full term, or at least trying to without miscarrying. Outcome - our sweet little baby dies.
Decision #2 - Terminating our pregnancy. Outcome - our sweet little baby dies.
No matter how you word things, line up the facts or possibilities, the outcome is the same.
My husband and I have made our decision. I feel empty. Its not like how a person feels after making a decision to get that new dress, or change careers, or even decide to buy a house. All decisions come with a bit of anxiety, whether positive or negative. I do not even feel anxiety. I do not feel anything really. I am a little confused I guess. Confused as to why this even happened in the first place; confused that I was even given a choice to make such a decision. Does God really have that much faith in me? It is told that God only gives a person as much as they can handle, never too much. This is a lot. Does God REALLY think I can handle this?
Our decision has been made. We have completed the 24 hour paper work required by law from the State of Minnesota. One of two women, who are the Care Coordinators from Abbott will be contacting me to set things up. Sometime next week I will be induced and out little baby will be born, and then die. It is so strange saying that... almost as if I am reading it out of a dramatic novel.
Things were supposed to be done at United Hospital, but factors such as distance of where I live and my personal request for a female doctor changed this. So it will be done at Abbott instead. I could care less... as long as my baby is treated with integrity, respect, and love.
I am still praying, of course, for some divine intervention from God. I pray every night that, if I am indeed making the wrong decision, to please, PLEASE take my baby naturally instead of humans taking it chemically. I am praying for a miscarriage. I have come to peace with our decision though, knowing that our Pastor has given us his blessing, and we are acting on God's guidance through our Pastor. Pastor has said that God already intervened, but showing us this now and giving us a choice. I still have some, humanely, doubts... but I am faithfully trusting.
The more and more I pray for God to intervene again, and not let humans take my baby, but God himself, the more my body feels different. I am unsure if it is stress related, or what really. I have been getting Braxton Hicks contractions. I feel a lot of pressure, and sometimes pain 'down there'. I almost fell over it got so bad while grocery shopping at Sam's Club today. I am thankful my mom was with me. My belly and 'stuff' just feels weird and different...
A friend of mine lost her baby in the womb. Her body did not miscarry. As she was at the hospital, waiting and getting prepped for the doctors to take the baby out (I am unsure, but I believe it was a D and C?), her body miscarried right then and there on its own. She told me God works in mysterious ways. I am praying for Him to continue to work and not forget about me yet.
We will be having a small funeral service for our angel baby Elijah. Although our Pastor has said, in his own words, that he is willing to be involved in any form we want. We have yet to ask, but we will be asking him to assist us in asking God to take care of Baby Elijah. I am unsure of his feelings about cremation, as that is what we will be doing. I just cant seem to find it in my heart to bury my baby in a plot that I would only visit probably 4 times a year. I know how cemeteries work. I am not against them by any means; I plan to be buried when I die, and then maybe, that is when Baby Elijah will go too. I wouldn't expect any of my children to cremate me; I doubt their spouses would be comfortable knowing their mother-in-law is in a jar their living room. I would feel strange if my husband did it, and he would feel the same if I did it. We love our parents, but... yea.... cant really find a further explanation to that one.
I know a lot of people reading this are going to feel we are making the wrong decision, but what they need to remember is if it were meant to be a different decision, it would be them and not me needing to make it. God gave this to us. God trusts us. Maybe God is using us as an example to all those who would be doing it differently, I really don't know. There are so many "what ifs" and so many different ways to argue or even agree. No one will really know until we ourselves die and go to Heaven.
I pray tonight that my son starts to feel better soon, as he caught Daddy's cold. I pray that my son will never have to endure pain of any sort, which I am sad to say, he probably will. Whether it be a broken arm or leg, or his first girlfriend dumping him (she better watch out by the way, as far as I know, I am the only woman good enough for him!). I pray, that if by chance, I do miscarry that I do not have my son with me alone. I hope someone else is close by that can take care of him.
I pray... that God take away all my pain... but if it were the only way, take away all the pain from my Baby Elijah, and give it to me instead.
Friday, April 9, 2010
Wow! You're pregnant?!
It is a very unusual feeling planning for a funeral while the person is still alive. I know it is very common, but for someone more in their 40s or older. I was giving into my little addiction today; went shopping at Target. I picked out a few matchbox race cars for my son, got some lavender bath beads and 3 lavender reed diffusers. I know, it seems like a lot, but I wanted one for the living room, bathroom, and my bedroom. I need to be surrounded by calm scents, and frankly, the smell of my neighbors dog crap that is cooking in the sun and drifting through my windows is making me a little sick. I hate dogs.
I ran into an old co-worker today at Target. She used to be my manager actually; it was really nice to see her. We talked about our lives, what we're doing and our kids. I was trying to avoid any attention directed towards my pregnant belly. I couldn't hide it. "Congrats on your pregnancy!" It would be too awkward to explain, yet too hard in the middle of Target. I just said thanks and told her when baby boy is due: August 22nd. I went on my way after wishing her well. It was so nice seeing her; she was one of the nicest managers I've known, a very good person.
Later in the evening while I was cooking dinner, our doorbell rang. It was our neighbor. He has been trying to help us with our siding since our last contractor Patriot ditched us during last Springs hail storm; our siding is still damaged. I was not in the mood to deal with our siding dilemma as that too is a long story. He is aware that I pregnant as we have talked about it and our other children before. I didn't want to get into too much detail with him either. I just informed him we are in the middle of planning for a funeral and haven't had any time to call Patriot to get released from the contract we had signed with them, or to call our insurance company up again to go around in an argumentative circle. He understood and just told me when we are ready to give him a call. I really appreciate him checking in with us again though. Our siding does need to be fixed, and I cannot forget about it too long.
It's weird going out into public, or getting together with people. I am obviously pregnant. I cannot hide it. I almost feel like I am walking around with a watermelon under my shirt because I know that what I am going to get in the end is not a baby I get to take home. I say watermelon, because if a person was really walking around with one under her shirt, that person would feel uncomfortable, physically and emotionally; thinking that everyone is looking at her with odd expressions on their faces, just waiting for something to happen. That's because they are. A watermelon would look very strange, and I too, myself, would exchange a look of "what the heck?". I feel like that's what people are saying behind my back..."what the...". I have already gone through receiving funny look, even looks of disgust, from complete strangers in public when I was pregnant with my son. I can understand that... I look like I am 16 years old. People have a very hard time believing me when I tell them my real age. Even now more, when I am out with my son, a giant pregnant belly... wow, the looks I get! I even saw one mom shaking her head behind my back and once she realized I was watching her do this for a few seconds, she stood tall and scampered off with her perfect little family. Maybe I should make-up a few hickeys on my neck, wear spandex booty jeans, and a really low cut shirt. That will give all the moms in the area something to talk about. I don't know why this bugs me. It just does. I think because people do not know me. They do not know that I have held a job since age 14. I have been on my own since age 17. I have worked very hard against the statistics and came out on top. I am very educated; most companies in this area wouldn't even be able to afford to employ me. Yet do you think I would even be given the opportunity to interview? No. I look like I belong in high school. Other people, who actually like me, say "You should feel very blessed to have found the fountain of youth. You will be thankful for looking so young when your older". Well, yeah maybe. But I need to establish a career now and not when I am 40 because then I look like I am 20. Whatever society.
Back to reality, I apologize for my off-the path rant. So yeah. I am pregnant, and it feels very strange. I often catch myself feeling the baby move and jumping to grab my husband's attention "Oh, feel, quick!" I forget sometimes... and I don't want to make things harder for him. He is having a hard time with this too. I think he might be a little more detached than I am though. He cannot feel the baby move on a 24/7 basis; I can. I do not want to invalidate his feelings, I am just saying... I think our feelings are different in their own way.
I told my husband that I have been Googling images online about Triploidy and spina bifida. I want to prepare myself for what the baby will look like. I am not doing it in any way to punish myself, or torment myself. I need to be prepared. I do not want to be shocked, which I am sure I will be anyways, or to be disgusted. It is my baby, and I will love it no matter what it looks like. I just need to know now... I suggested he do the same. I am unsure if he will though. Its really difficult, and quite surprising, that there are actually pictures online that are very easily accessible, pictures of deceased babies, pictures of babies kept for science... it's really hard. The hospital wanted my baby's body. I said no, they may do their autopsy if they wish, but I want my baby back. He deserves a proper funeral and I do not want to subject him to be on display for the next 100-some years. I agreed to the autopsy and other testing involving something to do with chromosomes; because again, God let this happen for a reason. My baby was supposed to be like this. I really hope my baby help leads to more answers for this horrible, horrible triploidy crap, maybe even better treatment and hope to God a preventative measure (although I am not sure prevention is possible without the practice of test-tube babies, which again is a political controversy). Only time will tell...
I love my son, I love my husband, I love my unborn, dying baby Elijah. Now I need to find that love again for myself. I wonder where that went...
Maybe it is in my percocet bottle. Wait.. that's empty....
Looks like a lavender bath and some Food Network for me instead...
Good night Lord.
I ran into an old co-worker today at Target. She used to be my manager actually; it was really nice to see her. We talked about our lives, what we're doing and our kids. I was trying to avoid any attention directed towards my pregnant belly. I couldn't hide it. "Congrats on your pregnancy!" It would be too awkward to explain, yet too hard in the middle of Target. I just said thanks and told her when baby boy is due: August 22nd. I went on my way after wishing her well. It was so nice seeing her; she was one of the nicest managers I've known, a very good person.
Later in the evening while I was cooking dinner, our doorbell rang. It was our neighbor. He has been trying to help us with our siding since our last contractor Patriot ditched us during last Springs hail storm; our siding is still damaged. I was not in the mood to deal with our siding dilemma as that too is a long story. He is aware that I pregnant as we have talked about it and our other children before. I didn't want to get into too much detail with him either. I just informed him we are in the middle of planning for a funeral and haven't had any time to call Patriot to get released from the contract we had signed with them, or to call our insurance company up again to go around in an argumentative circle. He understood and just told me when we are ready to give him a call. I really appreciate him checking in with us again though. Our siding does need to be fixed, and I cannot forget about it too long.
It's weird going out into public, or getting together with people. I am obviously pregnant. I cannot hide it. I almost feel like I am walking around with a watermelon under my shirt because I know that what I am going to get in the end is not a baby I get to take home. I say watermelon, because if a person was really walking around with one under her shirt, that person would feel uncomfortable, physically and emotionally; thinking that everyone is looking at her with odd expressions on their faces, just waiting for something to happen. That's because they are. A watermelon would look very strange, and I too, myself, would exchange a look of "what the heck?". I feel like that's what people are saying behind my back..."what the...". I have already gone through receiving funny look, even looks of disgust, from complete strangers in public when I was pregnant with my son. I can understand that... I look like I am 16 years old. People have a very hard time believing me when I tell them my real age. Even now more, when I am out with my son, a giant pregnant belly... wow, the looks I get! I even saw one mom shaking her head behind my back and once she realized I was watching her do this for a few seconds, she stood tall and scampered off with her perfect little family. Maybe I should make-up a few hickeys on my neck, wear spandex booty jeans, and a really low cut shirt. That will give all the moms in the area something to talk about. I don't know why this bugs me. It just does. I think because people do not know me. They do not know that I have held a job since age 14. I have been on my own since age 17. I have worked very hard against the statistics and came out on top. I am very educated; most companies in this area wouldn't even be able to afford to employ me. Yet do you think I would even be given the opportunity to interview? No. I look like I belong in high school. Other people, who actually like me, say "You should feel very blessed to have found the fountain of youth. You will be thankful for looking so young when your older". Well, yeah maybe. But I need to establish a career now and not when I am 40 because then I look like I am 20. Whatever society.
Back to reality, I apologize for my off-the path rant. So yeah. I am pregnant, and it feels very strange. I often catch myself feeling the baby move and jumping to grab my husband's attention "Oh, feel, quick!" I forget sometimes... and I don't want to make things harder for him. He is having a hard time with this too. I think he might be a little more detached than I am though. He cannot feel the baby move on a 24/7 basis; I can. I do not want to invalidate his feelings, I am just saying... I think our feelings are different in their own way.
I told my husband that I have been Googling images online about Triploidy and spina bifida. I want to prepare myself for what the baby will look like. I am not doing it in any way to punish myself, or torment myself. I need to be prepared. I do not want to be shocked, which I am sure I will be anyways, or to be disgusted. It is my baby, and I will love it no matter what it looks like. I just need to know now... I suggested he do the same. I am unsure if he will though. Its really difficult, and quite surprising, that there are actually pictures online that are very easily accessible, pictures of deceased babies, pictures of babies kept for science... it's really hard. The hospital wanted my baby's body. I said no, they may do their autopsy if they wish, but I want my baby back. He deserves a proper funeral and I do not want to subject him to be on display for the next 100-some years. I agreed to the autopsy and other testing involving something to do with chromosomes; because again, God let this happen for a reason. My baby was supposed to be like this. I really hope my baby help leads to more answers for this horrible, horrible triploidy crap, maybe even better treatment and hope to God a preventative measure (although I am not sure prevention is possible without the practice of test-tube babies, which again is a political controversy). Only time will tell...
I love my son, I love my husband, I love my unborn, dying baby Elijah. Now I need to find that love again for myself. I wonder where that went...
Maybe it is in my percocet bottle. Wait.. that's empty....
Looks like a lavender bath and some Food Network for me instead...
Good night Lord.
Sober
I do not think of myself as the type to clutch onto an addition of any sort. I often wonder, how does one get addicted to anything to begin with? Understandably if that addiction is chocolate, or that venti soy white mocha and hazelnut latte with extra espresso shots; an addiction of comfort for your taste buds. Or maybe its an addiction to spending money, which I have done but it leaves me feeling empty and stressed out when that major bill comes through in the mail. Addictions make us feel good. I notice that when I am bored even, I like to go shopping. I am better now at not spending money, but I always seems to pick up an item or two for my son or husband. I turned into a person that feels guilty and selfish if I spend money on myself.
I never understood harmful addictions, like drinking, drugs, self-inflicted injuries, and so on. I always thought of them as very stupid, selfish acts. People who are mature enough to know what is right and what is wrong. It bothered me to no end. I would actually get really furious thinking about it. I think now I understand. Last week an OB had prescribed me 30 pills of percocet, no refills, and made the suggestion of dropping my son off at daycare and taking them with a glass of wine to help calm myself. I know, I know, not very smart, but it makes sense right? My son is in a safe place, and I am all alone to do whatever I want, to cope, cry, scream, laugh, and cry again. You would think I would still have some left. I don't. I did NOT however drink any alcohol. I am too afraid of who I am right now. I don't trust myself to say enough is enough. When the pills run out, and the bottle says "No refills", then I am done. I am too embarrassed to ask a doctor for more. My time of numbing my body and mind at night is over. Now its time for reality again.
I feel ashamed for judging others who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. I never understood their rhyme or reason. A family member struggled with alcohol; I think she still might, I am not sure. She lost pretty much her entire family to cancer. Losing a loved one is not easy. I know I am a strong person, and I refuse to fall into the holes of 'harmful' addictions. Maybe I will just stick to shopping and lattes. I need to keep my body healthy for myself and my family. I am sure my husband and I will try for another baby; not really sure when. I think I might be ready sooner than he will be though. I remember when we made the final decision of having Paighton. Wow, what an emotional mess he was! His mind was working against his baby-making part. He was so focused on becoming a daddy for the first time, all the things that will change not only his life, but our life that the most essential part of his body wouldn't cooperate. He was NEVER in the mood. I always look back on that, knowing that will probably be the only time I am able to say that. ha ha.
Now I am left to think of natural ways to help me sleep at night, instead of depending on something else. Maybe I will go shopping and get some lavender! That sounds like a great idea!
Today I have to make a final decision of what we are going to do. After dropping my son off at daycare this morning, I checked my email, and I get a message from someone that has been following my story on MomsLikeMe. I started to come to peace.... until now... this is what she said: "Hi,I didn't feel that it would have been appropriate to post this for all to see, so I hope you don't mind this private message. I know that I am no one in your life and that my opinion doesn't mean much but I am just heart broken by what you are having to deal with. Our neighbor across the field went through the very same thing you are. They told her that she wouldn't live if she continued the pregnancy. She chose to continue with it anyway. She went into labor at 5 1/2 months. Landon James was born at 11:20AM on April 8th, 2009 - one year ago today. He lived twenty two minutes, but they were the most powerful 22 minutes of their lives and they are so glad that they did what they did. Erin, the mother, was very sick through the pregnancy and quite honestly, I was really worried about her - but she said that she was given this test by God and that she would put her faith in HIM and do what HE asked of her. I lost a baby, too - I was only eight weeks along and then found out that we couldn't get pregnant again for who knows WHAT reason. I would give ANYTHING to have a child - even if it was for only a short while. God has chosen you for this journey for a reason. Don't quit on HIM - don't quit on your son! That is my plea to you. I cried when I read that you can feel your child move and respond to you when you tease him through your belly. That, in itself, is a miracle and what IF they are wrong? Ask God to guide you through this and pray that the best thing happen for all of you - but give it a chance - PLEASE! He answers prayers - especially when there are two or more gathered - if you pray, your son is right there with you and God will listen. You stay strong and you stay positive - no matter how difficult that may be. If you will it to happen by your faith and determination - who knows.... This may just be the best thing that has happened to you. Please, sweetie, don't give up. For all of us that can't have kids, don't give up. I will continue to pray for you and your little precious baby. Just think about this, please? I am sorry if I offended you, but I just felt so strongly about this and needed to share this with you -Pray - ask God for a miracle. I know that I will do the same for you. God Bless."
So... yea... I know what it feels like to be told you can never have children. I went through surgery and a year long treatment in order to get pregnant with my first son. I was given this choice at a VERY early age; an age I was not ready to even start thinking about children. I have endometriosis. My doctor told me I need a hysterectomy; or get pregnant. My husband and I rushed to get our plans in order; get married, buy a house; make a baby. We did not want to have children without the marriage and house taken care of. We are young parents; successful though I'd like to think. We are not rich by any means, but live comfortably looking back at the many luxuries we actually gave up. I do not know her entire story, I am thankful she shared her feelings with me. She did not offend me, although, I think all people should understand that having a baby for the sake of others who cannot should never be a reason to do so. I am sad she cannot have children, and I am even sadder her neighbor's lost theirs. I am sad for anything involving children as they are so innocent and do not understand adult theories and decisions. I wish I had the mind of a child... my life would be much more enjoyable I think.
With a sober mind I can make positive and clear decisions. With a sober body, I may again, someday, have more babies and not have to make such a difficult decision.
Either way, I would appreciate if people would respect my husband's and my decision (keep in mind, it is NOT yet made). You do not have to understand why, or agree. We understand that people are very different in many ways; they cope and heal differently. They can handle more or less than others. Our Pastor already assured us that no matter what, God is with us in our decision. I was struggling with the confusing question of whether or not God wanted me to intervene. Our Pastor said He already has... by letting me know now...God has intervened.
Again... God is preparing me for something important.... He is putting me through many tests right now. So far, I have passed one... I am unable to become addicted to pain meds; even though I tried, oh did I try... it's an impossible feat. it cannot be done... I just love my lattes way too much!
I think today I might take a shower...
I never understood harmful addictions, like drinking, drugs, self-inflicted injuries, and so on. I always thought of them as very stupid, selfish acts. People who are mature enough to know what is right and what is wrong. It bothered me to no end. I would actually get really furious thinking about it. I think now I understand. Last week an OB had prescribed me 30 pills of percocet, no refills, and made the suggestion of dropping my son off at daycare and taking them with a glass of wine to help calm myself. I know, I know, not very smart, but it makes sense right? My son is in a safe place, and I am all alone to do whatever I want, to cope, cry, scream, laugh, and cry again. You would think I would still have some left. I don't. I did NOT however drink any alcohol. I am too afraid of who I am right now. I don't trust myself to say enough is enough. When the pills run out, and the bottle says "No refills", then I am done. I am too embarrassed to ask a doctor for more. My time of numbing my body and mind at night is over. Now its time for reality again.
I feel ashamed for judging others who are addicted to drugs or alcohol. I never understood their rhyme or reason. A family member struggled with alcohol; I think she still might, I am not sure. She lost pretty much her entire family to cancer. Losing a loved one is not easy. I know I am a strong person, and I refuse to fall into the holes of 'harmful' addictions. Maybe I will just stick to shopping and lattes. I need to keep my body healthy for myself and my family. I am sure my husband and I will try for another baby; not really sure when. I think I might be ready sooner than he will be though. I remember when we made the final decision of having Paighton. Wow, what an emotional mess he was! His mind was working against his baby-making part. He was so focused on becoming a daddy for the first time, all the things that will change not only his life, but our life that the most essential part of his body wouldn't cooperate. He was NEVER in the mood. I always look back on that, knowing that will probably be the only time I am able to say that. ha ha.
Now I am left to think of natural ways to help me sleep at night, instead of depending on something else. Maybe I will go shopping and get some lavender! That sounds like a great idea!
Today I have to make a final decision of what we are going to do. After dropping my son off at daycare this morning, I checked my email, and I get a message from someone that has been following my story on MomsLikeMe. I started to come to peace.... until now... this is what she said: "Hi,I didn't feel that it would have been appropriate to post this for all to see, so I hope you don't mind this private message. I know that I am no one in your life and that my opinion doesn't mean much but I am just heart broken by what you are having to deal with. Our neighbor across the field went through the very same thing you are. They told her that she wouldn't live if she continued the pregnancy. She chose to continue with it anyway. She went into labor at 5 1/2 months. Landon James was born at 11:20AM on April 8th, 2009 - one year ago today. He lived twenty two minutes, but they were the most powerful 22 minutes of their lives and they are so glad that they did what they did. Erin, the mother, was very sick through the pregnancy and quite honestly, I was really worried about her - but she said that she was given this test by God and that she would put her faith in HIM and do what HE asked of her. I lost a baby, too - I was only eight weeks along and then found out that we couldn't get pregnant again for who knows WHAT reason. I would give ANYTHING to have a child - even if it was for only a short while. God has chosen you for this journey for a reason. Don't quit on HIM - don't quit on your son! That is my plea to you. I cried when I read that you can feel your child move and respond to you when you tease him through your belly. That, in itself, is a miracle and what IF they are wrong? Ask God to guide you through this and pray that the best thing happen for all of you - but give it a chance - PLEASE! He answers prayers - especially when there are two or more gathered - if you pray, your son is right there with you and God will listen. You stay strong and you stay positive - no matter how difficult that may be. If you will it to happen by your faith and determination - who knows.... This may just be the best thing that has happened to you. Please, sweetie, don't give up. For all of us that can't have kids, don't give up. I will continue to pray for you and your little precious baby. Just think about this, please? I am sorry if I offended you, but I just felt so strongly about this and needed to share this with you -Pray - ask God for a miracle. I know that I will do the same for you. God Bless."
So... yea... I know what it feels like to be told you can never have children. I went through surgery and a year long treatment in order to get pregnant with my first son. I was given this choice at a VERY early age; an age I was not ready to even start thinking about children. I have endometriosis. My doctor told me I need a hysterectomy; or get pregnant. My husband and I rushed to get our plans in order; get married, buy a house; make a baby. We did not want to have children without the marriage and house taken care of. We are young parents; successful though I'd like to think. We are not rich by any means, but live comfortably looking back at the many luxuries we actually gave up. I do not know her entire story, I am thankful she shared her feelings with me. She did not offend me, although, I think all people should understand that having a baby for the sake of others who cannot should never be a reason to do so. I am sad she cannot have children, and I am even sadder her neighbor's lost theirs. I am sad for anything involving children as they are so innocent and do not understand adult theories and decisions. I wish I had the mind of a child... my life would be much more enjoyable I think.
With a sober mind I can make positive and clear decisions. With a sober body, I may again, someday, have more babies and not have to make such a difficult decision.
Either way, I would appreciate if people would respect my husband's and my decision (keep in mind, it is NOT yet made). You do not have to understand why, or agree. We understand that people are very different in many ways; they cope and heal differently. They can handle more or less than others. Our Pastor already assured us that no matter what, God is with us in our decision. I was struggling with the confusing question of whether or not God wanted me to intervene. Our Pastor said He already has... by letting me know now...God has intervened.
Again... God is preparing me for something important.... He is putting me through many tests right now. So far, I have passed one... I am unable to become addicted to pain meds; even though I tried, oh did I try... it's an impossible feat. it cannot be done... I just love my lattes way too much!
I think today I might take a shower...
Thursday, April 8, 2010
Pain, pain, and more pain...
Today was kind of bittersweet. I woke up to the sound of my sweet little boy playing his early morning games in his crib. I couldn't wait to see him, yet i didn't want to get out of bed. My 3 week headache has not subsided yet, and my back feels like I have been ran over by a steamroller.
I pulled myself up and just faced it, life goes on. My son cannot take care of himself. I got him ready for the day and left to bring him to daycare. Afterwards, I went back home to relax before going into town again.
For anyone that knows my Grandma, if you want her to come to your house at 11am, you do not say "Be here at 11am". You should say "Be here at noon" and she will show up at 11am. My Grandma was supposed to come meet me at my house at 11:30am, she showed up at 10:30am. My house is a mess (again, if you knew her, you know exactly what she had to say... and do...). I talked her out of cleaning and just leaving for town. We were going shopping to pick out materials for her an my aunt to make a baby blanket for my baby.
We met up with my mom first for lunch, then went shopping at Joann's Fabrics. I found a beautiful think satin for the back and the front border, and a soft White cotton with a faded star design that kissed the fabric like freckles. Around the border, my aunt will embroider this prayer: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. The Angels watch me through the night, and keep me in their blessed sight. Amen". My son Paighton has a Precious Moments doll with his hands held together in prayer form, and if you squeeze him, that's what he will pray with you. I love it. I got the girl doll for my God-Daughter Paige as well. In the middle of the blanket, on the white star-designed fabric there will be a picture of an angel. Arching over the top will be our baby's name: Elijah Andrew. Arching underneath the angel will be "Angel of Innocence". In the bible, Elijah is one of God's angels appointed to look after newborns and those who die at an early age. It is also believed that Elijah created the Tree of Life. I thought of the name in my sleep a few nights ago. I woke up and turned to my husband and said "What about Elijah?" He mumbled under his sleepy breath and sound "Sounds nice..." and drifted off. The next morning, I looked up the name, and say its meaning. It was too perfect! Then also, under the angel and name/meaning, there will be a quote i found that seemed to catch my eye throughout all this research I have been doing since we found out. The quote says "Our Angel baby born unto Heaven. Forever loved. Never forgotten".
I say this day was bittersweet because, although i got to spend time with my mom and Grandma, we shared the exciting task of creating a blanket for my baby, all the while I knew I will never get to wrap my baby up in it. I will never need to wash it, or demand my child to stop sleeping with it at age 15. My Grandma showed the cashier lady my sketch and said "See what she is making?". The cashier looked at me and congratulated me and said that this is a fun and exciting time for me. Little does she know... and I wasn't about to explain it either. I just smiled and said thanks; and walked out.
Again, if you knew my Grandma, she has the best intentions. I love her with all my heart, but I think that maybe she has been around death a little too much, and has been comfortable with it. She has had 5 miscarriages in her lifetime, and works at her local church serving banquets after funeral services. I don't think I ever say that woman shed a tear. Just about a month ago, my uncle had passed away. She kept pestering me if i had gone up to his casket to see him. I kept saying no, because i wasn't ready. I don't deal with death very well at all. I was feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for being so detached from my extended family, and not taking all the opportunities to spend time with my uncle; I was embarrassed. None the less, I started to inch closer and closer, making my way as I talked and mingled with family; then Grandma came and pulled my by the arm to go say 'hi'. As I pierred into the casket, looking at how calm he seemed, all I could think of was my dad, and my cousin's kids losing their grandpa. I started to cry, and i think i heard a couple sniffles come out of my Grandma. I was shocked, and to be honest, afraid to look at her. In all my 25 years alive, I never saw a single tear shed from her face; of that I could remember anyways. I ran out the door to catch some cold air a returned to be with family.
Another reason why today was bittersweet was the genetics specialist called me twice while we were shopping. I ignored the phone call; one out of respect for my mom and Grandma, and two I was afraid to answer because I knew what she was calling for. She wants to know what our answer is and get things signed off on. I am not sure if I am ready yet....
How can I kill my baby? He is still alive! He moves, punched, kicks, and even interacts with me. He will float towards the warms of my hand, and kick back when I poke him. Most women with triploidy babies have said they never ever felt their babies move. One reported she felt two complete somersaults on Mother's Day. I feel my baby ALL the time.
I kind of lost hope; hope has become an known enemy. When this all first started a week ago, I emailed and called so many parents, organizations, and experts to find answers, to find HOPE. I found nothing. Now today, after I got home from shopping and getting my son from daycare, I receive this message in my email from a mother's own triploidy experience:
I pulled myself up and just faced it, life goes on. My son cannot take care of himself. I got him ready for the day and left to bring him to daycare. Afterwards, I went back home to relax before going into town again.
For anyone that knows my Grandma, if you want her to come to your house at 11am, you do not say "Be here at 11am". You should say "Be here at noon" and she will show up at 11am. My Grandma was supposed to come meet me at my house at 11:30am, she showed up at 10:30am. My house is a mess (again, if you knew her, you know exactly what she had to say... and do...). I talked her out of cleaning and just leaving for town. We were going shopping to pick out materials for her an my aunt to make a baby blanket for my baby.
We met up with my mom first for lunch, then went shopping at Joann's Fabrics. I found a beautiful think satin for the back and the front border, and a soft White cotton with a faded star design that kissed the fabric like freckles. Around the border, my aunt will embroider this prayer: "Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep. The Angels watch me through the night, and keep me in their blessed sight. Amen". My son Paighton has a Precious Moments doll with his hands held together in prayer form, and if you squeeze him, that's what he will pray with you. I love it. I got the girl doll for my God-Daughter Paige as well. In the middle of the blanket, on the white star-designed fabric there will be a picture of an angel. Arching over the top will be our baby's name: Elijah Andrew. Arching underneath the angel will be "Angel of Innocence". In the bible, Elijah is one of God's angels appointed to look after newborns and those who die at an early age. It is also believed that Elijah created the Tree of Life. I thought of the name in my sleep a few nights ago. I woke up and turned to my husband and said "What about Elijah?" He mumbled under his sleepy breath and sound "Sounds nice..." and drifted off. The next morning, I looked up the name, and say its meaning. It was too perfect! Then also, under the angel and name/meaning, there will be a quote i found that seemed to catch my eye throughout all this research I have been doing since we found out. The quote says "Our Angel baby born unto Heaven. Forever loved. Never forgotten".
I say this day was bittersweet because, although i got to spend time with my mom and Grandma, we shared the exciting task of creating a blanket for my baby, all the while I knew I will never get to wrap my baby up in it. I will never need to wash it, or demand my child to stop sleeping with it at age 15. My Grandma showed the cashier lady my sketch and said "See what she is making?". The cashier looked at me and congratulated me and said that this is a fun and exciting time for me. Little does she know... and I wasn't about to explain it either. I just smiled and said thanks; and walked out.
Again, if you knew my Grandma, she has the best intentions. I love her with all my heart, but I think that maybe she has been around death a little too much, and has been comfortable with it. She has had 5 miscarriages in her lifetime, and works at her local church serving banquets after funeral services. I don't think I ever say that woman shed a tear. Just about a month ago, my uncle had passed away. She kept pestering me if i had gone up to his casket to see him. I kept saying no, because i wasn't ready. I don't deal with death very well at all. I was feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for being so detached from my extended family, and not taking all the opportunities to spend time with my uncle; I was embarrassed. None the less, I started to inch closer and closer, making my way as I talked and mingled with family; then Grandma came and pulled my by the arm to go say 'hi'. As I pierred into the casket, looking at how calm he seemed, all I could think of was my dad, and my cousin's kids losing their grandpa. I started to cry, and i think i heard a couple sniffles come out of my Grandma. I was shocked, and to be honest, afraid to look at her. In all my 25 years alive, I never saw a single tear shed from her face; of that I could remember anyways. I ran out the door to catch some cold air a returned to be with family.
Another reason why today was bittersweet was the genetics specialist called me twice while we were shopping. I ignored the phone call; one out of respect for my mom and Grandma, and two I was afraid to answer because I knew what she was calling for. She wants to know what our answer is and get things signed off on. I am not sure if I am ready yet....
How can I kill my baby? He is still alive! He moves, punched, kicks, and even interacts with me. He will float towards the warms of my hand, and kick back when I poke him. Most women with triploidy babies have said they never ever felt their babies move. One reported she felt two complete somersaults on Mother's Day. I feel my baby ALL the time.
I kind of lost hope; hope has become an known enemy. When this all first started a week ago, I emailed and called so many parents, organizations, and experts to find answers, to find HOPE. I found nothing. Now today, after I got home from shopping and getting my son from daycare, I receive this message in my email from a mother's own triploidy experience:
They placed him in my arms and his eyes were big and wide and stared directly into mine. He lived for 11 minutes and we were able to capture every minute of our time with him on video tape. I experienced the joy of placing my cheek against his warm cheek and held his sweet fingers. It was peaceful and there was an unexplainable calming in the room, as if we were in the midst of holy ground. We celebrated as Aaron baptized him. We hugged him, we kissed him, and we completely and unconditionally loved him. We were given the gift to see Austin through the eyes of his sisters as they held him, kissed him and inspected his every inch. All of these things I would have missed had we chosen a different path. I cannot explain the gratitude and pride I was overcome with at the birth of my first son. The only way to explain his birth is bittersweet. Was it what I wanted? No… Was it more than I ever imagined? Yes.
So I am left asking myself yet again "What now? Am I really at this same crossroads still? I feel like I haven't moved an inch. I feel like i have done so much work, exhausted myself beyond the point I cant even think straight. I haven't showered for a week. I am barely eating, my house is a mess because i have no energy to clean, and I am giving in to all my son's demands for cookies!
If i carry this baby full term, I could possibly die with him. My son and husband would be left without a mommy and a wife. My son won't remember me when he is older. Thinking that makes my heart crumble; what's left of my heart anyways.
I know that no matter what my husband and I decide to do, we have sought out counsel from a Pastor and received his holy blessing. It helps to know that even though we don't always understand God's intentions, or hidden meanings; I know that God will take my child into Heaven to be with him.
I'd like to say, that God is preparing me for something important. Something that may effect the life of another and cause a giant chain reaction of good; possibly saving a life, or more. I only hope I recognize it when it comes....
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